In the midst of it all...

I feel somewhat heart broken...I've been dealing with myself, and my emotions all week. I feel like I've been in a battle with my mind, and I'm not sure I want to continue. I wrestle with insecurity, anger, depression, pity, sadness, and just want to feel a balance, a consistent joy. I am frankly quite tired of being an emotional handicap. A lot of people say that they think it's admirable that I've done so well considering what I have gone through in life, but I realize that while I don't have any children, am not on drugs, prostituting or on government assistance...I've paid a much different price. Socially, I am a misfit, finding it easy initially to interact and joke and laugh, but then feeling myself withdraw, and to become melancholy...because while I can genuinely be happy and joking for a moment, in general I don't feel that way. The problem is that I WANT to be happy. I want to be able to get up every morning knowing that the joy of the Lord is my strength and I'm going to make it through this day unscathed no matter what happens. I cannot begin to say how much this is a desire for me. I am simply tired of confronting myself time after time, discovering the things within me that need to change, and the things within me that I wouldn't acknowledge before. I hurt, and most recently, I missed my mother so much that it hurt physically. Just to be able to have an understanding of myself, and to be able to build my own memories of her is all I want. It hurts so much to have to have my only memories of her be second hand. To not be able to remember anything solid, no moment, no hug or kiss...it hurts. I can't remember her face, and I want to get over that. I just have to. I've written of this before, and I don't want to again. I want to be whole and complete. I pray that one day this will all help someone else to know that they can lead their life and not fall into the traps made for them along the way. Mistakes will be made, certainly, but they don't have to be fatal or completely life altering. And if no one else ever does...encourage yourself.