Saturday, February 28, 2009
Sometimes....
Sometimes the most sound decisions are the hard ones...with so many changes in my life, I'm JUST now at twenty four feeling like my life has begun...and with the new feeling came a desire to GET GOING. I have been blessed not to be affected by the state of things in the country, and I count my blessings very carefully...I've opened my heart to life, and love, and have been rewarded thus far. There are of course things that I need to continuously improve upon, but that's life right? So...Reginald and I had to make the decision for me NOT to move to St. Louis in May/June...solely for economical reasons...and that quite possibly was one of my hardest realizations...that it probably would be best to wait. I'm frustrated, he's frustrated, but nonetheless, we know what we need to do...we love each other, so it makes it a little easier...and recently I kind of had an odd experience, because Reginald is having his first encounter with potential life threatening situations within his family...and I've practically lived my entire life with mom, dad, this aunt, my grandpa, uncles dying all around me, and I've kind of not learned how to be sensitive to others, because this is not a normal thing, but when you've seen it so much...you know? But I have tried to be there as best I can, to comfort and to encourage, and I hate to see him endure unfamiliar, frightening territory...if I could I truly would take this burden for him. But life is great, grand, beautiful and allat....finally feeling like I know what to do...like shackles have been taken off my mind...it's all love right now...beautiful.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
So...
Some days are harder than others...admittedly...I think that the weight of the decisions that I'm going to make over the next few months is so wearing on me...I can't do more than pray, and continue to do what I'm supposed to do to keep going...so many things in my life are new...so many things that are old keep popping up...I'm trying to balance school, work, singing, a relationship...and I wouldn't have it any other way, but it's hard...school? Well that's something I regretted not continuing since I dropped totally out in 2003...I have so many things I want to do, and it just seems silly not to continue...work? I try to be grateful for a job, but it's so hard having to deal with politics and trying to please people at work, being one of just a few minorities, dealing with the jokes, the comments, the customers, knowing it's not what I want to do...blah...singing? You know, I used to be so free singing...it wasn't even that I thought I was that great...I just didn't have any reason to think I couldn't sing...I did it all the time...and I love it to this day...and I will continue to do it...my confidence is slowly but surely coming back...and...the relationship...actually...of all these things...this one has been the thing that has really helped me lately...a wonderful partner, there to encourage me when I'm ready to give up...I just want us to remain in God's will...
Oh...my heart, my mind...
Oh...my heart, my mind...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Forgive me not...
Matthew 18:21-22 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
WAIT!!! SOME of you may have just got turned off because you think the bible is a bunch of whatever, and so forth...so I got a couple quotes for ya'll too.
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Ghandi
“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” Sarah Paddison
So there, you can stay...
I have been a slave to unforgiveness for a very long time...and not because I WANTED to not forgive...but because the pain that I felt from the things that were "done to me" was so deep, so very, very deep, and I felt like I needed to see some sort of repercussions...something, anything that let me know they paid or were paying for being so careless with my feelings...guess what? They kept going with their lives...and I was waiting for a sincere apology, an explanation, a sign of change...wrong thing to do.
Unforgiveness...the single most deadly poison in the world today...it keeps you bound to a person, it stops you from thinking clearly, it hinders relationships, friendships, it makes people not want to be around you...
You see them, with their friends, who are sometimes also your friends, and you want them to not like them either, you want them to be isolated, cast out for their treachery, ignorance, lies, and all the hurt they caused you...and that causes further pain, because you don't understand why no one sees your side, right? Sucks to be you, because no one else is punishing them for what you did...we always need to SEE some sort of punishment when someone has "done us wrong"...well for those who are Christians...we know we may not always see it, but God said that vengeance is His...and then too, we know that God had every right to show them the grace and mercy He showed us when we slept with his/her girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife, when we lied, cheated...hmmm? Those are the things we forget...we always want someone to forgive us, but we have a hard time forgiving...remembering what we have done...and showing others mercy...
Yeah, we know, you don't let anyone get away with playing you...no one hurts your pride, no one embarrasses you...ok...that mentality will have you in an early grave. The funny thing is, the bible TELLS us, that if you can't swallow ya little bit of pride and forgive, God will NOT forgive you, and you know what that leads to.
