You just do you...

You know...there are a few things that I have been learning over the course of the past few months. One being that you cannot let others dictate to you who you are. I made that mistake, not seeing that the people I held so much stock in weren't so much better off than me. Realize that you can stand on your own, and that way you won't be so disappointed when your heroes show you their true colors. A lot of people have disappointed me in the last few months, only because they have placed themselves so far above everything, and I thought they were, only to find out they are just like the rest of us...which wouldn't be a problem if they would only ACT like they were fallible.



Also...I have come to the conclusion that people have to stop allowing others to mess in their lives...while we're sitting up following or being led by what someone else is telling us, we're unhappy and they're doing what they want to do. Do you even realize that? Always make sure what you're doing sits well with you...mistakes are meant to be made, and you know the difference between something that's life or death, right or wrong...you don't need play by play commentary...do you. Often people tell you that there are some things that you don't have to experience because you have seen someone else make that mistake...the funny thing is, the mistake someone else made can be a victory for you, so like I said before...MAKE SURE YOU DO YOU. Ultimately, your choice is your own, and while people will tell you that, they also imply that you should do what THEY say...beware of dumb crap. Take advise under advisement...into consideration, and then do what's best for you...we get one life...just one...and some try to spend theirs AND use others...

Hm...last thing I really learned...is that I'm in love...I mean REALLY in love...and it's a beautiful thing...you know what sucked initially? I didn't want to date, because someone always would be telling me how I really felt...or that it wasn't real, that it wasn't right, or this that and the other thing...and some of you who read this will immediately think of certain people, but the spectrum was much larger than that...NOW...yes, you will make mistakes when dating...but make sure you keep your relationship to yourself. Yes...another thing I failed to do and I learned from it the hard way...you will deal with enough without having a million other opinions floating around in your head...outside people will KILL your relationship, seriously. To imagine that I may have passed on this man irritates me unto no end, because I was just that easily influenced...don't make that error. LOVE, peace and hair grease.

Just a random joint...follow my thoughts...

So...I've been thinking on some things...I've become very private over the past few years...due in part to not having had a private life, which of course was my fault, but I didn't like it...so now I may be a tad OVERprotective of myself and my life, but because I went through this period where I was so easily influenced or swayed...and transitioning from that to being able to make a decision for you is not an over night thing. So...that leads me to my relationship...I was telling Reg today that while I don't mind people knowing us...I don't want them to know is, feel me? I know there are quite a few folks that may think they know...but they don't, lol...people know what you allow them to see, and right now, I'm happy leaving things to speculation. I don't really inquire about anyone else's business, and love for people to stay out of mine...

Lately...I've been disgruntled at school/work scenarios...it's soooooooo taxing to do all the things I do...and people always say you have a choice how much you put on your plate...but I can't think of a single thing that I CAN cut out. Each thing is essential to my life...especially my singing...

Speaking of which...I gotta get out more and sing...like I used to...we'll see...anyone need me?

I am...a work in progress...beginning to wonder how many of us make assumptions on God...we assume we know what He likes...doesn't...wants...doesn't want...but that's not the case...I don't want to out guess God...

Like I said...random.

A woman's place...

Now...I hear a lot of women up in arms about this very idea...the idea of having a "place" just puts a fire under the butts of so many, it's funny to me. My question is, is the argument really with you having a "place?" Why are women so hell bent on "breaking all the rules"? What is it that drives you to quickly say "UH UH, I don't HAVE to do blah blah skip, it's my CHOICE, I can do what I want?" I mean...the truth is, from back in the day, the traditional views of the man being the head of the household and the provider, and the woman being the support of her man, by taking care of what's WITHIN that household, outside of yardwork and all that is not a bad deal. Why we feel we must change the tire, mow the lawn, work in the factory (I know that some women choose to do this, I'm just making my point), and protect the family is beyond me...I mean, is there something wrong with me, who desires to have my man be the head of my house, and I will willingly support and input as necessary? I mean...I tend to think I'm as bossy and independent as they come, those who know me may give me an amen, but at the end of the day, I don't have anything to prove...I'm a woman manicured, no manual labor, tryin to be cute and always feminine type of chick, who doesn't have a problem with my "place"...you know why? Because I think that a man has his place too...I expect my man to take out the trash, get my car fixed, come change my flat, fix the toilet and all that jazz...and I've BEEN on the other side...I've done it all alone, all the time...so what? I feel quite accomplished, and don't have a problem deferring to my man when I feel it falls under his jurisdiction, lol. So ladies...what's the deal? Why are we trying so arduously to deny and denounce any sort of boundaries? Am I missing something? I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman who can do it all, so don't think I'm coming down on anyone, I just don't understand the great attitude you get when someone speaks on a man or woman's role...what is it that you're REALLY trying to prove? Is it just that you want recognition for these things? I mean...no one is holding you to just this strict definition of a woman's duties, I like to think of it as something to look forward to...I can't wait to run my household alongside my career...but maybe it's just me?

