So...

Yeah, I'm feeling some kind of way. I've witnessed various attitudes about marriage lately...almost none of which I've liked. What is wrong with people? Marriage is supposed to bring out the best and the craziest in a good way, in people. I heard how women have pushed men away with their independence, and how people believe it's ok to keep their salary amounts secret from their spouses and blah...wth is wrong with you people?! That is nuts. Clearly the institution of marriage has been completely misunderstood. If you went about it the right way...maybe you would be able to work to keep it together...I'm not done...but tired...bbl.

In the midst of it all...

I feel somewhat heart broken...I've been dealing with myself, and my emotions all week. I feel like I've been in a battle with my mind, and I'm not sure I want to continue. I wrestle with insecurity, anger, depression, pity, sadness, and just want to feel a balance, a consistent joy. I am frankly quite tired of being an emotional handicap. A lot of people say that they think it's admirable that I've done so well considering what I have gone through in life, but I realize that while I don't have any children, am not on drugs, prostituting or on government assistance...I've paid a much different price. Socially, I am a misfit, finding it easy initially to interact and joke and laugh, but then feeling myself withdraw, and to become melancholy...because while I can genuinely be happy and joking for a moment, in general I don't feel that way. The problem is that I WANT to be happy. I want to be able to get up every morning knowing that the joy of the Lord is my strength and I'm going to make it through this day unscathed no matter what happens. I cannot begin to say how much this is a desire for me. I am simply tired of confronting myself time after time, discovering the things within me that need to change, and the things within me that I wouldn't acknowledge before. I hurt, and most recently, I missed my mother so much that it hurt physically. Just to be able to have an understanding of myself, and to be able to build my own memories of her is all I want. It hurts so much to have to have my only memories of her be second hand. To not be able to remember anything solid, no moment, no hug or kiss...it hurts. I can't remember her face, and I want to get over that. I just have to. I've written of this before, and I don't want to again. I want to be whole and complete. I pray that one day this will all help someone else to know that they can lead their life and not fall into the traps made for them along the way. Mistakes will be made, certainly, but they don't have to be fatal or completely life altering. And if no one else ever does...encourage yourself.

I think this is alllll random, but in my head, so here goes...

I will try to make it all make sense, but I can't say it will tie together. Often you will see that my thought process appears to be random...

First off, once again, I can honestly say I love being natural, as I feel it truly represents my personality. I however, am having probably one of many moments of impatience with the growth process, even though my hair is growing faster than it ever has in my life, lol. But you know how you want a certain result, but you have to go through a drawn out process to get there, and it gets tedious at times? I'm at one of those tedious moments. But it's still cute...and growin!!! YAY!

Now, is it odd that I don't like movies and tv shows that depict sadness? I don't like movies where the people die in the end, or the couple breaks up and never gets back together, lol. It's understood in life, especially in the current time that sometimes the man is a jerk, or the woman is a jerk, and they will break their significant other's heart, or that your mother, sister, cousin, father, uncle will get sick and will never be well again or that the soldier in your family will never come home from the war, these things I know, and a lot of them I've experienced, but I just don't like to see it fictionally depicted...in real life too often we DON'T get the fairy tale ending, even as a faith driven person, it just doesn't go the way we want it. And we know that things happen either because we drove them that way or because it was meant to be that way, and that's fine. But I am good with a funny movie or one with a happy ending. I guess experiencing so much heartache in life is enough for me. Maybe I'm the only one.

I am learning too that you may never be seen as you truly are. The fact is, people "see" you a certain way, and unless they make up their minds they want to see what you're really trying to show them, you will be who you always were to them. The thing we must learn is to never stop being who we are or bend to someone else's view of us because of it. You ever give up and say, "what's the point?" they won't understand it anyway...the point is, YOU know who you are inside...everyone else doesn't have to. I'm learning that lesson now.

New things for me!!! I have never had a diverse friend base, and I would like to...so we'll see how that goes, and I will try to be as open as possible, of course offending some along the way...but we'll push through that.

I'm having some issues within a couple of interpersonal relationships in my life right now, none of which have been addressed, but being who I am, I always have to take time to discover "is it me?" LOL...But really, I do, because I have learned that I have grown to be somewhat self absorbed or selfish or...something. I have a tendency to redirect things back to myself, and I'm trying to learn not to do that...big admission huh? Well it's really not all that big...the fact is, I have never felt as though life has given me reparations, lol...I always thought that I would have a great end to a terrible beginning, and I've discovered that life isn't always like that...sad moment...*deep breath*

I...I know that I am young yet...and I know that I have so much more living to do...however, I just can't say this first quarter of my life has been enjoyable for me...I spent the first several years trapped in a situation because I had no choice, then after I had choice I trapped my own self in a similarly debilitating situation due to my lack of esteem, faith and wisdom. Now that I've discovered some things, I still feel like just nothing is where I want it to be, and I'm working on all areas of my life, spiritually, financially. I'm fighting to maintain a balance, and I'm simply tired of fighting. I want to have just one thing come to me that is good, and not a momentary thing...something more permanent, and good change of some sort, that I can finally feel like the hell of the first 25 years was worth enduring.

THAT was random...totally...have a good Labor Day weekend all...

I don't have any patience. I am learning more and more each day how to deal with the things around me that I don't like. I have developed this sense that if I din't like it, it has to go. Period. Well, too bad the rest of the world doesn't think so. So I realized that I spend majority of my time attenpting to rid myself of the silliness around me, to no avail. I am allowing this to affect my day, which is not only crazy, but unhealthy. I HAVE to learn how to control my anger and irritation, otherwise I could be setting myself up for tomething I don't want. HOWEVER...there is some stuff that is just flippin ridiculous out there...I can't take it.

I'm taking this class on Western Religion...well my problem with people who don't practice any kind of faith, they always got something crazy to say about those that do. Well, I'm a Christian, and I believe certain things, but they're my beliefs. Given the opportunity, I will share them with you. If not...hopefully you will have noticed what I am anyway.

There are various other ways I'm feeling, but they don't need to be on here...love and don't be stupid. Bye.

Oh...

So I'm thinking, a friend of mine told me today that the thing he likes about me is my consistency, and that he always knows what he's going to get with me. Now, some may argue and say I am sometimey, and don't always want to speak or whatever, but that has more to do with my moody personality and nothing to do with you, and even in that, I'm consistent:O) But here's what I thought about today...I've not always been consistent, I've spent majority of my life trying to adapt to the desires of others for me, and I've always tried to adopt the admirable qualities in others that I saw, because I've always been so different, and people have always pointed that out, and it doesn't always feel good. And I don't know what happened, all of a sudden I got tired, tired of trying to be someone I wasn't...and now I'm me. Less inhibited, lol. I would say UNinhibited, but uh, there's not a person on this earth that is truly that. But I am myself, and you can deal or not, makes me no never mind. But you will always know where you stand with me, because if I don't like you, I will NOT smile in your face, and act like I do. If I love you, you'll know it, trust me. As a result, I've become a more consistent person, and I like that. I too, have come to expect certain things from others in this regard, being that they need to be consistent, but I've found that MOST people just aren't, and it's very sad. Try to add some consistency to your behavior.

I'm sleepy, and I love Reggie. yeah.

Whoooo...

Ok, so I've had this enlightened moment...and I realized that I'm personally done with this area...ya'll know where I'm at, lol...so NOW, at this point, I'm only here until God sees fit to provide me with the much awaited opportunity to be elsewhere. I find myself engulfed in a myriad of emotions, and I fight not to be overwhelmed daily...the bible talks about that kind of thing...I must look it up.

I also find myself wanting to sing again, that is all.

Within my walk with God, I have struggles, and I am well aware of my shortcomings, but to God, my shortcomings are a whole other matter, without total faith I cannot please Him, therefore I will have to become more spiritually disciplined...I will walk you through this journey.

MY HAIR!!! I'm trying to be patient, I have a girlfriend who said it took her hair a year to lock...I love being natural though, and the end result will be WELL worth it.

Weight loss...I've lost 5 lbs...many more to go.

Relationship...nunya business, lol, like I haven't written WHOLE blogs about this man...but I'm not ashamed of my relationship, or the love that we share...even if we broke up, I would still be very proud of the beautiful time we have shared...that's my baby, and thoughts of him bring secret smiles...

Uh...my friendships are vastly improving! Who would have thought? Ok...I'm done...

Salutations...

Some things are hard to say...

but need to be said, even when you're talking to yourself. You know, insecurity in a woman can be a very bad thing, it makes us act very irrationally sometimes. As a woman with certain insecurities, I can definitely vouch for that. I am a very emotional person, and most of my emotions you can read straight from my face. I also can feel when something is bothering me, within my whole body, it's ridiculous. As I'm feeling more and more tired by the moment, I will discontinue this blog, lol...goodnight...

Hello good people...

Dear Diary...lol...that's kind of how this feels sometimes...I'm feeling a little turbulence right now... I FINALLY feel that connection I've been waiting for, that pull and desire...not as strong as it was or is gonna be, but it's there, and encouraging...but like I said, I yet feel some turbulence. I am beginning to wonder about the things people say sometimes...you know, whenever you're pushing toward something, or making a decision, if something happens in the midst or something goes wrong, you're told it will all get better, or it just must not be for your good or some other such typical response...what if, however, none of that is true? Sometimes, things just happen. Sometimes I think we contradict ourselves...