There are just so many things that have happened to and around me lately...and it's all made my eyes open up.
Look at how unforgiveness has ravaged your neighborhoods, families, churches...because parents can't forgive, they can't teach their kids to, and because their kids don't learn forgiveness, they shoot someone else's child, and kill them, and that creates a cycle...
Because the church can't forgive, that person who once loved the Lord has been driven back to their old habits, and is now poisoning everyone they meet with words of hatred, bitterness and anger toward a CHURCH...because the church won't forgive, God can't trust them with his precious children...the ones who are so hungry for something, yet we can't feed them because we don't know how to treat each other...the ones at home, the ones we see every day...a lot of us have a lot of encouragement for those we don't know...try that with your friends, family...the ones in your immediate circle...
I'm just saying...there are people who DON'T HAVE A HOME, who don't have jobs, who don't have money, who can't feed, clothe their kids. People who can't afford for their child to get sick, who don't have cars, and have to travel in this ridiculous weather on foot every day, people who have no hope, people who can't worry about what someone did to them because they need to figure out where they are going to sleep, eat, lay, work every day...yet you clearly have enough food, money, leisure time to sit and let negative feelings for someone fester and boil, and turn us into ugly, uncaring, unpleasant, bitter, hateful people, when we can be helping those less fortunate...that's what it's all about right? Let's grow up.
We've all been hurt, and we can't change what someone's done...but we CAN change how much control that hurt will have over our lives.
Jesus said to turn the other cheek
He also said to forgive 7 times 70
Easy for Him to say
He was God
Or at least the son of God
How do I get to the place
Where I forgive those
Who disrespect me and malign me
Those who could care less about my feelings
Yet I still care about theirs
Why is forgiveness so hard
Why does it take so much out of you
Why is it easier to hold on to a grudge
Rather than to let it go
Am I doing something wrong
If it is true that we are to love others
As we love ourselves
And we stay mad at ourselves
For our misdeeds and misdoing
Is it realistic to easily forgive someone
If you extend the olive branch
Of friendship and kindness and forgiveness
And it is not returned
Should you really keep trying
Even if you feel it is a lost cause
Or will persistence win the day
With the honesty and sincerity of words
Be recognized and acknowledged
Followed by a reasonable attempt
To let bygones be bygones
Is this one of the famous battles
Between head and heart
With both having opposing views
But the same hold on your psyche
Neither winning, neither losing
Sometimes I wonder
If our lack of ability to forgive
Is truly more rooted in our
Bruised ego and hurt feelings
Perhaps the pain we feel is comforting
If I were to release my anger and my pain
Only to be knocked again
Who becomes the bigger fool
Me for trying
Or them for doing
I wish that such matters were as easy
As a game of tic-tac-toe
Or perhaps it is
Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose
Neither happens if you don’t take a chance
So I resolve to forgive
To be the bigger and better person
Give of myself as I would want others
To give to me
And perhaps this time everyone will win.
WAIT!!! SOME of you may have just got turned off because you think the bible is a bunch of whatever, and so forth...so I got a couple quotes for ya'll too.
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Ghandi
“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” Sarah Paddison
So there, you can stay...
I have been a slave to unforgiveness for a very long time...and not because I WANTED to not forgive...but because the pain that I felt from the things that were "done to me" was so deep, so very, very deep, and I felt like I needed to see some sort of repercussions...something, anything that let me know they paid or were paying for being so careless with my feelings...guess what? They kept going with their lives...and I was waiting for a sincere apology, an explanation, a sign of change...wrong thing to do.
Unforgiveness...the single most deadly poison in the world today...it keeps you bound to a person, it stops you from thinking clearly, it hinders relationships, friendships, it makes people not want to be around you...
