Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Felt...
I've never felt more misunderstood or less...unimportant. It's so frustrating to feel as though my interpretation or my thoughts are always incorrect or invalid. It's possible that my vision is so blurred that nothing is what it seems, but I doubt it. I'm to the point that I just don't even want to try to talk about anything because no matter what I think it's going to be wrong anyway. I'm overreacting, digging too deep, or something else that equates to how something comes across to me is ridiculous. I'm tired of being laughed at, when I'm dead serious. I just want to be talked to like any other rational person...My rationale and another person's may vary, but it doesn't make my thoughts any less rational to me. I'm frustrated and hurt and tired of feeling that way. I sincerely feel as though all of these feelings just don't or won't matter...it's an overreaction anyway. So what's the point? I know that I misinterpret some things, but everything can't possibly be. And it hurts to feel like the things that matter to me aren't important but when the tables are turned I had better get an understanding or there's a big problem. I just need for my thoughts to be more important than that...
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Confidence
I've been thinking on some things, some people, and myself! So...here we go. I used to, and occasionally still, have confidence issues...I waiver back and forth, lol. I know I'm awesome, and exceptionaly gifted at certain things. It's in my genes, ya know? Ok, so, I'm confident for the most part, and I'm TOTALLY confident when it comes to things that I know.
See...I'm a know-it-all. And anyone who knows one knows that we REALLY believe we are right in most, if not ALL things. Seriously. And it's not an "I'm superior to you in every way type thing" it's more of a, at least for me it's "I've been around the block, and most of everything I try works out, so I gotta know somethin!" type thing. And also, we have thoughts on EVERYTHING. I mean...there's not a topic you can't bring up that we won't have something to say or a suggestion to make... and I will concede to a better idea...if I hear one, that is, but it's rare that I think anything that someone else suggested sounds better than what I'm saying.
Now I can see why this bothers some people...I know people like me, lol...we're confident, and take-charge types...the thing is, we rarely totally screw up...so give us props...some of us were just made to lead...feel me? LOL. Now, as someone who had SERIOUS confidence issues once upon a time, I can tell you...it's annoying to people around you, because your behavior and attitude is often SO negative. And when you have confidence issues, you HATE confident people...and maybe not on a conscious level, but it definitely manifests in your speech and actions...it's ugly!
I know that I'm boisterous, noisy, talkative, smart, cute, and all those other adjectives that make me sound good, and there is NOTHING wrong with that being evident in how I walk, talk, live and breathe...but don't confuse these things for perfection, and don't think we think we're perfect, we are acutely aware of our flaws, but why harp on them? When I make a mistake, I try now to look at it...examine why, what, how, and try to move past...forgive myself and keep it MOVIN.
Get your confidence up...and stop "hating" (I hate that word) on the confident people in the world. It's no fun walking around looking like you ate a lemon. I know, I used to do it.
See...I'm a know-it-all. And anyone who knows one knows that we REALLY believe we are right in most, if not ALL things. Seriously. And it's not an "I'm superior to you in every way type thing" it's more of a, at least for me it's "I've been around the block, and most of everything I try works out, so I gotta know somethin!" type thing. And also, we have thoughts on EVERYTHING. I mean...there's not a topic you can't bring up that we won't have something to say or a suggestion to make... and I will concede to a better idea...if I hear one, that is, but it's rare that I think anything that someone else suggested sounds better than what I'm saying.
Now I can see why this bothers some people...I know people like me, lol...we're confident, and take-charge types...the thing is, we rarely totally screw up...so give us props...some of us were just made to lead...feel me? LOL. Now, as someone who had SERIOUS confidence issues once upon a time, I can tell you...it's annoying to people around you, because your behavior and attitude is often SO negative. And when you have confidence issues, you HATE confident people...and maybe not on a conscious level, but it definitely manifests in your speech and actions...it's ugly!
I know that I'm boisterous, noisy, talkative, smart, cute, and all those other adjectives that make me sound good, and there is NOTHING wrong with that being evident in how I walk, talk, live and breathe...but don't confuse these things for perfection, and don't think we think we're perfect, we are acutely aware of our flaws, but why harp on them? When I make a mistake, I try now to look at it...examine why, what, how, and try to move past...forgive myself and keep it MOVIN.
Get your confidence up...and stop "hating" (I hate that word) on the confident people in the world. It's no fun walking around looking like you ate a lemon. I know, I used to do it.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Today and beyond...