Anyway, I'm sure someone, or all ya'll have no idea what I was talking about up there, that's ok, it was for me kinda anyway, lol.

In the Name of Love...

Anyone who knows me knows I'm SUCH an advocate of black love...I'm an advocate of lovve period, but as a black person I can say there are certain things within our culture in the love department that are severely screwed up, so when I see Black Love...I am all smiles...I know that within my own love story, I have been so blessed to have someone to give me so much, and add so much to my life. Within relationships, there are so many things to consider, so many things to do, to be careful of...and you have to worry about this other person, you know? But when you have a partner, it doesn't seem like so much...and you always want to have someone who's with you no matter what...they have staying power...again, in that area I've been blessed...there are many things through which my S/O has continually been by my side, encouraging and coaching me through...he puts up with a lot and still snaps when I'm trippin, lol...and I recognize the fact that he's very patient...I love it. I love him...and I can without doubt tell you he loves me...

There are some things that are just to be commended, and I definitely commend my boyfriend for truly being able to be a friend, and a man, a shoulder and for simply being the best...here's to you love...

She's a BRICK...HOOUUSE

Ok, I've been tiny my whole life and I never felt that I was particularly sexy, or whatever. I was always tiny breasted, no hips...a little butt, whatever. I put on a little weight starting a couple years ago, and I was like...aight, ok, I see you Kelli!! I was a little hype, feel me? I kept on bout my business, doin me, ya know. So as I keep going, my butt gets a little bigger, my thighs get a little thicker and my miniature boobies fill on out...OWWWWW! I think to myself...more attention, I feel a little more confidence, not that I didn't have any before, but I always wanted my body to look a certain way...so to me it was like...dag finally! I'm looking at all my relatives, with all the behind and them hips and whatever else and wondering, dag, why it skip me?!?! So anyway, I got it now...welllllllll...now my waist starts to plump, and plump...and plump...so I am now a two liter...no longer a coke bottle...and I'm telling you it WEARS on your emotions, that helpless feeling. When being thin is effortless, and you don't have to watch what, when, where you eat, it is one of the hardest things on earth to change...and being sedentary for so long, not working out, to now me going to the gym every day, is crazy!!! I mean, in the long run, I'll feel better and my body will become more flexible and better looking, but it's so HARD right now...I was on the verge of tears today just knowing how much I weigh...going from size 0's and 2's and 4's, 6's and under to 12, 14? Nah...not for me...so I've made a change, I've begun to work out regularly, and will continue to until this waist gets under control!!! For you big girls that love it, MORE POWER TO YOU! So long as you're healthy, but I have noticed the decline in my confidence, and the worst thing is that people feel it necessary to tell you you've gained weight...DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW! Jerks.

OOHHHHHHHHHH My hair!!!

SO, I ran into the first person to really let me know they didn't like my hair! AND it didn't phase me! CLAPS FOR ME! Now, I feel really good about this fact because I really had a time adjusting, although it didn't take me that long, I was really self conscious about it for a while. Now that I've gotten comfortable with it and I'm settled with the idea of it being a process, I can deal with the right now. I feel beautiful, and it's funny to me that some people really don't like it. I LOVE it...so don't let folks talk you out of doing things that you feel is what's best for you, because they're simply not you...only you know how you feel...

We are a family...

Nothing to me is more special than a family. I had the opportunity to spend time with my sig fig and his family, and I watched, participated and reflected. I love to observe his family, because a lot of things in my family are different than his, and I think it's beautiful! His family is not without it's quirks, but it is a functional, very close knit-unit. I watched as they laughed, took pictures, joked on both his mom and dad's sides, and it was nice to be around, you can tell they love and respect one another. On my side of the fence, it's not quite so pretty, and I began to wonder how much of that responsibility lies with me. Admittedly I don't put forth much effort with much of my family, but I can say that it's just so exhausting. I feel like much of everything is left up to me! I have to call, I have to stop by, I have to check on everyone else, and that's tiring! I have 7 siblings, two grandmothers, one with 14 brothers and sisters, 3 aunts, one uncle and 20+ first cousins on my mother's side...that's a lot of keeping up! None call and check on me, and a lot of the excuse is not having a way to contact me...well there are only so many times I'm going to give you my number...

Blessedly, I got a brief reprieve from that this weekend, they may not see each other all that often, but when they do it's all love, and it's beautiful...I may have to put in overtime to try to mend and rebuild some of the broken relationships in my own family but if the end result is what I encountered this weekend then I guess I welcome the challenge.

The state of the music game...

so...props to Lady Blogga on her recent blog about the BET awards...I haven't really given too much thought to the state of music overall, because my natural reaction to the lack of quality music out there today is to retreat into the solace of the tunes of yesteryear. But, LB's (yes, lol, LB) candid description of the award show led me to another thought! Right now, YES, we have GREAT musicians out there that do it for the love, and they actually have talent that is worth promoting, and we know some of them, Eric Roberson, Dwele, Jason Mraz, of course, India Aire, John Legend, Jill, on the rap side we got Lil Brother, Jay Z, Mos, the Roots, and all them good folks...but who's gettin the shine? Who has captured the hearts and wallets of the current generation, who ultimately decides in which direction our music is going? These cracker jack acts, that's who. And no, it's not all about the shine, the recognition, but how long before these real artists are totally phased out? Or one by one just get tired and overwhelmed with the influx of crappy singers, played out hooks and songs where the only half good thing is the beat? What do we do then? I realized today that as a singer, and yes, I'm a singer, I've been singing more years now than I haven't, and I can actually sing, I ain't Keyshia Cole-in it...but as a singer, and knowing the musicians and singers that I know, and having the love of music so deeply ingrained, I just realized that I haven't been hard enough on the music industry, on music period. I mean, they are mass-producing singers and rappers and right now, all you gotta be is mildly attractive to be a singer, no vocals, no nothing, and I don't think it's fair or right. Truth is, Ciara can't sing. No, she can't for real, but I guess that depends on your definition of singing. She has a couple songs where she does a little more than the average run or whatever, but overall...this chick is a dancer, and a ridiculously provocative one at that. Truth is, it's ALL about sex appeal, and that's a whole other blog in itself, but Keyshia sucks...SUCKS, her story is nice, her voice is crap. This chick had the NERVE to feature Monica on a track, who had to downplay her vocal ability to make Keyshia sound half normal...is that what we have to look forward to? Can you imagine when high schoolers get old, and they say, "Aw yeah, man, dat dere Goodies joint from back in the day? Yeah, THAT was real music." GTFOH.
Now rap? *sigh* I love bass like the next person, and a good beat is always what's up, but it seems like that's all the criteria for you to be a rapper right now. And not only that, but Jay is right, why are all the rappers singing? I have been guilty of letting the beat, that instinctively makes me want to shake my behind get to me, but no more...or at least less more, lmao. But these songs are terrible at best, and who right now has staying power? Huh? No one, that's who. Blog ya lata...

eh...felt like I'd post music from someone great

I am SO my hair...lol

So, I've said that I would chronicle my journey to natural, and locs...well...ladies and gentleman, I LOVE it. At first, I was so apprehensive, because my self esteem hasn't always been where it should be...but I feel GOOD ya'll...my hair is beautiful, it's growing, it's healthy! I didn't even realize my hair wasn't coarse or really crazy looking until I went natural...it's beautiful! My hair is thick, and it makes me feel so much more...black...lol, it really does, I feel such a pride in myself, it's indescribable...I wouldn't do anything else, and wish I would have done it sooner. And, I'm not single, but I will say this...the compliments you get are SO much better! Because it's like...people really MEAN it when they compliment a natural woman, not that folks didn't mean it before, but truth is, not all men like or think natural is attractive, and I've just gotten some of the nicest compliments lately, it helps! LOL, but for you ladies that are hesitant or who already are natural and feeling a little bit unattractive and nervous? LET IT GO, it will pass, it's a BEAUTIFUL thing, and once you realize it, you carry yourself different, you look radiant...that's the first thing someone said to me...I look so good and so happy, and I was like...yeah. I am.

Transitions, transitions...