You see them, with their friends, who are sometimes also your friends, and you want them to not like them either, you want them to be isolated, cast out for their treachery, ignorance, lies, and all the hurt they caused you...and that causes further pain, because you don't understand why no one sees your side, right? Sucks to be you, because no one else is punishing them for what you did...we always need to SEE some sort of punishment when someone has "done us wrong"...well for those who are Christians...we know we may not always see it, but God said that vengeance is His...and then too, we know that God had every right to show them the grace and mercy He showed us when we slept with his/her girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife, when we lied, cheated...hmmm? Those are the things we forget...we always want someone to forgive us, but we have a hard time forgiving...remembering what we have done...and showing others mercy...
Yeah, we know, you don't let anyone get away with playing you...no one hurts your pride, no one embarrasses you...ok...that mentality will have you in an early grave. The funny thing is, the bible TELLS us, that if you can't swallow ya little bit of pride and forgive, God will NOT forgive you, and you know what that leads to.
There are just so many things that have happened to and around me lately...and it's all made my eyes open up.
Look at how unforgiveness has ravaged your neighborhoods, families, churches...because parents can't forgive, they can't teach their kids to, and because their kids don't learn forgiveness, they shoot someone else's child, and kill them, and that creates a cycle...
Because the church can't forgive, that person who once loved the Lord has been driven back to their old habits, and is now poisoning everyone they meet with words of hatred, bitterness and anger toward a CHURCH...because the church won't forgive, God can't trust them with his precious children...the ones who are so hungry for something, yet we can't feed them because we don't know how to treat each other...the ones at home, the ones we see every day...a lot of us have a lot of encouragement for those we don't know...try that with your friends, family...the ones in your immediate circle...
I'm just saying...there are people who DON'T HAVE A HOME, who don't have jobs, who don't have money, who can't feed, clothe their kids. People who can't afford for their child to get sick, who don't have cars, and have to travel in this ridiculous weather on foot every day, people who have no hope, people who can't worry about what someone did to them because they need to figure out where they are going to sleep, eat, lay, work every day...yet you clearly have enough food, money, leisure time to sit and let negative feelings for someone fester and boil, and turn us into ugly, uncaring, unpleasant, bitter, hateful people, when we can be helping those less fortunate...that's what it's all about right? Let's grow up.
We've all been hurt, and we can't change what someone's done...but we CAN change how much control that hurt will have over our lives.
Jesus said to turn the other cheek
He also said to forgive 7 times 70
Easy for Him to say
He was God
Or at least the son of God
How do I get to the place
Where I forgive those
Who disrespect me and malign me
Those who could care less about my feelings
Yet I still care about theirs
Why is forgiveness so hard
Why does it take so much out of you
Why is it easier to hold on to a grudge
Rather than to let it go
Am I doing something wrong
If it is true that we are to love others
As we love ourselves
And we stay mad at ourselves
For our misdeeds and misdoing
Is it realistic to easily forgive someone
If you extend the olive branch
Of friendship and kindness and forgiveness
And it is not returned
Should you really keep trying
Even if you feel it is a lost cause
Or will persistence win the day
With the honesty and sincerity of words
Be recognized and acknowledged
Followed by a reasonable attempt
To let bygones be bygones
Is this one of the famous battles
Between head and heart
With both having opposing views
But the same hold on your psyche
Neither winning, neither losing
Sometimes I wonder
If our lack of ability to forgive
Is truly more rooted in our
Bruised ego and hurt feelings
Perhaps the pain we feel is comforting
If I were to release my anger and my pain
Only to be knocked again
Who becomes the bigger fool
Me for trying
Or them for doing
I wish that such matters were as easy
As a game of tic-tac-toe
Or perhaps it is
Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose
Neither happens if you don’t take a chance
So I resolve to forgive
To be the bigger and better person
Give of myself as I would want others
To give to me
And perhaps this time everyone will win.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
There's a new...
thought in my head, a new motto, mission, vision, whatever you want to call it...two things...I'll address the first...
STOP putting your past off on others...you know how people say you are to learn from your mistakes? How do you know unless you make them? If you didn't do something everytime someone told you not to, just because they said not to...your life is over. Women...JUST because your man all of a sudden started working late, and you eventually found out that he was cheating, doesn't mean mine is. Mine could be working late because he's trying to buy my wedding ring...no why? Because every man isn't the same...STOP SPREADING YOUR STORIES OF WOE...no one outside of your friends care...and most times they're tired of hearing it...but because they're your friends...they listen. Mine put up with me, but I didn't put it off on strangers...it's very aggravating to have to endure. STOP.