So I'm sitting here this morning, tired of course, and I'm grateful to the Lord. I'm excited about a new "journey" I'm taking, and it's been challenging but well worth it so far. I'm so focused on taking the victim status off of my life! I've been through a hell of a lot in my life, and it's clearly not about me. If I allow those things to defeat me, I won't fulfill what I believe part of my purpose is. I'm conquering! So, I'm journaling my entire childhood, all my memories good and bad, and the things I DON'T remember, and writing down how these things make me feel, and then, how I plan to move beyond them. I'm not done journaling, but I can imagine the part where I have to talk about how to move past these things is going to prove a great challenge. I've got to learn to stop blaming certain members of my family for how my life has gone because now I'M in control, and those things should not be able to dictate my life. The thing that I love most right now is I'm worshipping again. I can connect, and it feels good! I'm thinking on whether I will post the journal entries...I may not because I was thinking of writing a book on all my experiences, we'll see. But right now I'm feeling good about bringing positivity into my life!
This is definitely where I'm at right now!
This is definitely where I'm at right now!
March 22 blog...
Random thoughts...short one.
On this morning I'm reflecting on my weekend, and looking forward to the day I have ahead of me. I felt like I literally faced the two sides of myself this weekend!!! I have quite a few friends and brothers and sisters in Christ, and I feel like I had my spiritual side and my other side visit me, lol. I just praise God that He's never left me and that He continues to convict my heart. I praise Him truly for the consistency He's put within me. I try with little effort to always be the same, although I grow constantly. Lately I just want to be beyond my flesh, beyond my wants. I know that the Lord is going to bless in the midst of the confusion that I've created, because I give it to Him. Now my mindset over the past few days has been alright. I have to see where it goes from here. I'm at work, and I feel ok. I feel like I can keep it moving, appreciate what I have, and call it a day.
On this morning I'm reflecting on my weekend, and looking forward to the day I have ahead of me. I felt like I literally faced the two sides of myself this weekend!!! I have quite a few friends and brothers and sisters in Christ, and I feel like I had my spiritual side and my other side visit me, lol. I just praise God that He's never left me and that He continues to convict my heart. I praise Him truly for the consistency He's put within me. I try with little effort to always be the same, although I grow constantly. Lately I just want to be beyond my flesh, beyond my wants. I know that the Lord is going to bless in the midst of the confusion that I've created, because I give it to Him. Now my mindset over the past few days has been alright. I have to see where it goes from here. I'm at work, and I feel ok. I feel like I can keep it moving, appreciate what I have, and call it a day.
March 19th blog
Since I can't access blogger during the day, when I have a thought I draft an email, and I've been lazy about posting them...this one is from March, don't judge me.
This morning my spirit is tranquil. I feel alright. I had someone reach out to me after my last blog, and I look forward to the conversation. I am attempting to blog daily so that I can look back and be able to see how my emotions and thoughts and things come together. I went to rehearsal yesterday, and I slept last night, got up this morning feeling ok. I notice that one thing I need to release is my obsession with the material. Not that I'm materialistic per se...it's more of a...feeling as though I have to keep up. But not in the traditional sense so to speak. See, when I was younger, I was always the one that couldn't. I couldn't go visit a friend, I couldn't go play outside, and as I got older, I couldn't go out to eat, or go on this trip, or whatever it was. As I got older I was all about immediate gratification of my desires because I often (can't say never) couldn't do what I wanted to. As a result, I still made myself the one that couldn't...and even now, with long term goals in mind, I have a hard time thinking "save, don't buy everything you want right now". I'm the kind of person who doesn't care much about the long term...but I care about the long term...feel me? So now, like RIGHT NOW, I feel a boost in my mood. My garnishment is over! TMI? Too bad. I was living off a fraction of my pay and it was driving me nuts...because I couldn't shop, go eat, or anything...but you bet I did it anyway. SMH. I'm going to learn though. The boyfriend said I should put the amount that I was being garnished aside still...good idea right? YES, it IS a great idea, now I just have to implement it.
This morning my spirit is tranquil. I feel alright. I had someone reach out to me after my last blog, and I look forward to the conversation. I am attempting to blog daily so that I can look back and be able to see how my emotions and thoughts and things come together. I went to rehearsal yesterday, and I slept last night, got up this morning feeling ok. I notice that one thing I need to release is my obsession with the material. Not that I'm materialistic per se...it's more of a...feeling as though I have to keep up. But not in the traditional sense so to speak. See, when I was younger, I was always the one that couldn't. I couldn't go visit a friend, I couldn't go play outside, and as I got older, I couldn't go out to eat, or go on this trip, or whatever it was. As I got older I was all about immediate gratification of my desires because I often (can't say never) couldn't do what I wanted to. As a result, I still made myself the one that couldn't...and even now, with long term goals in mind, I have a hard time thinking "save, don't buy everything you want right now". I'm the kind of person who doesn't care much about the long term...but I care about the long term...feel me? So now, like RIGHT NOW, I feel a boost in my mood. My garnishment is over! TMI? Too bad. I was living off a fraction of my pay and it was driving me nuts...because I couldn't shop, go eat, or anything...but you bet I did it anyway. SMH. I'm going to learn though. The boyfriend said I should put the amount that I was being garnished aside still...good idea right? YES, it IS a great idea, now I just have to implement it.
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