The morning after

Ok...so I typically read over my thoughts when I feel more clear headed. They are such...sad thoughts! And when you're feeling mostly ok, it's hard to re-live the moment or see the evidence of it. Just sharing in an attempt to show what SOME folks days might look like. I can't say everyone or most people deal or experience like I do, but I can imagine the feelings of helplessness and paranoia can be similar. Check on your people. That's all I can say!

Idk

So I'm typing this as an attempt at purging some toxic thoughts. I have been really struggling lately with the typical overwhelming feelings of nothingness in regard to myself. I feel overwhelmed by paranoid thoughts that people will think I'm crazy or already do...I don't want to call/text/facetime any one of my friends because I feel like I'm a downer. I am fully aware of the fact that we cannot compare ourselves or our lives to the ones we see around us, but I honestly wish I might snatch just a tenth of an ounce of the joy and wonder I've seen in those I love! They would say I don't know what they deal with and I'd say TOUCHE! I wish I wasn't heavy, wish I didn't overthink. Wish I didn't need certain things or people...but here we are. You know...I always used to say people don't get me...but I'm to a point now where I don't get me. I am honestly daily pushing myself further and getting outside of my comfort zone and pushing myself to be more open, more whatthefuckever people tell me I need to be to be happy. It ain't working for me on a consistent basis. I need some relief. I just need me to be better. Honestly I'm tired of dealing with the emotional tug of war. Tired of feeling like nobody gets it. Tired of crying by myself. Tired of feeling paranoid. Tired of feeling like each hard day is a reset. A countdown to the next time I feel down. Scared no one will be able to handle this on a romantic level. Sincerely afraid that I'll be typing similarly in another year. I am struggling, mostly silently. I call my girls sometimes and share with them that I'm having a moment, and it's so embarrassing to me to have to feel that way, and feel the need to share it. It's embarrassing when you feel your friend doesn't exactly know what to say, how to be there for you. It SUCKS to know that maybe those things are all in your head, and your friend really doesn't mind you calling, but you won't call anyway cuz there's still the chance they aren't really ready or don't really mean it OR just feeling like folks have enough to deal with on their own. There are so many things I feel I'm not worthy of, and I don't see myself having the things I desire. They say how you think is how you live, so how do I reverse that? Like...I don't want to end up dead because I didn't properly handle my own issues! That's not me saying I want to kill myself, but moreso understanding that I have these moments of just exhaustion, and I know that it can go from being tired to being tired and wishing you could fall asleep and never wake up, to daydreaming of driving your car off the road while on the highway...to all types of things. That's not dramatic, those are literal thoughts I've had over the years...things I could never IMAGINE doing, but when I'm feeling super low, honestly my thoughts go to "I'm tired...etc." Seriously...I'm 32...will be 33 in a few weeks...but I swear to y'all all I see of me is the child that was not worthy enough to be cared for and I carry that with me as a woman. Not always like this, all emotional and whatnot, but in my apprehension and fear of getting involved, in my fear of building friendships with folks...my total lack of interest in social events outside of networking, my struggle to be productive from day to day. Add to it my lack of serious suitors or relationship experience...and you've got a real shit storm of self pity! I think about all the people who think these mental struggles don't exist...and then I wonder why do I even care about that? It's because I don't know what to think of my own damn issues. I'm not lazy, I'm just beat down mentally. Unfortunately I'm not sure how to rescue me and I'm all I've got. I'm tired of fighting everything. Tired tired tired. I am sincerely not a jealous person. I believe that what is coming to you is coming to you, it's yours. I just wonder if my lot is cast to have me watch others enjoy life while I suffer through, feeling like I have no control. So many people say you are in control of your life, and that you have to choose, but honestly, I haven't ever really felt in control. I've looked for approval my whole life. Someone who sees me as good, and valuable, because I'm not sold based on history.