I am in a transitional period, and I'm ok, and not so ok with it...because on one hand, I am and will continue to discover so much about me, but on the other hand, everything is so up in the air for me. I have no idea what's next, I know what I want to be doing, and so I'm working hard to get there, but we'll see. I lately have been feeling like blogging or being on my FaceBook is dangerous because so many people have gotten in trouble regarding these kinds of things...ridiculous I say! LOL, but really I have things I want to do and places I really want to go. I am trying so hard right now to get on track, I feel like everything in my life has changed. A lot of people don't understand that 6 months ago I walked away from my LIFE...and so I've felt a little lost. I had no idea what I was doing, what I should be doing and what I believed in anymore...and so I've been a little on edge, and a little frustrated, a little scared, and a little crazy...IONO YA'LL, lol...I just want to be happy...that's what I'm fighting for right now...ME...I don't feel like my life has been about me at all for all these years. So that's what's next.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Alright, now maybe I'm not the right young woman to bring this subject up...but I simply have a problem with the way some older women speak to younger women. Now I'm not talking about kids, I'm talking about, we're both grown, you just old. Anyway, I have had certain situations arise where an older woman I felt like should have gotten a mouth shot, because she feels like because she's old enough to be, she is everyone on earth's mother, feel me? But I am a firm believer that if we're both grown and I feel like you're jumping slick, oh I'm going to call you on that crap. Now let me explain where I'm coming from before you all get to thinking I'm some disrespectful little trollup. Now my mother passed away when I was a little girl and most of you know that. I was raised from there by men. First my daddy, who passed not too long after, and then my uncle. Now, I don't have this problem with men, and that's because they are constantly trying to crowd you with a bunch of nonsense, but that's another topic altogether. But with older women, I feel like this...I been on my own for a long time. I don't know everything, but I know enough. You aren't my mother, please don't come at me that way. Why can't an older woman be respectful to a younger one? Why we gotta bow down to ya'll all the time? What makes ya'll that special? Feel me? Us young women are on our own tryin to make it like you may have back in the day, why we gotta be disrespected or slighted and then be expected to be respectful? Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way, but I truly live by you gotta give it to get it...so sorry in advance to anyone who feels like they need to come silly and then I kinda let you know a lil sumthin and I'm the bad guy...but for real, learn to respect and you'll get it...if no one feels me on it, it's cool, but to me, older doesn't mean I have to grovel or bend over backwards...so what? I am very respectful btw to most, but all of us have had that run in with the older chick who just get to yappin at you, and she talkin like she feels like she's entitled to instruct your life...getthefreakouttaherewiththat. Lol...Miss me with the dumbness.

You are my passion...

So...I love to sing...right? I don't know anymore ya'll...I know I'm only 24, but I've spent majority of my life so far trying to sing...and I think I missed a turn somewhere. I truly believe that I did...I love to sing, but I gotta find what I used to love about it...because I've been feeling like...I'm cool on it...I enjoy singing background, and am a bottle of nerves when I'm solo...that is just not the way it used to be. I used to really be excited, and I just don't feel that way anymore...my desire when I sing is to really help someone understand the meaning of what I'm saying, but I don't have the confidence in front of people anymore to convey the emotion I feel. I BLOW at home, alllllll the time, I practice, and it doesn't comes out on stage, and I'm just a little frustrated with that...I will just have to continue to pray and work it out. But more than once I've wanted to just stop. But in my heart I truly want to continue. So I have, but I don't know if I'm adding anything to the various ministries I'm a part of...we shall see.

I also have discovered many desires other than singing!!! I love it, I have discovered so much passion inside myself for many things, I look forward to continuing to discover new things!!! I am SO excited about my magazine, it's not finished, and we have quite a way to go, but I really believe God that it will flourish.

Hmmm...and again...I am on this journey, trying to find my place in Christ, trying to follow Him as best I can, I am having a very hard time because I'm stressed about trying to find a church home, and it's really been a struggle for me. I am having to rely on just me and the Lord on this one, and it hasn't been that way for me for a while. I will talk more later.

Complete...closure...

so about a month ago I went back to IU Bloomington for the anniversary of the choir that I sang in. For those that don't know, I attended IU from june '02 to May '03. Anyway, I had this huge well of crazy feelings for years because I was dismissed for a semester and never went back, for some of the WORST reasons, and it bothers me until this day...so anyway, I'm back in school now, but I never really had any closure regarding the whole situation. When I went back down, I got that closure. I realized I had matured way beyond what I could have gotten down there, and I realize that a part of the reason I was there was to meet the people I met when I did...those are the people whom I believe will always be a part of my life...I don't feel like there's a chapter of my life missing anymore...I feel fortunate to have experienced what I did...amen...

So...

I feel so many different things! I am really very excited, impatient, and Lord...I don't know what else! I really feel like I'm going to make a bit of a difference in people's lives with the magazine I'm working on, with the help of my partner/love of my life, lol...I just can't believe I'm doing something like this!!!! I am fighting every day mentally to be thankful for my current situation...it's often so hard to be grateful for the frustrating things in life when we have so many things to look forward to! I am experiencing...a myriad of emotions daily, so many things going on in my life...lately I've been wanting to just stop everything, in an attempt to just get a grip! I'm also trying to do better with the relationships around me! I feel like I am somewhat selfish, and that I'm not considerate enough of my friends...I'm very self absorbed, and because I want to get past like...every major trauma in my life, I want to get out of that! Admittedly, a certain part of me feels like SOMETHING in my life ought to be easy, or easiER, but it's just not, you know? I fall in love, the man's forever and a day away, lol, I find what I want to do with myself, and heck, I don't have much time to put into it because I'm working ALL THE TIME...but I can't help but thank God for just remaining faithful to me, because I've not been the same, and He's kept me, truly kept me, because there have been times I've felt out of my mind...you ever REALLY experienced that? It's very scary, I know that much...oh but with His help, prayer and wonderful people around me, I am growing, growing...O there are just so many things I want to be doing right now...

Another Mother's Day

So today I sat, and I really reflected on how I felt about today. I'm not a mother, and my mother is not living, and has been gone for around 18 years of my life. I find myself kind of...shying away from family and friends around this holiday, because I feel like it's a time for people and THEIR mothers. If I could spend time with mine, of course, that would be beautiful, but it's not the case, and I can deal with that. Of course there are wonderful women in my life who have really been very good to me, but I think my longing, and bitterness that I can't have MY mother hasn't allowed me to see just how much they care for me. And also, most of these women have their own children, and I really don't like to invade people's "space" so to speak. So I've learned to cope with this day, and count it a blessing to see another one. Most people who don't have their mothers or fathers will tell those of you who do, "well be grateful you're parents are here, some of us don't have that privilege"...I won't say it just like that, but I will say that even in impossible situations, as long as they're living, you have a chance to improve that situation, or to appreciate their lives. At least do that. Now admittedly, there are some situations that are irreparable...don't have any advice for that, I just know that on days like this I'd kill to be able to be mad at my mother...try to enjoy this day.

Christians know how to alienate people better than....ANYONE!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090508/ap_on_re_us/us_school_dance_flap

I saw the above article, had to go read it. You know...some people are taking stuff to the extreme, and their ideas of upholding the commandments of God are serving to drive people from His face rather than show people who He is. In life, we are all awarded choices. GOD gave us free reign to choose to live our lives according to how we want to. There are things that he asked us not to do, and things he told us TO do. We all agree? Good. Now, do I think that it's appropriate for folks to be dancing all up on some girls behind, so it looks like they're having sex? Nope, but can I say I have done it? Yup. But here's the thing, if you CHOOSE to engage in that behavior, that ain't between you and me. I may not agree, but I LOVE you anyway...know why? Because Christ loved a bunch of misfits to heaven, plain and simple. He asked me to simply love everyone the way he loves us, and live my life full of right choices...are all of them right, and will all of them BE right? Not necessarily, but again...that's not between me and you. We sit on our high horses and beat these kids...and adults over the head, wielding what little power we have in an attempt to force people to make the "right" decision. You don't know what's going to happen to or for someone, stop trying to control every aspect of their lives! It only breeds regret and resentment later on. People need to be able to come to Christ of their own accord, we simply show them the way, if they choose not, our love should be no different! Let that boy go to prom and graduate, he's not done or doing anything wrong...yet. But if he does, he has to answer to his Father, not some board of ridiculous control freaks.

When the actions don't speak louder than the words...

So...once again I've felt the need to make it plain...you know how they say actions speak louder than words...yeah, yeah...true...sometimes...but here's the scenario...check it...you interest of the opposite sex...ya'll talk, hangout, and are somewhat affectionate...you really feelin them...you want more...they pop off sayin "I don't want a relationship, I just want to be friends" and that's not what you want, but to keep them in your life, you agree, and don't lie...that's why most of you agree...and things continue the way they were...why? Because THEY are using you to get what they can't get elsewhere in that moment, and they know you won't go anywhere because you want them around...easy fix, right? YES...it is...you're thinking by showing your devotion, they will come around...and they think that ya'll can hang out until what they really WANT comes around...who's fault? YOURS. When it blows up in your face, all you have to fall back on is them telling you they didn't want a relationship. Doesn't matter what either you did...from that conversation, there was an unspoken understanding...no matter what happens, we're just friends...they have convinced themselves they're doing the right thing by being "honest", and you're deluding yourself into thinking they want you and just don't know it yet. They're wrong...but you're stupid. Sorry...it's the way the cookie crumbles...I've been stupid before too. Fix it.

So...

