Just from the heart...

I am somewhat shy about these things, my blog has me opening up...here goes. I love you from the bottom of my heart. Since we first met in 2005, we became friends very quickly and we got close even faster. You have always been so sweet to me, and you have always had a kind word. You never made me feel less than wonderful, and you ALWAYS tell me when I am wrong or tripping, without being offensive. You have steadily been a true friend to me, loving everything about me, even the not so good. I was so skeptical about your feelings for me, but you were persistent and more importantly, consistent! Spiritually you have inspired me to be bold, independent and unwavering in my faith. You are such an awesome man, and I truly thank God that we met, Mr. Cunningham.

RACISM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Check out the video at this link...

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshh4oWh3V55Ii20ih0w

You know what? They are killing me, the most anti black, biased, ignorant news station decides that THIS is racist? The daggone President IS black, and as a BLACK person, we can celebrate, they are so stupid. WE HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO WHITE PEOPLE threaten blacks LIVES the entire campaign and after the inauguration, and at no point did Jay or Jeezy say anything racist...THEY DON'T HAVE TO LIKE BUSH, that doesn't make them racist...shut that CRAP up. If you listen to those that didn't want Obama in office their comments have been directed at the ENTIRE BLACK RACE, but do they highlight that? NO, but when someone talks about the old president, they're RACIST? REALLY? If being proud of the fact that our president is black makes me racist, then I'll be that, but I wonder if the white people that don't like Bush are racist also...hmmm...



This really lights a fire under my butt, I am so sick of the complaints and the ignorance....and they highlight the fact that they said nigga, and talk about the examples that they set for kids, and ok, they aren't the best examples, but how much news coverage do the suicidal, murderous lyrics of rock bands get? Anyone listen to those lyrics?!?!? They are grown, and it wasn't meant out of malice...the next time a black man beats the hell out of a white person for saying it, I bet the defense will be "but you say it all the time..." come on now...I'm not excusing us for using it, I say it myself, and DIDN'T say it was right, BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT when someone black says it, we don't mean it with menace, and that's the truth, you can't argue that, you don't have to like it, but it is what it is. And when a white person says it, nine times out of ten, they are trying to evoke some kind of negative feeling, make us feel like crap...THAT'S why it don't fly for a white guy...we've lived under rules that apply to us but not others forever...I'm not saying that I agree with us using the N word, I've thought about it and discussed it with my friends, and the jury's still out with me, but I'm just sick of blacks and the black culture and music being targeted...we're not out here threatening white people...

Let us talk about the current generation...

Remember when you were younger, and whatever your elder was saying to you sounded so wack? But now that I am edging to the other side I like, hear them daggoneold folks thoughts in my head! I find myself shaking my head at what the girls are wearing, at the boys clothes, at seeing them all hugged up! It bothers me! And I am not saying I never hugged up, but it just seems so...different. The teens now seem to lack any sort of innocence! Like,when I was a teen, I liked boys, but that was it. I knew about sex, but I totally feared that path, and knew I would lose my life if I got caught even hugging on some boy, not that I didn't do it, but I had a healthy fear back then. But it seems now that sex is A regular part of interaction with the opposite sex to this generation, and it scares me. Even the adults scare me because none of them seem to see what is wrong! They say you can't stop them from doing what they want. Well what happened to prevention? Most of what I see is preparation, but no one is keeping it real! And then the teens say, well you did it, and my response is THAT is why I can tell you not to. Women need to explain to these girls the mental and emotional changes, it is so much more than a good orgasm, and I used to be naive enough to think that these young boys don't know what they are doing in bed, but I've been told that isn't the case! Is no one thinking of what this means for the future generations? What do you think this generation is going to teach THEIR kids?! There will be consequences to a lack of acting with self control or moral standard, I just pray mine are able to walk a different path.

My apologies...my life...my shortcomings...

Hmmm...my friend Romona inspired this blog...and I most certainly think it is due on my part...over the years, so many people have contributed to my growth as a person and have gotten the brunt of my attitude, temper tantrums, and have put up with my bitterness, insecurity, wavering moods and temperaments, and have stood by my side...and so to my friends, my loved ones...I'm sorry...

I am coming to understand that so many of the negative things I've encountered in my life turned me into some very positive things, but also some very negative ones...I apologize to my friends that I have held to impossible standards and ridiculous expectations...I appreciate you for all the times you listened to me when I felt sorry for myself, when I just felt like I couldn't do this anymore...

