Complete...closure...

so about a month ago I went back to IU Bloomington for the anniversary of the choir that I sang in. For those that don't know, I attended IU from june '02 to May '03. Anyway, I had this huge well of crazy feelings for years because I was dismissed for a semester and never went back, for some of the WORST reasons, and it bothers me until this day...so anyway, I'm back in school now, but I never really had any closure regarding the whole situation. When I went back down, I got that closure. I realized I had matured way beyond what I could have gotten down there, and I realize that a part of the reason I was there was to meet the people I met when I did...those are the people whom I believe will always be a part of my life...I don't feel like there's a chapter of my life missing anymore...I feel fortunate to have experienced what I did...amen...

So...

I feel so many different things! I am really very excited, impatient, and Lord...I don't know what else! I really feel like I'm going to make a bit of a difference in people's lives with the magazine I'm working on, with the help of my partner/love of my life, lol...I just can't believe I'm doing something like this!!!! I am fighting every day mentally to be thankful for my current situation...it's often so hard to be grateful for the frustrating things in life when we have so many things to look forward to! I am experiencing...a myriad of emotions daily, so many things going on in my life...lately I've been wanting to just stop everything, in an attempt to just get a grip! I'm also trying to do better with the relationships around me! I feel like I am somewhat selfish, and that I'm not considerate enough of my friends...I'm very self absorbed, and because I want to get past like...every major trauma in my life, I want to get out of that! Admittedly, a certain part of me feels like SOMETHING in my life ought to be easy, or easiER, but it's just not, you know? I fall in love, the man's forever and a day away, lol, I find what I want to do with myself, and heck, I don't have much time to put into it because I'm working ALL THE TIME...but I can't help but thank God for just remaining faithful to me, because I've not been the same, and He's kept me, truly kept me, because there have been times I've felt out of my mind...you ever REALLY experienced that? It's very scary, I know that much...oh but with His help, prayer and wonderful people around me, I am growing, growing...O there are just so many things I want to be doing right now...

Another Mother's Day

So today I sat, and I really reflected on how I felt about today. I'm not a mother, and my mother is not living, and has been gone for around 18 years of my life. I find myself kind of...shying away from family and friends around this holiday, because I feel like it's a time for people and THEIR mothers. If I could spend time with mine, of course, that would be beautiful, but it's not the case, and I can deal with that. Of course there are wonderful women in my life who have really been very good to me, but I think my longing, and bitterness that I can't have MY mother hasn't allowed me to see just how much they care for me. And also, most of these women have their own children, and I really don't like to invade people's "space" so to speak. So I've learned to cope with this day, and count it a blessing to see another one. Most people who don't have their mothers or fathers will tell those of you who do, "well be grateful you're parents are here, some of us don't have that privilege"...I won't say it just like that, but I will say that even in impossible situations, as long as they're living, you have a chance to improve that situation, or to appreciate their lives. At least do that. Now admittedly, there are some situations that are irreparable...don't have any advice for that, I just know that on days like this I'd kill to be able to be mad at my mother...try to enjoy this day.

Christians know how to alienate people better than....ANYONE!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090508/ap_on_re_us/us_school_dance_flap

I saw the above article, had to go read it. You know...some people are taking stuff to the extreme, and their ideas of upholding the commandments of God are serving to drive people from His face rather than show people who He is. In life, we are all awarded choices. GOD gave us free reign to choose to live our lives according to how we want to. There are things that he asked us not to do, and things he told us TO do. We all agree? Good. Now, do I think that it's appropriate for folks to be dancing all up on some girls behind, so it looks like they're having sex? Nope, but can I say I have done it? Yup. But here's the thing, if you CHOOSE to engage in that behavior, that ain't between you and me. I may not agree, but I LOVE you anyway...know why? Because Christ loved a bunch of misfits to heaven, plain and simple. He asked me to simply love everyone the way he loves us, and live my life full of right choices...are all of them right, and will all of them BE right? Not necessarily, but again...that's not between me and you. We sit on our high horses and beat these kids...and adults over the head, wielding what little power we have in an attempt to force people to make the "right" decision. You don't know what's going to happen to or for someone, stop trying to control every aspect of their lives! It only breeds regret and resentment later on. People need to be able to come to Christ of their own accord, we simply show them the way, if they choose not, our love should be no different! Let that boy go to prom and graduate, he's not done or doing anything wrong...yet. But if he does, he has to answer to his Father, not some board of ridiculous control freaks.