I haven't written about love in a while...and I felt like I should, only because I'm learning more and more about it each day. I truly HAVE been blessed to have a chance to experience something lasting, and I am getting a taste of what it means to be in something for the long run. I've finally met someone about whom I have no qualms with proclaiming my everlasting love for, and I don't have fear of anything on the negative side...I had previously allowed into my life men who were not whole emotionally, and I ended up dealing with the fallout from that. And while they were busy trying to construct themselves, I was the one falling apart; they were destroying me. Of course...while I was single I had fun, and I dated here and there, some more serious and others...but nothing that I really felt ok with for long term. So as I've said before, I start talking to Reg again, and we've been together now for 4 months, it will be 5 sometime in May...and I know, you're like...how you know you love him and wanna be with him and blah blah blaggedy? Well, we have been friends for going on 4 years this year...we've learned each other, and loved each other as individuals first. If there is anything that I can honestly say gets close to perfection is being able to connect with a TRUE friend. This man has been by my side all the time he's known me, and ladies I'm telling you, I don't have to question him, I don't have to wonder, I don't have to fight for his attention. He respects me firstly because he knows me...the REAL me...you know your friends see a side of you that others don't often get to see...and he loves it...and I him. And the most important thing I think we have is the desire to keep our relationship between us. Of course when necessary we've consulted certain trustworthy outsiders, but for the most part, we do not involve others in what's going on with us, and I love it...we solve our problems on our own, we leave no issue to lie and fester, and it brings us closer, and makes us feel so much better...I know we have a lot to learn, but I think we've got the basics down pretty well...we also have similar goals, and that helps...we are supoprtive of one another, and support is SO important, there are so many times a man or woman don't support their S/O, and it can drive a wedge between you...there will be many things to challenge your relationship, pay attention to the little stuff...it matters!!! He and I have all kinds of little rituals that keep it fresh, keep the love stirred up and new, it's so lovely...and while some would probably gag, lol...it keeps us together...we love each other, and we will continue to because we acknowledge the good AND the bad, and we continue to work on us, I hope that others can experience it the way we've been fortunate enough to...*kisses* babe...thanks for your friendship, support and love.

It's been a while...

And I don't like to go this long without expressing myself...but I've been busy...I've discovered I have a love for this...even if no one reads it...I enjoy putting my thoughts down, and hey, someone could get some sort of help from all my talkin, lol...so anyway...a friend (future friend maybe) posed an interesting question..."How can you pursue a dream, if you don't know what your dream is?" And yeah, I know....DUH...you think...but you know how sometimes you get that urge to drive, but you don't have ANY particular destination in mind, you figure you'll figure it out while you're going? That's I guess what I thought my life would be like...I wanted to be free to pursue my goals...but didn't know what they were...or so I thought...I realized that I had KNOCKED my own dreams!!! Can you believe that? Well I can...I still know all the gifts and talents that God has placed in me...but it has been so long with nothing happening that I figured that was pretty much over, give that up...ya dig? But my dreams of having my own publication, radio show, salon amongst other things are not dead...all these years I have fought to attain certain things...trying to make sure I didn't have to ask anybody for anything, make sure I wasn't a burden on anyone else...and at the same time I was killing the spark inside of me...I knew that because I had certain obligations, there were certain things that I was going to have to sacrifice....dang near turned out to be everything. But now I have new hope...I know what I want to do, and I'm taking the steps to do it...God willing, I will be in the position to operate in those things that He's blessed me to be talented with...and everyone in my life will benefit from it...have I been the most faithful servant? Absolutely not...but I love God and I want my life to exemplify allllllll the things He's done for and through me...Ya'll look out for ya girl, I'm about to be grindin!!!

Not a good feeling...

I don't think I've ever felt more lonely than I do right this moment...just really feeling the fullness of the separation from most of the people I care about recently...I hate to sound like such a whiner...but my emotions are always so STRONG, and it's just how I feel...I have such a desire to be closer to my family, and I could...but the force that always seems so much stronger in me is being alone...I've always been alone...I never visted relatives as a child...and I was kept from my brothers and all my mother's side of the family...so while it is torturous for me, it comes naturally for me to isolate myself...sounds crazy huh? I have no idea what to do with these feelings...no idea how to manage...I want to feel normal...not that I feel crazy all the time...but I just want to be able to interact normally, without all the extra...Lord help...I think that with time, it will change...but for now...it's quite unmanageable...I wish I could let someone feel what it's like to feel so detached...separate from everyone you love...*sigh*

Au Naturale...

yeah...so I just recently went natural...and I'm getting used to it...I think I shall chronicle allllllllllll the different emotions I'm feeling, as I feel them...so far, I feel a little self conscious, I lie my hair, but am always aware of others looks, thoughts and what not...who cares? one might ask...I do I guess...I think that because I'm so used to my hair being a certain way...this extreme change has me doubting, and of course my crazy mind is looking for someone to take its side and say, not go get a relaxer heffa! Lol...I know that in time I will get more and more used to it...I am getting more used to it every day that passes...however, I have my moments where I think to myself that I may have been much more beautiful before...OH...but I know that won't always be the case...

I forgive...

HOW do you forgive? See, everyone is different, and some things affect others more deeply...but what are the methods used to forgive someone who hurt you? I have heard and have watched people tell others, even told others myself that they have to let go of the pain they feel and give it to the Lord...hm. I think that just might be the right thing...however...HOW do you do that? You know? When you're a sensitive person, who loves so fully...who trusts WHOLEHEARTEDLY and freely the people in your circle, and that circle becomes broken, how do you repair that? Time? Space? Prayer most certainly...but what's the right combination? I have multiple people in my life from childhood on up that I need to truly forgive...and I've prayed...and prayed...and prayed...and tried...you know how they say push until something happens? Or fake it til you make it? Oh Lord I've done that...and still feel as if I'm only half way there...what IS it that helps you hold onto a little of that pain you felt...pushing you away from those who have almost certainoy forgiven themselves and moved on with their own agendas...I know for a fact that you can't move forward while holding onto a past ought...it's funny so many things in my life that hurt I hardly think about...but it's the occasion when I do that has my brow furrowed in worry...I don't want to still feel a little prick of pain when I think of certain people, or when I go see them, you know? I guess I will just continue to follow the same regimen...pray, pray, pray.

So...what ABOUT your friends?

In one of my classes, I have discovered that one of my "strengths" is that I'm a relator. And that doesn't mean what you may first think of...because when I first saw it, I was like...huh? So here's the deal...I don't have many friends...and that's a natural thing. My personality naturally makes me carefully select a few people who will stick by me for the long run...I don't really do a whole lot of making new friends...I'm a "why fix what's not broken?" kinda gal...don't get me wrong, I love people...I really do! I love to talk to total strangers, and I LOVE being around people, I love meeting new people, and will carry on a conversation with almost anyone...but when it comes to friendships, I believe in a much deeper connection. I really believe that a friend is someone that I can absolutely count on, even when it's inconvenient for them, because I will do the same, you know? I LOVE my friends, and will do almost anything for them if it's within my means to do so. And I don't believe in betrayal, there's not a friend I have that I would betray, or think of betraying, because they're just that...my friend. I think a lot of people have drawn the short stick on the friend thing...I often here stories and complaints from people about their friends...and I think to myself...hm...that's SO not my story! I have been blessed to have friends with me from childhood, and more recently a couple of ladies that I know will be in my life for the rest of it have come along, although at some points the relationshiop is still tentative for me. I really think though, that more people ought to consider the types of friends that they NEED in their lives before they just connect to someone...funny thing...I ASKED God to show me those that truly had my best interest at heart...and He's been showing me now for the past couple of years...it's truly made a big difference in my life. I really hope that others' sense of self preservation kick in...because nothing hurts worse than having someone in your life that is dysfunctional, because they'll end up hurting you, even if it's not on purpose...believe me, I know. Which leads me to my next blog...

You just do you...

You know...there are a few things that I have been learning over the course of the past few months. One being that you cannot let others dictate to you who you are. I made that mistake, not seeing that the people I held so much stock in weren't so much better off than me. Realize that you can stand on your own, and that way you won't be so disappointed when your heroes show you their true colors. A lot of people have disappointed me in the last few months, only because they have placed themselves so far above everything, and I thought they were, only to find out they are just like the rest of us...which wouldn't be a problem if they would only ACT like they were fallible.



Also...I have come to the conclusion that people have to stop allowing others to mess in their lives...while we're sitting up following or being led by what someone else is telling us, we're unhappy and they're doing what they want to do. Do you even realize that? Always make sure what you're doing sits well with you...mistakes are meant to be made, and you know the difference between something that's life or death, right or wrong...you don't need play by play commentary...do you. Often people tell you that there are some things that you don't have to experience because you have seen someone else make that mistake...the funny thing is, the mistake someone else made can be a victory for you, so like I said before...MAKE SURE YOU DO YOU. Ultimately, your choice is your own, and while people will tell you that, they also imply that you should do what THEY say...beware of dumb crap. Take advise under advisement...into consideration, and then do what's best for you...we get one life...just one...and some try to spend theirs AND use others...

Hm...last thing I really learned...is that I'm in love...I mean REALLY in love...and it's a beautiful thing...you know what sucked initially? I didn't want to date, because someone always would be telling me how I really felt...or that it wasn't real, that it wasn't right, or this that and the other thing...and some of you who read this will immediately think of certain people, but the spectrum was much larger than that...NOW...yes, you will make mistakes when dating...but make sure you keep your relationship to yourself. Yes...another thing I failed to do and I learned from it the hard way...you will deal with enough without having a million other opinions floating around in your head...outside people will KILL your relationship, seriously. To imagine that I may have passed on this man irritates me unto no end, because I was just that easily influenced...don't make that error. LOVE, peace and hair grease.

