NEVER, not ever have I woken up feeling the way that I felt this morning...last night I was talking to my boyfriend about this issue that I've had for years, that I never quite knew how to pray about, and felt like I could never quite get rid of...this is quite personal, but what is the purpose of me experiencing it if I can't share it and possibly encourage someone else in this same area? I've NEVER been a self proclaimed "HOLY ROLLER", but I am wholly devoted to the Lord, with everything that's within me. On to my experience...
I've always been...physical...sexual...and never fully understood it. I have always been told that my movements, comments have always been flirty, sexual...different. And I've always drawn men to me, in a physical way...since I was a teen...and I never understood it, I always felt bad, because it would be...married men, men I didn't know, men in relationships...and they would just kind of approach me, and make me kinda...step back, and look at myself...I would always wonder what on earth it was in me, that drew these people to me...because I didn't want it. At all. Eventually, these things took hold of me internally, and I was drawn to different things...and I understand a normal, healthy sex drive, God intended for sex to be a beautiful, natural thing, and I believe it is...but that's not what I had inside me at all...if you have never been controlled by something, you may not quite understand...but for me, physically...once I had that craving...I needed it to be gone...NEEDED it to go away...that thirst had to be quenched, or it would darn near consume my thoughts...and as someone who is often alone, that's not any easy thing to combat...so I pretty much began to do what I needed to do in order to get the monkey off my back...I never knew how to get rid of it...I prayed, half heartedly, because I didn't understand what it was...I never fully acknowledged what it was...but last night, I said I was talking to my boyfriend about it...and it was the first time I had articulated what it was that was working in me...and I went to sleep late...woke up this afternoon with this feeling, it was incredible, because I FELT like God was tearing that out of me...that uncontrollable drive, urge for the sexual...and I'm even overwhelmed right now...I just don't know how to describe...I woke with my stomach hurting, and this feeling...just this feeling...the first thing that came to me was that it was leaving me...I am...so unashamed...I feel...so great...it's still going to be a journey of course...because if anyone knows that scripture...let me go find it right quick, so I can break it down...Matthew 12:43-45
43When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none.
44Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished.
45Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first.
I have no intention of allowing what I had in me to come back, stronger than before...YPJ preached a sermon on this, and I'm so glad that I have that knowledge to draw on right now...when you're cleansed of something, you HAVE to fill that space with something else...that something else being prayer, the word, and whatever else you need to fill the void of an unnatural emptiness...this is the most personal blog I've ever written, because these aren't things that are evident to everyone that knows me, and so often people who don't believe look at you like you're crazy, and still others will judge...but that's fine...if someone feels me...thanks...if not...hey...
BUT, if you've ever had an experience like what I had...not being able to control something within you...seek to have it ripped out of you...acknowledge it, don't ignore it...you don't have to tell everyone, you don't have to feel ashamed of it...but I'm telling you...you'll be much better for it...
Thanks for reading, hope it helps someone...it helped me to write it...and I'm open to alllll manner of questions...
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