When the actions don't speak louder than the words...

So...once again I've felt the need to make it plain...you know how they say actions speak louder than words...yeah, yeah...true...sometimes...but here's the scenario...check it...you interest of the opposite sex...ya'll talk, hangout, and are somewhat affectionate...you really feelin them...you want more...they pop off sayin "I don't want a relationship, I just want to be friends" and that's not what you want, but to keep them in your life, you agree, and don't lie...that's why most of you agree...and things continue the way they were...why? Because THEY are using you to get what they can't get elsewhere in that moment, and they know you won't go anywhere because you want them around...easy fix, right? YES...it is...you're thinking by showing your devotion, they will come around...and they think that ya'll can hang out until what they really WANT comes around...who's fault? YOURS. When it blows up in your face, all you have to fall back on is them telling you they didn't want a relationship. Doesn't matter what either you did...from that conversation, there was an unspoken understanding...no matter what happens, we're just friends...they have convinced themselves they're doing the right thing by being "honest", and you're deluding yourself into thinking they want you and just don't know it yet. They're wrong...but you're stupid. Sorry...it's the way the cookie crumbles...I've been stupid before too. Fix it.

So...

I haven't written about love in a while...and I felt like I should, only because I'm learning more and more about it each day. I truly HAVE been blessed to have a chance to experience something lasting, and I am getting a taste of what it means to be in something for the long run. I've finally met someone about whom I have no qualms with proclaiming my everlasting love for, and I don't have fear of anything on the negative side...I had previously allowed into my life men who were not whole emotionally, and I ended up dealing with the fallout from that. And while they were busy trying to construct themselves, I was the one falling apart; they were destroying me. Of course...while I was single I had fun, and I dated here and there, some more serious and others...but nothing that I really felt ok with for long term. So as I've said before, I start talking to Reg again, and we've been together now for 4 months, it will be 5 sometime in May...and I know, you're like...how you know you love him and wanna be with him and blah blah blaggedy? Well, we have been friends for going on 4 years this year...we've learned each other, and loved each other as individuals first. If there is anything that I can honestly say gets close to perfection is being able to connect with a TRUE friend. This man has been by my side all the time he's known me, and ladies I'm telling you, I don't have to question him, I don't have to wonder, I don't have to fight for his attention. He respects me firstly because he knows me...the REAL me...you know your friends see a side of you that others don't often get to see...and he loves it...and I him. And the most important thing I think we have is the desire to keep our relationship between us. Of course when necessary we've consulted certain trustworthy outsiders, but for the most part, we do not involve others in what's going on with us, and I love it...we solve our problems on our own, we leave no issue to lie and fester, and it brings us closer, and makes us feel so much better...I know we have a lot to learn, but I think we've got the basics down pretty well...we also have similar goals, and that helps...we are supoprtive of one another, and support is SO important, there are so many times a man or woman don't support their S/O, and it can drive a wedge between you...there will be many things to challenge your relationship, pay attention to the little stuff...it matters!!! He and I have all kinds of little rituals that keep it fresh, keep the love stirred up and new, it's so lovely...and while some would probably gag, lol...it keeps us together...we love each other, and we will continue to because we acknowledge the good AND the bad, and we continue to work on us, I hope that others can experience it the way we've been fortunate enough to...*kisses* babe...thanks for your friendship, support and love.