K...Secondly...I have been through this, so I can comment...Loneliness...low self esteem...it's so hard to come out of...feeling sorry for yourself...but guess what...no one else is going to come and pick you up, and wipe your knees...you have to do it yourself...you want a man? Get busy with yourself!!! Why do you think you need to wait until someone TAKES you to do the things you like to do? That's why you're lonely in the first place, because you lack the security to do anything on your own. I did too, and when I finally realized how much fun just living was, and not searching for a man was...I found a freedom unlike any other...you don't have to believe what I am saying...try it. Make sure you look good wherever you go, go to the zoo, go see a play, go to the movies...enjoy yourself...it's so very great to be able to rely on yourself. Of course sometimes you'll still be lonely, that's natural...but you won't wallow in depression. Ladies...men don't like simpy, wimpy, weepy women, some might...but for the most part, if you're all caught up in feeling sorry for yourself, your outward appearance reflects it, and if you're free of that...people will notice...
STOP putting your past off on others...you know how people say you are to learn from your mistakes? How do you know unless you make them? If you didn't do something everytime someone told you not to, just because they said not to...your life is over. Women...JUST because your man all of a sudden started working late, and you eventually found out that he was cheating, doesn't mean mine is. Mine could be working late because he's trying to buy my wedding ring...no why? Because every man isn't the same...STOP SPREADING YOUR STORIES OF WOE...no one outside of your friends care...and most times they're tired of hearing it...but because they're your friends...they listen. Mine put up with me, but I didn't put it off on strangers...it's very aggravating to have to endure. STOP.
K...Secondly...I have been through this, so I can comment...Loneliness...low self esteem...it's so hard to come out of...feeling sorry for yourself...but guess what...no one else is going to come and pick you up, and wipe your knees...you have to do it yourself...you want a man? Get busy with yourself!!! Why do you think you need to wait until someone TAKES you to do the things you like to do? That's why you're lonely in the first place, because you lack the security to do anything on your own. I did too, and when I finally realized how much fun just living was, and not searching for a man was...I found a freedom unlike any other...you don't have to believe what I am saying...try it. Make sure you look good wherever you go, go to the zoo, go see a play, go to the movies...enjoy yourself...it's so very great to be able to rely on yourself. Of course sometimes you'll still be lonely, that's natural...but you won't wallow in depression. Ladies...men don't like simpy, wimpy, weepy women, some might...but for the most part, if you're all caught up in feeling sorry for yourself, your outward appearance reflects it, and if you're free of that...people will notice...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
It is not an illusion...
A sweet love, complete.
So fierce and consuming, everything else pales in comparison.
You woke my heart, from a deadly sleep, your smile, your kiss, your embrace from the very first time.
Unexpected, this love...untraditional, if you will.
A thing I scoffed at, online encounters...being a "saint", waiting for God to send my man to find me...well He did...online at that...guess you need to go re-write your traditions, huh?
No doubt in my mind he is for me...from his mother he must leave, to me he will cleve...one day.
Feeling love is such a very complicated thing...it cannot work on it's own...learning every day, patience, communication walk with it hand in hand.
Compromise...compromise is the word of the day...learn it's not the same as settling...
Oh but a love...a love like this you know is the love you want for life...
To feel another's pain as your own, to take on their passions as they take on yours...nothing like...Reginald's love.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
This is why I can't watch movies...
I teared up watching The Family that Preys...there was a homeless man named Nick, that would come into the diner and Alfre Woodard would feed, clothe and bathe this man...and it hit my heart so hard...I have such a desire to help those truly in need...you never know what someone has gone through to be in those situations...and so often we are so content to accumulate our own wealth, or hoarde what we have...but God says you shall get what you give, good measured, pressed down and shaken together...I don't have much, but such as I have I offer to those who need it...I remember eating biscuits and syrup for dinner as a child because we didn't have anything else...I recall my father taking me door to door asking for money...the more I can help not to have that memory...the better...it's just so hard to watch others suffer...so many have such a lack of compassion...I know that not every homeless or poor person DESERVES any kind of help....but if you honestly thought about all the chances you've gotten to get it right...how many of those did YOU deserve? If God gave us just what we deserved...most of us would be dead or crazy...*sigh* I know that's all heavy...but my goodness...so many things in movies remind me of things I've encountered in my life...I've thought of writing a book...not sure who would want to buy it...but hey...hmmmmmmm...I feel so heavy with it all...I think I'll begin...at the beginning...a lot of this some of you have heard...but it's on my mind...in my heart...so again...these are my memories...such as they are today...