Just a random joint...follow my thoughts...

So...I've been thinking on some things...I've become very private over the past few years...due in part to not having had a private life, which of course was my fault, but I didn't like it...so now I may be a tad OVERprotective of myself and my life, but because I went through this period where I was so easily influenced or swayed...and transitioning from that to being able to make a decision for you is not an over night thing. So...that leads me to my relationship...I was telling Reg today that while I don't mind people knowing us...I don't want them to know is, feel me? I know there are quite a few folks that may think they know...but they don't, lol...people know what you allow them to see, and right now, I'm happy leaving things to speculation. I don't really inquire about anyone else's business, and love for people to stay out of mine...

Lately...I've been disgruntled at school/work scenarios...it's soooooooo taxing to do all the things I do...and people always say you have a choice how much you put on your plate...but I can't think of a single thing that I CAN cut out. Each thing is essential to my life...especially my singing...

Speaking of which...I gotta get out more and sing...like I used to...we'll see...anyone need me?

I am...a work in progress...beginning to wonder how many of us make assumptions on God...we assume we know what He likes...doesn't...wants...doesn't want...but that's not the case...I don't want to out guess God...

Like I said...random.

A woman's place...

Now...I hear a lot of women up in arms about this very idea...the idea of having a "place" just puts a fire under the butts of so many, it's funny to me. My question is, is the argument really with you having a "place?" Why are women so hell bent on "breaking all the rules"? What is it that drives you to quickly say "UH UH, I don't HAVE to do blah blah skip, it's my CHOICE, I can do what I want?" I mean...the truth is, from back in the day, the traditional views of the man being the head of the household and the provider, and the woman being the support of her man, by taking care of what's WITHIN that household, outside of yardwork and all that is not a bad deal. Why we feel we must change the tire, mow the lawn, work in the factory (I know that some women choose to do this, I'm just making my point), and protect the family is beyond me...I mean, is there something wrong with me, who desires to have my man be the head of my house, and I will willingly support and input as necessary? I mean...I tend to think I'm as bossy and independent as they come, those who know me may give me an amen, but at the end of the day, I don't have anything to prove...I'm a woman manicured, no manual labor, tryin to be cute and always feminine type of chick, who doesn't have a problem with my "place"...you know why? Because I think that a man has his place too...I expect my man to take out the trash, get my car fixed, come change my flat, fix the toilet and all that jazz...and I've BEEN on the other side...I've done it all alone, all the time...so what? I feel quite accomplished, and don't have a problem deferring to my man when I feel it falls under his jurisdiction, lol. So ladies...what's the deal? Why are we trying so arduously to deny and denounce any sort of boundaries? Am I missing something? I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman who can do it all, so don't think I'm coming down on anyone, I just don't understand the great attitude you get when someone speaks on a man or woman's role...what is it that you're REALLY trying to prove? Is it just that you want recognition for these things? I mean...no one is holding you to just this strict definition of a woman's duties, I like to think of it as something to look forward to...I can't wait to run my household alongside my career...but maybe it's just me?

Slightly irritated...

You know...I don't claim to know everything...or anything for that matter...at what cost, however, does knowledge come? I have gotten slightly perturbed with all the conspiracy theory floating around...reason being...1...you don't know if it's true...there's nothing written or recorded that you KNOW for a fact is true. 2...if it IS true...WHERE DO YOU GO FROM THERE?!?!? All the people who are "spreading the knowledge" are simply fear mongering. You're not providing a solution, you're not showing the way to a plan to prevent or stop the supposed crazy government. You call yourselves so "AWARE". Of what?!?!? There is some knowledge that is absolutely useless, and yours borders on ridiculous. I don't buy into everything you're selling, although admittedly everything is not honky dory on capital hill, but it HASN'T been. If you're not solving a problem you're CAUSING one. Come back with a plan...and maybe I'll listen. For now, just give up. It's irritating. And this is my personal opinion. You don't have to agree...

Goals, dreams and aspirations...

So...lately...or rather the last week...I've really been going back and forth, because I have kinda become torn between a couple of things...I have such a desire to get into the administrative field, like corporately, or like, for an artist, or athletic firm or something...but at the same time, I would also like to teach I think...and I'm not sure what to do about that...lol...And, with so many transitions in my life coming up...not sure when I should start trying...I also have my own business aspirations...I would love to get into management consulting...I think managers SUCK at every company I've ever worked with, they're very unprofessional, very childish, and just ridiculous. They focus so much on the wrong thing, and so many businesses forget that the most productive environment is often the one that an employee is comfortable in...you have to allow the employee to work well...not pin them down with so many rules that they JUST do what they are required...I also want to be in a position to be more active charitably...even though I'm moving next year, I would be very happy to find another job in the mean time...I hate working so far from home, not really having much free time...it sucks...

And also, I'm very interested in having my own radio show...that would be a dream for me...as well as starting my own mag, which is definitely something I'm working on...

A spiritual encounter...

NEVER, not ever have I woken up feeling the way that I felt this morning...last night I was talking to my boyfriend about this issue that I've had for years, that I never quite knew how to pray about, and felt like I could never quite get rid of...this is quite personal, but what is the purpose of me experiencing it if I can't share it and possibly encourage someone else in this same area? I've NEVER been a self proclaimed "HOLY ROLLER", but I am wholly devoted to the Lord, with everything that's within me. On to my experience...

I've always been...physical...sexual...and never fully understood it. I have always been told that my movements, comments have always been flirty, sexual...different. And I've always drawn men to me, in a physical way...since I was a teen...and I never understood it, I always felt bad, because it would be...married men, men I didn't know, men in relationships...and they would just kind of approach me, and make me kinda...step back, and look at myself...I would always wonder what on earth it was in me, that drew these people to me...because I didn't want it. At all. Eventually, these things took hold of me internally, and I was drawn to different things...and I understand a normal, healthy sex drive, God intended for sex to be a beautiful, natural thing, and I believe it is...but that's not what I had inside me at all...if you have never been controlled by something, you may not quite understand...but for me, physically...once I had that craving...I needed it to be gone...NEEDED it to go away...that thirst had to be quenched, or it would darn near consume my thoughts...and as someone who is often alone, that's not any easy thing to combat...so I pretty much began to do what I needed to do in order to get the monkey off my back...I never knew how to get rid of it...I prayed, half heartedly, because I didn't understand what it was...I never fully acknowledged what it was...but last night, I said I was talking to my boyfriend about it...and it was the first time I had articulated what it was that was working in me...and I went to sleep late...woke up this afternoon with this feeling, it was incredible, because I FELT like God was tearing that out of me...that uncontrollable drive, urge for the sexual...and I'm even overwhelmed right now...I just don't know how to describe...I woke with my stomach hurting, and this feeling...just this feeling...the first thing that came to me was that it was leaving me...I am...so unashamed...I feel...so great...it's still going to be a journey of course...because if anyone knows that scripture...let me go find it right quick, so I can break it down...Matthew 12:43-45

43When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none.

44Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished.

45Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first.

I have no intention of allowing what I had in me to come back, stronger than before...YPJ preached a sermon on this, and I'm so glad that I have that knowledge to draw on right now...when you're cleansed of something, you HAVE to fill that space with something else...that something else being prayer, the word, and whatever else you need to fill the void of an unnatural emptiness...this is the most personal blog I've ever written, because these aren't things that are evident to everyone that knows me, and so often people who don't believe look at you like you're crazy, and still others will judge...but that's fine...if someone feels me...thanks...if not...hey...

BUT, if you've ever had an experience like what I had...not being able to control something within you...seek to have it ripped out of you...acknowledge it, don't ignore it...you don't have to tell everyone, you don't have to feel ashamed of it...but I'm telling you...you'll be much better for it...

Thanks for reading, hope it helps someone...it helped me to write it...and I'm open to alllll manner of questions...

You ever...

just have one of those hard days, where you're just can't be consoled? MAN...if today wasn't that day...I just got to thinking...that on top of a hard life...I made it harder...and it's crazy...because I now can look back on a decision that I made and see where God told me to go...and see where I went...and it's been a LOOOOOONG road to...here...which is still not the fulfillment of the full vision of me as God sees it...in love with a man, ever patient, because he knows...and I thank him for that...learning about God ALLLLLL over again...He knows my heart...and I've given it to Him...he's able to fix allllll ills...it's so beautiful...all the things in my life right now are very...different...I'm trying to focus on everything...trying my best to balance it all out...and so far it seems ok...I believe I can greatly improve my prayer life, reading time...all of that...and I am/will. It's so hard to come back to something you didn't know you were slowly walking away from. I have realized so many things about myself over the past several weeks...have processed SO MANY emotions...it's all so...new...so...refreshing...I feel like...if I know how I feel, I can properly articulate...I know God knows my heart, but I want to be able to talk to Him about my pain, my hurt, and get over it...I want to rejoice in Him every day, focus on Him, and not see through someone else's eyes...because I need that for days like this...I get tired of being sensible, rational, having to make the exact right decision, or I'm screwed...it's exhausting...I know that everything in life doesn't come easy...but can some things? Ever? Sure doesn't feel like it...but I AM blessed...so I must say thank you Lord for being there for me...