See...I hate my situation...I feel so deprived sometimes...and so much like a burden...I've been burned reaching out to the wrong people, and I have lashed out at those closest to me in response...I haven't dealt with how I feel about my parents...I know they're gone, and they've been gone since I was a child...but at the time it didn't mean much...now as an adult it is such a physical pain, I value family so much, but have family who don't...it's so hard to convey my feelings regarding this...every birthday...every Thanksgiving...every Christmas is so hard...I feel so out of place...all I've ever wanted was to have the opportunity to experience the unconditional love of my mother and father...and I can't...I war with feelings of disdain for myself because I think I should be past it all...they're gone, they've been gone...let it go...nothing you can do....but it hurts...I don't know what to do to move past it because I resent my current situation...I resent the fact that noone in my family gave me the option to be a child...noone nurtured me...noone thought of my future...noone cared...and the family I had that did care was shut out...I'm so very lacking in the area of family relationships because I've never had to keep up with them, and now that I can out of habit, hurt and resentment I don't...but I want to...

I apologize again to the ones I love...I'm learning...and I will continue to grow...I WILL release....I will be free...I apologize to the ones who won't be a part of my life because of things that shouldn't have happened...but did...and I won't let you in anymore...I definitely apologize to the people I let walk over me...I allowed you to remain ignorant of the fact that I will let you have it...but it's cool...I think God intended it that way...and I can set aside my flesh long enough to admit it...but BELIEVE I wanted to...and remember that next time it may not be the same, lol...because I'm in transition and I JUST might decide to do what I want...didn't say it was right though...but we all fall, right? LOL...but I am serious...

I'm sensitive???

I am...my feeling are hurt easily...I'm not a lukewarm person for the most part...I either like you or I don't...if I don't you can probably tell...but for those that I love...I really love...I'm a serious person and I take my life seriously...things that have happened to me...I don't make light of...it's very easy if you're in my circle to hurt me...and I've had it happen...almost didn't make it back to my normal self...and maybe I love too hard...I know that it comes from a lack of love during my childhood, and not having anyone to love as a child...now those who I love deal with my delicate feelings...my night and day emotions...I pray about it...even make a conscious effort not to be that way...*sigh* sometimes I just don't know how to process things. Because I've been hurt, I make special effort not to hurt people in my pathways....but I don't always feel like I get the same respect.........I don't know...I am grateful to the people who have remained with me through the years...you will always have my love...

Just thoughts...feelings...

I'm transitioning...I've lived my life according to what others said I should do...and have always prided myself on my independence....it's a very hard thing...I'm not lost....I actually finally found me...and God holds a whole new appeal to me now...it's not always easy to hear Him if someone is always in your ear...sometimes you have to try to turn it off...I've always sought approval for things I wanted to do, things I have always desired...I should have always been praying instead...I'm frustrated...free...happy...just feeling like the world is at my fingertips...

Discovering love again...it's an amazing feeling to connect to someone. I was so doubtful of the whole in love/love thing...having had such a disastrous experience before...but it's a beautiful thing...never let someone dictate to you how you feel...go with it...if it's real, you will discover it over time...if not...you will discover it over time...

You know how people say some things you have to let people experience on their own? Yeah...that's pretty much most of life...don't suffocate those you love...

School starts tomorrow...I'm actually excited...

Many things on my mind...

So my mind is all over the place...spring semester starts next week...I need to pray, need to read...wondering why christians allow people who aren't dictate to them what they can and cannot do...you ever have someone tell you you aren't supposed to be doing something...but they don't know anything about you, your faith, your God or the word? Next time tell them if they put some real effort into it, and get their own relationship with God instead of the prepackaged, they might understand that being saved is more than speaking in tongues and a good two-step...yes people...we do have lives...we dance, we listen to jazz...and OOH! some of us listen to rap...but that is between us and God...hm...I am on a roll...guess I have more on my chest than I thought...Why is it that we (christians that is) have lost our glow? We're just too caught up in the mechanics...and we shudder at the thought of ministering to someone who actually needs it...lol...we stray from conversations challenging our faith because we don't KNOW the word...we rely on the pastor...smh...and HE COULD JUST be misquoting....but you wouldn't know that would you? I'm talking to me too...don't get it twisted...

For those of you who don't go to church...you sound stupid if your reason has anyone's name other than God's in it...yes. I said stupid...yes...pastors lie...they cheat on their wives...yes...there are hoes in church...but ain't that where they need to be? YES, some of us still smoke weed...some of us struggle...where we screwed up is making it seem like we're perfect...where you screwed up is letting our imperfections impact your walk with God...we don't have a heaven or hell to put you in, and you won't get there looking at us...and we won't get there looking at each other...again...I'm talking to myself as well...

I guess this one can be called...Rants of the Righteous...yeah.