As a little girl I lived with my mother...happy enough, spoiled...none of my brothers lived with us, so you could say I was an only child...anyway...my mother apparently got sick...I recall going wig shopping...that wig shop is still open down on Michigan Street...I remember her getting a breast removed...and I remember the day my father and stepfather told me she died...I went to school...it didn't seem to mean much to me then...no reaction...I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral...and so I went to live with my father...the man whose name I shared...I no longer saw anyone from my mother's side of the family...he was a drug addict...I remember one night, he had me in the car with him, going to pick up some dope no doubt...and the man tried to stab him...he took me home, and him and my uncle left...I remember living in a duplex, just he and I...funny thing, two doors down lived the current mayor...they still live there...but where we lived, oh, it seemed worlds away...I don't know what my father did...but when he wasn't home I was not allowed to leave the house...that ended up being most of the time...with no cable, all that left me was a radio...and my barbies and paper dolls...and books...you know, a lot of my relatives stay after me about not keeping in contact, or calling, or coming to visit...and I just think to myself...I spent my entire life...alone...in some form or fashion...so it's in my nature to be so closed in...but back to the memories...they are really crowding me right now...we had a willow tree in the back of the house...my father used to soak the switches from that tree in the bath tub at home...I remember one time I had gotten a whoopin...he made me get in the shower directly after...and my brother Fontae, the oldest came by...that's the only time I remember seeing my brothers while I was living with my father...at some point...he took me to Chicago to live...I don't know how old I was, I don't know how long it was...but I remember when we got there we walked for what seemed like forever...and he left me...that man left me there...with people I didn't know...it was a crack house...and there was this woman...she had in the bathroom...and she touched me...and I don't remember the details...but I remember she touched my private parts...and then I remember...one day my uncle...my father's twin came to get me...and I was back in South Bend...but when I got back...I felt so...separate...I didn't feel a PART of my family...there was no love there...none...so...my father was sick too now, about a year after my mother...or two...he was imprisoned...and was sick with leukemia...he died...I lived with my uncle...and my cousin, his daughter...once again, living in a house, where you couldn't go outside, couldn't go around the corner if he wasn't there...and he worked nights, and would be at work when we got out of school...so we were pretty much always at home...rules were...be in your room, or the basement...don't sit on the porch, don't sit in the living room...don't sit in the kitchen...sometimes if we got in trouble he would lock the phone in his room...and when we got whoopins...which felt like it was about just anything...it was a shoe, or a belt, or his hands...and God...we were bitches and hoes and whatever else...I personally never thought we were that bad...we couldn't do anything, so how could we be? But hey...I became so detached...but I could see how it began to affect my cousin...hell, that was her daddy...I can't imagine what it felt like to hear that from your father...I mean...I knew my daddy loved me at least...but anyway...during these times, I was very close to only one person...my uncle Christopher...he was my world...only two years older than me, and he loved me as I loved him...and when I was ten, he got hit my a train...and he died...I cried that whole day...I loved him so...in the mean time...life is what it is...as soon as I was old enough, I started working...had to pay for my own clothes...lived in a house where we weren't allowed to cook really...had freezer dinners, and frozen burritos and whatever else microwaveable...lived pretty poorly...and I still hadn't seen anyone from my mother's side of the family...when my brother Fontae would come by or call, they'd tell them I wasn't there...even though I was...the night of my 8th grade graduation...we saw my brothers afterward by happenstance on the street...they wanted to know why he hadn't called and told them...don't remember that explanation...so anyway, I'm working, going to school...always taunted because my it was so easy to get me upset...temper flares up easily...I know why...other people didn't, so they kept picking with me...anyway, one day, there's a call to the house...I answer, and a woman asks for Jeri...I said, this is she...she says, no, I mean my father, Jerry Austin...I'm like...I'm Jeri Austin...my father's name is Jerry Austin as well, but he died around ten years or so ago...she starts crying...this is my sister...my uncle walks in, I tell him what happened, he gets on the phone, talks to her, and then tells me that he had kids before me...possibly two or three boys and that girl...wow...and that was that...I still