So many....

It's amazing the thoughts that can so quickly run through your mind...I'm discovering a need to be accepted, because I've always felt so out of place everywhere, my entire life...and I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt...but I just feel so...different. I have friends that seem to all have different views of me...some think I'm difficult, a little mean...others think I'm dramatic, and very...over the top, outspoken...and hey...all of those things may be true...but really...I just want to be around people who understand me...who really love me, and desire to be a friend to me, and allow me to do the same...and maybe some of these thoughts are self imposed perceptions...but in one way or another I've gotten those reactions at one time or another...and it's funny...this Jill Scott song sums up my feelings on me right now...

Don't feel no pity for me
Cause I'm going through a couple things,
Life means change,
That's the way it goes,goes
All my life I had a constant burning
A strong deep,desire
An aching ambiguous,yearning,yearning,
yearning

For something better
For something bigger
For something wider
For something higher
And lots of regrets
Cause I ain't seem to found it yet
I've been searching around the world
Never knowing what to expect
I get sad sometimes
Yes I be mad sometimes
Cause I'm out here on the grind
Making mine
And I still can't seem to find
What I've been looking for
Opened so many doors
For real,yo
I just wanna be loved...

I just wanna be loved
Like everybody else does
I just wanna be loved
I just wanna be loved
I just wanna be loved

And I know there are those who do...and I also know that I'll have to continue to push to get past the opinions of people...believe me when I tell you that I get closer every day.

Sometimes....

Sometimes the most sound decisions are the hard ones...with so many changes in my life, I'm JUST now at twenty four feeling like my life has begun...and with the new feeling came a desire to GET GOING. I have been blessed not to be affected by the state of things in the country, and I count my blessings very carefully...I've opened my heart to life, and love, and have been rewarded thus far. There are of course things that I need to continuously improve upon, but that's life right? So...Reginald and I had to make the decision for me NOT to move to St. Louis in May/June...solely for economical reasons...and that quite possibly was one of my hardest realizations...that it probably would be best to wait. I'm frustrated, he's frustrated, but nonetheless, we know what we need to do...we love each other, so it makes it a little easier...and recently I kind of had an odd experience, because Reginald is having his first encounter with potential life threatening situations within his family...and I've practically lived my entire life with mom, dad, this aunt, my grandpa, uncles dying all around me, and I've kind of not learned how to be sensitive to others, because this is not a normal thing, but when you've seen it so much...you know? But I have tried to be there as best I can, to comfort and to encourage, and I hate to see him endure unfamiliar, frightening territory...if I could I truly would take this burden for him. But life is great, grand, beautiful and allat....finally feeling like I know what to do...like shackles have been taken off my mind...it's all love right now...beautiful.

So...

Some days are harder than others...admittedly...I think that the weight of the decisions that I'm going to make over the next few months is so wearing on me...I can't do more than pray, and continue to do what I'm supposed to do to keep going...so many things in my life are new...so many things that are old keep popping up...I'm trying to balance school, work, singing, a relationship...and I wouldn't have it any other way, but it's hard...school? Well that's something I regretted not continuing since I dropped totally out in 2003...I have so many things I want to do, and it just seems silly not to continue...work? I try to be grateful for a job, but it's so hard having to deal with politics and trying to please people at work, being one of just a few minorities, dealing with the jokes, the comments, the customers, knowing it's not what I want to do...blah...singing? You know, I used to be so free singing...it wasn't even that I thought I was that great...I just didn't have any reason to think I couldn't sing...I did it all the time...and I love it to this day...and I will continue to do it...my confidence is slowly but surely coming back...and...the relationship...actually...of all these things...this one has been the thing that has really helped me lately...a wonderful partner, there to encourage me when I'm ready to give up...I just want us to remain in God's will...

Oh...my heart, my mind...

Forgive me not...

Matthew 18:21-22 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

WAIT!!! SOME of you may have just got turned off because you think the bible is a bunch of whatever, and so forth...so I got a couple quotes for ya'll too.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Ghandi

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” Sarah Paddison

So there, you can stay...
I have been a slave to unforgiveness for a very long time...and not because I WANTED to not forgive...but because the pain that I felt from the things that were "done to me" was so deep, so very, very deep, and I felt like I needed to see some sort of repercussions...something, anything that let me know they paid or were paying for being so careless with my feelings...guess what? They kept going with their lives...and I was waiting for a sincere apology, an explanation, a sign of change...wrong thing to do.
Unforgiveness...the single most deadly poison in the world today...it keeps you bound to a person, it stops you from thinking clearly, it hinders relationships, friendships, it makes people not want to be around you...
You see them, with their friends, who are sometimes also your friends, and you want them to not like them either, you want them to be isolated, cast out for their treachery, ignorance, lies, and all the hurt they caused you...and that causes further pain, because you don't understand why no one sees your side, right? Sucks to be you, because no one else is punishing them for what you did...we always need to SEE some sort of punishment when someone has "done us wrong"...well for those who are Christians...we know we may not always see it, but God said that vengeance is His...and then too, we know that God had every right to show them the grace and mercy He showed us when we slept with his/her girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife, when we lied, cheated...hmmm? Those are the things we forget...we always want someone to forgive us, but we have a hard time forgiving...remembering what we have done...and showing others mercy...

Yeah, we know, you don't let anyone get away with playing you...no one hurts your pride, no one embarrasses you...ok...that mentality will have you in an early grave. The funny thing is, the bible TELLS us, that if you can't swallow ya little bit of pride and forgive, God will NOT forgive you, and you know what that leads to.

There are just so many things that have happened to and around me lately...and it's all made my eyes open up.

Look at how unforgiveness has ravaged your neighborhoods, families, churches...because parents can't forgive, they can't teach their kids to, and because their kids don't learn forgiveness, they shoot someone else's child, and kill them, and that creates a cycle...

Because the church can't forgive, that person who once loved the Lord has been driven back to their old habits, and is now poisoning everyone they meet with words of hatred, bitterness and anger toward a CHURCH...because the church won't forgive, God can't trust them with his precious children...the ones who are so hungry for something, yet we can't feed them because we don't know how to treat each other...the ones at home, the ones we see every day...a lot of us have a lot of encouragement for those we don't know...try that with your friends, family...the ones in your immediate circle...

I'm just saying...there are people who DON'T HAVE A HOME, who don't have jobs, who don't have money, who can't feed, clothe their kids. People who can't afford for their child to get sick, who don't have cars, and have to travel in this ridiculous weather on foot every day, people who have no hope, people who can't worry about what someone did to them because they need to figure out where they are going to sleep, eat, lay, work every day...yet you clearly have enough food, money, leisure time to sit and let negative feelings for someone fester and boil, and turn us into ugly, uncaring, unpleasant, bitter, hateful people, when we can be helping those less fortunate...that's what it's all about right? Let's grow up.

We've all been hurt, and we can't change what someone's done...but we CAN change how much control that hurt will have over our lives.


Jesus said to turn the other cheek

He also said to forgive 7 times 70

Easy for Him to say

He was God

Or at least the son of God



How do I get to the place

Where I forgive those

Who disrespect me and malign me

Those who could care less about my feelings

Yet I still care about theirs



Why is forgiveness so hard

Why does it take so much out of you

Why is it easier to hold on to a grudge

Rather than to let it go

Am I doing something wrong



If it is true that we are to love others

As we love ourselves

And we stay mad at ourselves

For our misdeeds and misdoing

Is it realistic to easily forgive someone



If you extend the olive branch

Of friendship and kindness and forgiveness

And it is not returned

Should you really keep trying

Even if you feel it is a lost cause



Or will persistence win the day

With the honesty and sincerity of words

Be recognized and acknowledged

Followed by a reasonable attempt

To let bygones be bygones



Is this one of the famous battles

Between head and heart

With both having opposing views

But the same hold on your psyche

Neither winning, neither losing



Sometimes I wonder

If our lack of ability to forgive

Is truly more rooted in our

Bruised ego and hurt feelings

Perhaps the pain we feel is comforting



If I were to release my anger and my pain

Only to be knocked again

Who becomes the bigger fool

Me for trying

Or them for doing



I wish that such matters were as easy

As a game of tic-tac-toe

Or perhaps it is

Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose

Neither happens if you don’t take a chance



So I resolve to forgive

To be the bigger and better person

Give of myself as I would want others

To give to me

And perhaps this time everyone will win.

There's a new...

thought in my head, a new motto, mission, vision, whatever you want to call it...two things...I'll address the first...
STOP putting your past off on others...you know how people say you are to learn from your mistakes? How do you know unless you make them? If you didn't do something everytime someone told you not to, just because they said not to...your life is over. Women...JUST because your man all of a sudden started working late, and you eventually found out that he was cheating, doesn't mean mine is. Mine could be working late because he's trying to buy my wedding ring...no why? Because every man isn't the same...STOP SPREADING YOUR STORIES OF WOE...no one outside of your friends care...and most times they're tired of hearing it...but because they're your friends...they listen. Mine put up with me, but I didn't put it off on strangers...it's very aggravating to have to endure. STOP.

