Hmmm...my friend Romona inspired this blog...and I most certainly think it is due on my part...over the years, so many people have contributed to my growth as a person and have gotten the brunt of my attitude, temper tantrums, and have put up with my bitterness, insecurity, wavering moods and temperaments, and have stood by my side...and so to my friends, my loved ones...I'm sorry...
I am coming to understand that so many of the negative things I've encountered in my life turned me into some very positive things, but also some very negative ones...I apologize to my friends that I have held to impossible standards and ridiculous expectations...I appreciate you for all the times you listened to me when I felt sorry for myself, when I just felt like I couldn't do this anymore...
See...I hate my situation...I feel so deprived sometimes...and so much like a burden...I've been burned reaching out to the wrong people, and I have lashed out at those closest to me in response...I haven't dealt with how I feel about my parents...I know they're gone, and they've been gone since I was a child...but at the time it didn't mean much...now as an adult it is such a physical pain, I value family so much, but have family who don't...it's so hard to convey my feelings regarding this...every birthday...every Thanksgiving...every Christmas is so hard...I feel so out of place...all I've ever wanted was to have the opportunity to experience the unconditional love of my mother and father...and I can't...I war with feelings of disdain for myself because I think I should be past it all...they're gone, they've been gone...let it go...nothing you can do....but it hurts...I don't know what to do to move past it because I resent my current situation...I resent the fact that noone in my family gave me the option to be a child...noone nurtured me...noone thought of my future...noone cared...and the family I had that did care was shut out...I'm so very lacking in the area of family relationships because I've never had to keep up with them, and now that I can out of habit, hurt and resentment I don't...but I want to...
I apologize again to the ones I love...I'm learning...and I will continue to grow...I WILL release....I will be free...I apologize to the ones who won't be a part of my life because of things that shouldn't have happened...but did...and I won't let you in anymore...I definitely apologize to the people I let walk over me...I allowed you to remain ignorant of the fact that I will let you have it...but it's cool...I think God intended it that way...and I can set aside my flesh long enough to admit it...but BELIEVE I wanted to...and remember that next time it may not be the same, lol...because I'm in transition and I JUST might decide to do what I want...didn't say it was right though...but we all fall, right? LOL...but I am serious...
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