don't know them...they are from Chicago...so...I finally have kinda gotten in contact with my brothers, and my oldest brother one day asks me about my money...I'm like, "what money?". Apparently, when your parents die you get money...go figure...well...I never saw it...none was saved, we lived like poor people...so I'm wondering where this at least $500 a month had been going since my mother, then my father died...my uncle also had a job, and it wasn't like he was buying us stuff left and right, so as soon as I was old enough, I left...but before leaving...I discovered my sexuality...and it quickly became a replacement for affection...but there is one experience I will never forget...this guy I knew...and had briefly "talked to" one night pulled up at my friends house, and he was related to a friend of mine, so I had no reason to fear him, but he sent a message that he wanted to talk to me, wo I went outside...it was cold, so he told me to get in the car...I did...and he took off...took me to his house...he was drunk...I was nervous, but didn't do anything...he got me on the bed, and I tried to stop him, but couldn't, and I just let it happen...and I still feel like that was my fault...the one time I felt like someone made me do something I didn't want to do...and I still can't bring myself to say he raped me...I feel like I brought it on myself...so when I hear other girls say that...I know what they mean...but in the mean time, I had discovered my faith in God...thank goodness...but I was looking for a family, a father, a mother, some peace, some joy...I went to school on a scholarship, and couldn't focus on anything...I got caught up with some boy who became my world, I was looking to be loved...I was depressed, coudln't figure out where I was going to stay for the summer because I had no home to go home to...I was put on academic probation...not because I couldn't do the work...but I wasn't going to class...at all really...I screwed up again and got dismissed for the semester, ended up back in South Bend...I began to blindly follow some things, just because I was looking to be guided...I remember at one point I was making $6 an hour, and paying $300 a month in rent...some times things were so hard for me I couldn't see a way out, and it's a wonder I never contemplated suicide, but I NEVER did...never really have...I've been so hard all these years, and now it's closing in on me...so I figure it's time to release...I have a desire to help young people in tough situations...I know this was long, but I hope it has given some people a little big of insight into my life...
As a little girl I lived with my mother...happy enough, spoiled...none of my brothers lived with us, so you could say I was an only child...anyway...my mother apparently got sick...I recall going wig shopping...that wig shop is still open down on Michigan Street...I remember her getting a breast removed...and I remember the day my father and stepfather told me she died...I went to school...it didn't seem to mean much to me then...no reaction...I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral...and so I went to live with my father...the man whose name I shared...I no longer saw anyone from my mother's side of the family...he was a drug addict...I remember one night, he had me in the car with him, going to pick up some dope no doubt...and the man tried to stab him...he took me home, and him and my uncle left...I remember living in a duplex, just he and I...funny thing, two doors down lived the current mayor...they still live there...but where we lived, oh, it seemed worlds away...I don't know what my father did...but when he wasn't home I was not allowed to leave the house...that ended up being most of the time...with no cable, all that left me was a radio...and my barbies and paper dolls...and books...you know, a lot of my relatives stay after me about not keeping in contact, or calling, or coming to visit...and I just think to myself...I spent my entire life...alone...in some form or fashion...so it's in my nature to be so closed in...but back to the memories...they are really crowding me right now...we had a willow tree in the back of the house...my father used to soak the switches from that tree in the bath tub at home...I remember one time I had gotten a whoopin...he made me get in the shower directly after...and my brother Fontae, the oldest came by...that's the only time I remember seeing my brothers while I was living with my father...at some point...he took me to Chicago to live...I don't know how old I was, I don't know how long it was...but I remember when we got there we walked for what seemed like forever...and he left me...that man left me there...with people I didn't know...it was a crack house...and there was this woman...she had in the bathroom...and she touched me...and I don't remember the details...but I remember she touched my private parts...and then I remember...one day my uncle...my father's twin came to get me...and I was back in South Bend...but when I got back...I felt so...separate...I didn't feel a PART of my family...there was no love there...none...so...my father was sick too now, about a year after my mother...or two...he was