K...Secondly...I have been through this, so I can comment...Loneliness...low self esteem...it's so hard to come out of...feeling sorry for yourself...but guess what...no one else is going to come and pick you up, and wipe your knees...you have to do it yourself...you want a man? Get busy with yourself!!! Why do you think you need to wait until someone TAKES you to do the things you like to do? That's why you're lonely in the first place, because you lack the security to do anything on your own. I did too, and when I finally realized how much fun just living was, and not searching for a man was...I found a freedom unlike any other...you don't have to believe what I am saying...try it. Make sure you look good wherever you go, go to the zoo, go see a play, go to the movies...enjoy yourself...it's so very great to be able to rely on yourself. Of course sometimes you'll still be lonely, that's natural...but you won't wallow in depression. Ladies...men don't like simpy, wimpy, weepy women, some might...but for the most part, if you're all caught up in feeling sorry for yourself, your outward appearance reflects it, and if you're free of that...people will notice...

It is not an illusion...

A sweet love, complete.
So fierce and consuming, everything else pales in comparison.
You woke my heart, from a deadly sleep, your smile, your kiss, your embrace from the very first time.
Unexpected, this love...untraditional, if you will.
A thing I scoffed at, online encounters...being a "saint", waiting for God to send my man to find me...well He did...online at that...guess you need to go re-write your traditions, huh?
No doubt in my mind he is for me...from his mother he must leave, to me he will cleve...one day.
Feeling love is such a very complicated thing...it cannot work on it's own...learning every day, patience, communication walk with it hand in hand.
Compromise...compromise is the word of the day...learn it's not the same as settling...
Oh but a love...a love like this you know is the love you want for life...
To feel another's pain as your own, to take on their passions as they take on yours...nothing like...Reginald's love.

This is why I can't watch movies...

I teared up watching The Family that Preys...there was a homeless man named Nick, that would come into the diner and Alfre Woodard would feed, clothe and bathe this man...and it hit my heart so hard...I have such a desire to help those truly in need...you never know what someone has gone through to be in those situations...and so often we are so content to accumulate our own wealth, or hoarde what we have...but God says you shall get what you give, good measured, pressed down and shaken together...I don't have much, but such as I have I offer to those who need it...I remember eating biscuits and syrup for dinner as a child because we didn't have anything else...I recall my father taking me door to door asking for money...the more I can help not to have that memory...the better...it's just so hard to watch others suffer...so many have such a lack of compassion...I know that not every homeless or poor person DESERVES any kind of help....but if you honestly thought about all the chances you've gotten to get it right...how many of those did YOU deserve? If God gave us just what we deserved...most of us would be dead or crazy...*sigh* I know that's all heavy...but my goodness...so many things in movies remind me of things I've encountered in my life...I've thought of writing a book...not sure who would want to buy it...but hey...hmmmmmmm...I feel so heavy with it all...I think I'll begin...at the beginning...a lot of this some of you have heard...but it's on my mind...in my heart...so again...these are my memories...such as they are today...
As a little girl I lived with my mother...happy enough, spoiled...none of my brothers lived with us, so you could say I was an only child...anyway...my mother apparently got sick...I recall going wig shopping...that wig shop is still open down on Michigan Street...I remember her getting a breast removed...and I remember the day my father and stepfather told me she died...I went to school...it didn't seem to mean much to me then...no reaction...I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral...and so I went to live with my father...the man whose name I shared...I no longer saw anyone from my mother's side of the family...he was a drug addict...I remember one night, he had me in the car with him, going to pick up some dope no doubt...and the man tried to stab him...he took me home, and him and my uncle left...I remember living in a duplex, just he and I...funny thing, two doors down lived the current mayor...they still live there...but where we lived, oh, it seemed worlds away...I don't know what my father did...but when he wasn't home I was not allowed to leave the house...that ended up being most of the time...with no cable, all that left me was a radio...and my barbies and paper dolls...and books...you know, a lot of my relatives stay after me about not keeping in contact, or calling, or coming to visit...and I just think to myself...I spent my entire life...alone...in some form or fashion...so it's in my nature to be so closed in...but back to the memories...they are really crowding me right now...we had a willow tree in the back of the house...my father used to soak the switches from that tree in the bath tub at home...I remember one time I had gotten a whoopin...he made me get in the shower directly after...and my brother Fontae, the oldest came by...that's the only time I remember seeing my brothers while I was living with my father...at some point...he took me to Chicago to live...I don't know how old I was, I don't know how long it was...but I remember when we got there we walked for what seemed like forever...and he left me...that man left me there...with people I didn't know...it was a crack house...and there was this woman...she had in the bathroom...and she touched me...and I don't remember the details...but I remember she touched my private parts...and then I remember...one day my uncle...my father's twin came to get me...and I was back in South Bend...but when I got back...I felt so...separate...I didn't feel a PART of my family...there was no love there...none...so...my father was sick too now, about a year after my mother...or two...he was imprisoned...and was sick with leukemia...he died...I lived with my uncle...and my cousin, his daughter...once again, living in a house, where you couldn't go outside, couldn't go around the corner if he wasn't there...and he worked nights, and would be at work when we got out of school...so we were pretty much always at home...rules were...be in your room, or the basement...don't sit on the porch, don't sit in the living room...don't sit in the kitchen...sometimes if we got in trouble he would lock the phone in his room...and when we got whoopins...which felt like it was about just anything...it was a shoe, or a belt, or his hands...and God...we were bitches and hoes and whatever else...I personally never thought we were that bad...we couldn't do anything, so how could we be? But hey...I became so detached...but I could see how it began to affect my cousin...hell, that was her daddy...I can't imagine what it felt like to hear that from your father...I mean...I knew my daddy loved me at least...but anyway...during these times, I was very close to only one person...my uncle Christopher...he was my world...only two years older than me, and he loved me as I loved him...and when I was ten, he got hit my a train...and he died...I cried that whole day...I loved him so...in the mean time...life is what it is...as soon as I was old enough, I started working...had to pay for my own clothes...lived in a house where we weren't allowed to cook really...had freezer dinners, and frozen burritos and whatever else microwaveable...lived pretty poorly...and I still hadn't seen anyone from my mother's side of the family...when my brother Fontae would come by or call, they'd tell them I wasn't there...even though I was...the night of my 8th grade graduation...we saw my brothers afterward by happenstance on the street...they wanted to know why he hadn't called and told them...don't remember that explanation...so anyway, I'm working, going to school...always taunted because my it was so easy to get me upset...temper flares up easily...I know why...other people didn't, so they kept picking with me...anyway, one day, there's a call to the house...I answer, and a woman asks for Jeri...I said, this is she...she says, no, I mean my father, Jerry Austin...I'm like...I'm Jeri Austin...my father's name is Jerry Austin as well, but he died around ten years or so ago...she starts crying...this is my sister...my uncle walks in, I tell him what happened, he gets on the phone, talks to her, and then tells me that he had kids before me...possibly two or three boys and that girl...wow...and that was that...I still don't know them...they are from Chicago...so...I finally have kinda gotten in contact with my brothers, and my oldest brother one day asks me about my money...I'm like, "what money?". Apparently, when your parents die you get money...go figure...well...I never saw it...none was saved, we lived like poor people...so I'm wondering where this at least $500 a month had been going since my mother, then my father died...my uncle also had a job, and it wasn't like he was buying us stuff left and right, so as soon as I was old enough, I left...but before leaving...I discovered my sexuality...and it quickly became a replacement for affection...but there is one experience I will never forget...this guy I knew...and had briefly "talked to" one night pulled up at my friends house, and he was related to a friend of mine, so I had no reason to fear him, but he sent a message that he wanted to talk to me, wo I went outside...it was cold, so he told me to get in the car...I did...and he took off...took me to his house...he was drunk...I was nervous, but didn't do anything...he got me on the bed, and I tried to stop him, but couldn't, and I just let it happen...and I still feel like that was my fault...the one time I felt like someone made me do something I didn't want to do...and I still can't bring myself to say he raped me...I feel like I brought it on myself...so when I hear other girls say that...I know what they mean...but in the mean time, I had discovered my faith in God...thank goodness...but I was looking for a family, a father, a mother, some peace, some joy...I went to school on a scholarship, and couldn't focus on anything...I got caught up with some boy who became my world, I was looking to be loved...I was depressed, coudln't figure out where I was going to stay for the summer because I had no home to go home to...I was put on academic probation...not because I couldn't do the work...but I wasn't going to class...at all really...I screwed up again and got dismissed for the semester, ended up back in South Bend...I began to blindly follow some things, just because I was looking to be guided...I remember at one point I was making $6 an hour, and paying $300 a month in rent...some times things were so hard for me I couldn't see a way out, and it's a wonder I never contemplated suicide, but I NEVER did...never really have...I've been so hard all these years, and now it's closing in on me...so I figure it's time to release...I have a desire to help young people in tough situations...I know this was long, but I hope it has given some people a little big of insight into my life...

The rainbow of emotions...