imprisoned...and was sick with leukemia...he died...I lived with my uncle...and my cousin, his daughter...once again, living in a house, where you couldn't go outside, couldn't go around the corner if he wasn't there...and he worked nights, and would be at work when we got out of school...so we were pretty much always at home...rules were...be in your room, or the basement...don't sit on the porch, don't sit in the living room...don't sit in the kitchen...sometimes if we got in trouble he would lock the phone in his room...and when we got whoopins...which felt like it was about just anything...it was a shoe, or a belt, or his hands...and God...we were bitches and hoes and whatever else...I personally never thought we were that bad...we couldn't do anything, so how could we be? But hey...I became so detached...but I could see how it began to affect my cousin...hell, that was her daddy...I can't imagine what it felt like to hear that from your father...I mean...I knew my daddy loved me at least...but anyway...during these times, I was very close to only one person...my uncle Christopher...he was my world...only two years older than me, and he loved me as I loved him...and when I was ten, he got hit my a train...and he died...I cried that whole day...I loved him so...in the mean time...life is what it is...as soon as I was old enough, I started working...had to pay for my own clothes...lived in a house where we weren't allowed to cook really...had freezer dinners, and frozen burritos and whatever else microwaveable...lived pretty poorly...and I still hadn't seen anyone from my mother's side of the family...when my brother Fontae would come by or call, they'd tell them I wasn't there...even though I was...the night of my 8th grade graduation...we saw my brothers afterward by happenstance on the street...they wanted to know why he hadn't called and told them...don't remember that explanation...so anyway, I'm working, going to school...always taunted because my it was so easy to get me upset...temper flares up easily...I know why...other people didn't, so they kept picking with me...anyway, one day, there's a call to the house...I answer, and a woman asks for Jeri...I said, this is she...she says, no, I mean my father, Jerry Austin...I'm like...I'm Jeri Austin...my father's name is Jerry Austin as well, but he died around ten years or so ago...she starts crying...this is my sister...my uncle walks in, I tell him what happened, he gets on the phone, talks to her, and then tells me that he had kids before me...possibly two or three boys and that girl...wow...and that was that...I still don't know them...they are from Chicago...so...I finally have kinda gotten in contact with my brothers, and my oldest brother one day asks me about my money...I'm like, "what money?". Apparently, when your parents die you get money...go figure...well...I never saw it...none was saved, we lived like poor people...so I'm wondering where this at least $500 a month had been going since my mother, then my father died...my uncle also had a job, and it wasn't like he was buying us stuff left and right, so as soon as I was old enough, I left...but before leaving...I discovered my sexuality...and it quickly became a replacement for affection...but there is one experience I will never forget...this guy I knew...and had briefly "talked to" one night pulled up at my friends house, and he was related to a friend of mine, so I had no reason to fear him, but he sent a message that he wanted to talk to me, wo I went outside...it was cold, so he told me to get in the car...I did...and he took off...took me to his house...he was drunk...I was nervous, but didn't do anything...he got me on the bed, and I tried to stop him, but couldn't, and I just let it happen...and I still feel like that was my fault...the one time I felt like someone made me do something I didn't want to do...and I still can't bring myself to say he raped me...I feel like I brought it on myself...so when I hear other girls say that...I know what they mean...but in the mean time, I had discovered my faith in God...thank goodness...but I was looking for a family, a father, a mother, some peace, some joy...I went to school on a scholarship, and couldn't focus on anything...I got caught up with some boy who became my world, I was looking to be loved...I was depressed, coudln't figure out where I was going to stay for the summer because I had no home to go home to...I was put on academic probation...not because I couldn't do the work...but I wasn't going to class...at all really...I screwed up again and got dismissed for the semester, ended up back in South Bend...I began to blindly follow some things, just because I was looking to be guided...I remember at one point I was making $6 an hour, and paying $300 a month in rent...some times things were so hard for me I couldn't see a way out, and it's a wonder I never contemplated suicide, but I NEVER did...never really have...I've been so hard all these years, and now it's closing in on me...so I figure it's time to release...I have a desire to help young people in tough situations...I know this was long, but I hope it has given some people a little big of insight into my life...