You know, I know many people who have said to me they wouldn't fool with a long distance relationship....and I say to that person...you haven't met the right one then...I believe that love has the power to transcend that barrier...it IS difficult, and not for everyone, but you can't help who you love...I speak from experience...my S/O and I are 6 hours from each other, and while some may not think that's very far, it's far enough when you're a student with a full time job and other obligations. I have a hard time with it myself, but wouldn't trade it for anything else...to have a man that loves you the way that he loves me is a blessing...to have someone in your corner, to support, encourage, and keep you grounded is something not to be ignored, no matter where they are. Yes, I deal with frustrations at not being able to see him when I want, and believe me, the weekends that I'm supposed to see him seem so far away and end far too soon...but in the long run...yes...in the long run, we'll be ok. And I think that's a little bit of the problem...we look for immediate gratification, and often can't look past now to see later, but I thank God for my desire to look ahead. Reginald and I have been friends for 3 going on 4 years this year...and I never actually saw it really turning into anything, but because of the friendship that we had, it was so natural, easing into a relationship...I've loved him as a person since I met him...so falling for him was easy...and because I can see a future, I don't mind the present being a little trying at times...and it's hard....tonight is one of those nights where I'm having difficulty processing my feelings because I don't like to hear about him going out with his friends all the time, and I can't spend time with him...sounds negative, but it's not...I really don't have an attitude about it, but it comes across that way, when all it really is is me wanting to be able to do that too. But soon enough...soon enough I tell myself. Trust? Well...you have to have it in your heart to trust before you can deal with someone who isn't in the same state as you...you really can't be holding onto anything in your past, and if you are...let it go...quickly...or it won't work because you are already going to have hard times as it is...no need to bring unnecessary issues and arguments...but there's no questioning statement anyone can make to me regarding him that can make me second guess myself because I trust him, and he me...and THAT'S what you have to hold onto...people will make you doubt yourself if you listen to them!!!! But every man is NOT a dog, or a liar...so very, very true I'm learning...but hey...who am I to tell anyone anything...just my thoughts...but I miss him so...

Spiritual Love

You embrace me with your eyes whenever I am near or next to you,
The flutterness of our hearts is the way of how it do.

I hardly can breathe by being so close,
Not being where you at, is what I miss so most.


You've changed my life from the root to the tee,
The glow in my face shines on you, you see.


Love is beyond on the feelings I express,
Describing my love is forever until death.


God is my guide and along you came next,
Spiritual force is what we've shared when we first met.


How deep my love goes there is no end,
It can go on forever and feel like its began.


You've touched me so much throughout my soul,
Nothing else matters because only God knows.


I am your soulmate, your lover, and your friend,
I'll always walk beside you, forever until the end

Written by PostwayGurl

A new place...

So I found myself in an interesting place this morning...I was tired, and the first thing I thought when I woke up was...Hmmm...I don't have to go to church today, I could just sleep in...and that was a scary realization...not because I am no longer a member of a specific church...but because my thoughts were confirmed...at some point during my journey, I transitioned from a fire for God to an obligation to the church...a very dangerous thing for me...I've been very impressionable over the last several years because I was looking for someone to guide me, give me direction...and instead of growing closer to God, and filling the void of family, parents, love...I got very disappointing relationships that weren't healthy for me, and pushed me further from Him. So here I am...trying to find that again...I know the word, I know what he asks of me...I LOVE HIM...I love the Lord...He's been so good...but the excitedness...that excitement over being in His house is gone right now...doesn't make me any less saved...but it will make for an interesting journey because I intend to find it...I love God...can't wait to discover Him anew!!!!!!!

Just from the heart...

I am somewhat shy about these things, my blog has me opening up...here goes. I love you from the bottom of my heart. Since we first met in 2005, we became friends very quickly and we got close even faster. You have always been so sweet to me, and you have always had a kind word. You never made me feel less than wonderful, and you ALWAYS tell me when I am wrong or tripping, without being offensive. You have steadily been a true friend to me, loving everything about me, even the not so good. I was so skeptical about your feelings for me, but you were persistent and more importantly, consistent! Spiritually you have inspired me to be bold, independent and unwavering in my faith. You are such an awesome man, and I truly thank God that we met, Mr. Cunningham.

RACISM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Check out the video at this link...

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshh4oWh3V55Ii20ih0w

You know what? They are killing me, the most anti black, biased, ignorant news station decides that THIS is racist? The daggone President IS black, and as a BLACK person, we can celebrate, they are so stupid. WE HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO WHITE PEOPLE threaten blacks LIVES the entire campaign and after the inauguration, and at no point did Jay or Jeezy say anything racist...THEY DON'T HAVE TO LIKE BUSH, that doesn't make them racist...shut that CRAP up. If you listen to those that didn't want Obama in office their comments have been directed at the ENTIRE BLACK RACE, but do they highlight that? NO, but when someone talks about the old president, they're RACIST? REALLY? If being proud of the fact that our president is black makes me racist, then I'll be that, but I wonder if the white people that don't like Bush are racist also...hmmm...



This really lights a fire under my butt, I am so sick of the complaints and the ignorance....and they highlight the fact that they said nigga, and talk about the examples that they set for kids, and ok, they aren't the best examples, but how much news coverage do the suicidal, murderous lyrics of rock bands get? Anyone listen to those lyrics?!?!? They are grown, and it wasn't meant out of malice...the next time a black man beats the hell out of a white person for saying it, I bet the defense will be "but you say it all the time..." come on now...I'm not excusing us for using it, I say it myself, and DIDN'T say it was right, BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT when someone black says it, we don't mean it with menace, and that's the truth, you can't argue that, you don't have to like it, but it is what it is. And when a white person says it, nine times out of ten, they are trying to evoke some kind of negative feeling, make us feel like crap...THAT'S why it don't fly for a white guy...we've lived under rules that apply to us but not others forever...I'm not saying that I agree with us using the N word, I've thought about it and discussed it with my friends, and the jury's still out with me, but I'm just sick of blacks and the black culture and music being targeted...we're not out here threatening white people...

Let us talk about the current generation...

Remember when you were younger, and whatever your elder was saying to you sounded so wack? But now that I am edging to the other side I like, hear them daggoneold folks thoughts in my head! I find myself shaking my head at what the girls are wearing, at the boys clothes, at seeing them all hugged up! It bothers me! And I am not saying I never hugged up, but it just seems so...different. The teens now seem to lack any sort of innocence! Like,when I was a teen, I liked boys, but that was it. I knew about sex, but I totally feared that path, and knew I would lose my life if I got caught even hugging on some boy, not that I didn't do it, but I had a healthy fear back then. But it seems now that sex is A regular part of interaction with the opposite sex to this generation, and it scares me. Even the adults scare me because none of them seem to see what is wrong! They say you can't stop them from doing what they want. Well what happened to prevention? Most of what I see is preparation, but no one is keeping it real! And then the teens say, well you did it, and my response is THAT is why I can tell you not to. Women need to explain to these girls the mental and emotional changes, it is so much more than a good orgasm, and I used to be naive enough to think that these young boys don't know what they are doing in bed, but I've been told that isn't the case! Is no one thinking of what this means for the future generations? What do you think this generation is going to teach THEIR kids?! There will be consequences to a lack of acting with self control or moral standard, I just pray mine are able to walk a different path.

My apologies...my life...my shortcomings...

Hmmm...my friend Romona inspired this blog...and I most certainly think it is due on my part...over the years, so many people have contributed to my growth as a person and have gotten the brunt of my attitude, temper tantrums, and have put up with my bitterness, insecurity, wavering moods and temperaments, and have stood by my side...and so to my friends, my loved ones...I'm sorry...

I am coming to understand that so many of the negative things I've encountered in my life turned me into some very positive things, but also some very negative ones...I apologize to my friends that I have held to impossible standards and ridiculous expectations...I appreciate you for all the times you listened to me when I felt sorry for myself, when I just felt like I couldn't do this anymore...

See...I hate my situation...I feel so deprived sometimes...and so much like a burden...I've been burned reaching out to the wrong people, and I have lashed out at those closest to me in response...I haven't dealt with how I feel about my parents...I know they're gone, and they've been gone since I was a child...but at the time it didn't mean much...now as an adult it is such a physical pain, I value family so much, but have family who don't...it's so hard to convey my feelings regarding this...every birthday...every Thanksgiving...every Christmas is so hard...I feel so out of place...all I've ever wanted was to have the opportunity to experience the unconditional love of my mother and father...and I can't...I war with feelings of disdain for myself because I think I should be past it all...they're gone, they've been gone...let it go...nothing you can do....but it hurts...I don't know what to do to move past it because I resent my current situation...I resent the fact that noone in my family gave me the option to be a child...noone nurtured me...noone thought of my future...noone cared...and the family I had that did care was shut out...I'm so very lacking in the area of family relationships because I've never had to keep up with them, and now that I can out of habit, hurt and resentment I don't...but I want to...

I apologize again to the ones I love...I'm learning...and I will continue to grow...I WILL release....I will be free...I apologize to the ones who won't be a part of my life because of things that shouldn't have happened...but did...and I won't let you in anymore...I definitely apologize to the people I let walk over me...I allowed you to remain ignorant of the fact that I will let you have it...but it's cool...I think God intended it that way...and I can set aside my flesh long enough to admit it...but BELIEVE I wanted to...and remember that next time it may not be the same, lol...because I'm in transition and I JUST might decide to do what I want...didn't say it was right though...but we all fall, right? LOL...but I am serious...