Saturday, February 7, 2009
The rainbow of emotions...
You know, I know many people who have said to me they wouldn't fool with a long distance relationship....and I say to that person...you haven't met the right one then...I believe that love has the power to transcend that barrier...it IS difficult, and not for everyone, but you can't help who you love...I speak from experience...my S/O and I are 6 hours from each other, and while some may not think that's very far, it's far enough when you're a student with a full time job and other obligations. I have a hard time with it myself, but wouldn't trade it for anything else...to have a man that loves you the way that he loves me is a blessing...to have someone in your corner, to support, encourage, and keep you grounded is something not to be ignored, no matter where they are. Yes, I deal with frustrations at not being able to see him when I want, and believe me, the weekends that I'm supposed to see him seem so far away and end far too soon...but in the long run...yes...in the long run, we'll be ok. And I think that's a little bit of the problem...we look for immediate gratification, and often can't look past now to see later, but I thank God for my desire to look ahead. Reginald and I have been friends for 3 going on 4 years this year...and I never actually saw it really turning into anything, but because of the friendship that we had, it was so natural, easing into a relationship...I've loved him as a person since I met him...so falling for him was easy...and because I can see a future, I don't mind the present being a little trying at times...and it's hard....tonight is one of those nights where I'm having difficulty processing my feelings because I don't like to hear about him going out with his friends all the time, and I can't spend time with him...sounds negative, but it's not...I really don't have an attitude about it, but it comes across that way, when all it really is is me wanting to be able to do that too. But soon enough...soon enough I tell myself. Trust? Well...you have to have it in your heart to trust before you can deal with someone who isn't in the same state as you...you really can't be holding onto anything in your past, and if you are...let it go...quickly...or it won't work because you are already going to have hard times as it is...no need to bring unnecessary issues and arguments...but there's no questioning statement anyone can make to me regarding him that can make me second guess myself because I trust him, and he me...and THAT'S what you have to hold onto...people will make you doubt yourself if you listen to them!!!! But every man is NOT a dog, or a liar...so very, very true I'm learning...but hey...who am I to tell anyone anything...just my thoughts...but I miss him so...
Spiritual Love
You embrace me with your eyes whenever I am near or next to you,
The flutterness of our hearts is the way of how it do.
I hardly can breathe by being so close,
Not being where you at, is what I miss so most.
You've changed my life from the root to the tee,
The glow in my face shines on you, you see.
Love is beyond on the feelings I express,
Describing my love is forever until death.
God is my guide and along you came next,
Spiritual force is what we've shared when we first met.
How deep my love goes there is no end,
It can go on forever and feel like its began.
You've touched me so much throughout my soul,
Nothing else matters because only God knows.
I am your soulmate, your lover, and your friend,
I'll always walk beside you, forever until the end
Written by PostwayGurl
Sunday, February 1, 2009
A new place...
So I found myself in an interesting place this morning...I was tired, and the first thing I thought when I woke up was...Hmmm...I don't have to go to church today, I could just sleep in...and that was a scary realization...not because I am no longer a member of a specific church...but because my thoughts were confirmed...at some point during my journey, I transitioned from a fire for God to an obligation to the church...a very dangerous thing for me...I've been very impressionable over the last several years because I was looking for someone to guide me, give me direction...and instead of growing closer to God, and filling the void of family, parents, love...I got very disappointing relationships that weren't healthy for me, and pushed me further from Him. So here I am...trying to find that again...I know the word, I know what he asks of me...I LOVE HIM...I love the Lord...He's been so good...but the excitedness...that excitement over being in His house is gone right now...doesn't make me any less saved...but it will make for an interesting journey because I intend to find it...I love God...can't wait to discover Him anew!!!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)