Slightly irritated...

You know...I don't claim to know everything...or anything for that matter...at what cost, however, does knowledge come? I have gotten slightly perturbed with all the conspiracy theory floating around...reason being...1...you don't know if it's true...there's nothing written or recorded that you KNOW for a fact is true. 2...if it IS true...WHERE DO YOU GO FROM THERE?!?!? All the people who are "spreading the knowledge" are simply fear mongering. You're not providing a solution, you're not showing the way to a plan to prevent or stop the supposed crazy government. You call yourselves so "AWARE". Of what?!?!? There is some knowledge that is absolutely useless, and yours borders on ridiculous. I don't buy into everything you're selling, although admittedly everything is not honky dory on capital hill, but it HASN'T been. If you're not solving a problem you're CAUSING one. Come back with a plan...and maybe I'll listen. For now, just give up. It's irritating. And this is my personal opinion. You don't have to agree...

Goals, dreams and aspirations...

So...lately...or rather the last week...I've really been going back and forth, because I have kinda become torn between a couple of things...I have such a desire to get into the administrative field, like corporately, or like, for an artist, or athletic firm or something...but at the same time, I would also like to teach I think...and I'm not sure what to do about that...lol...And, with so many transitions in my life coming up...not sure when I should start trying...I also have my own business aspirations...I would love to get into management consulting...I think managers SUCK at every company I've ever worked with, they're very unprofessional, very childish, and just ridiculous. They focus so much on the wrong thing, and so many businesses forget that the most productive environment is often the one that an employee is comfortable in...you have to allow the employee to work well...not pin them down with so many rules that they JUST do what they are required...I also want to be in a position to be more active charitably...even though I'm moving next year, I would be very happy to find another job in the mean time...I hate working so far from home, not really having much free time...it sucks...

And also, I'm very interested in having my own radio show...that would be a dream for me...as well as starting my own mag, which is definitely something I'm working on...

A spiritual encounter...

NEVER, not ever have I woken up feeling the way that I felt this morning...last night I was talking to my boyfriend about this issue that I've had for years, that I never quite knew how to pray about, and felt like I could never quite get rid of...this is quite personal, but what is the purpose of me experiencing it if I can't share it and possibly encourage someone else in this same area? I've NEVER been a self proclaimed "HOLY ROLLER", but I am wholly devoted to the Lord, with everything that's within me. On to my experience...

I've always been...physical...sexual...and never fully understood it. I have always been told that my movements, comments have always been flirty, sexual...different. And I've always drawn men to me, in a physical way...since I was a teen...and I never understood it, I always felt bad, because it would be...married men, men I didn't know, men in relationships...and they would just kind of approach me, and make me kinda...step back, and look at myself...I would always wonder what on earth it was in me, that drew these people to me...because I didn't want it. At all. Eventually, these things took hold of me internally, and I was drawn to different things...and I understand a normal, healthy sex drive, God intended for sex to be a beautiful, natural thing, and I believe it is...but that's not what I had inside me at all...if you have never been controlled by something, you may not quite understand...but for me, physically...once I had that craving...I needed it to be gone...NEEDED it to go away...that thirst had to be quenched, or it would darn near consume my thoughts...and as someone who is often alone, that's not any easy thing to combat...so I pretty much began to do what I needed to do in order to get the monkey off my back...I never knew how to get rid of it...I prayed, half heartedly, because I didn't understand what it was...I never fully acknowledged what it was...but last night, I said I was talking to my boyfriend about it...and it was the first time I had articulated what it was that was working in me...and I went to sleep late...woke up this afternoon with this feeling, it was incredible, because I FELT like God was tearing that out of me...that uncontrollable drive, urge for the sexual...and I'm even overwhelmed right now...I just don't know how to describe...I woke with my stomach hurting, and this feeling...just this feeling...the first thing that came to me was that it was leaving me...I am...so unashamed...I feel...so great...it's still going to be a journey of course...because if anyone knows that scripture...let me go find it right quick, so I can break it down...Matthew 12:43-45

43When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none.

44Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished.

45Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first.

I have no intention of allowing what I had in me to come back, stronger than before...YPJ preached a sermon on this, and I'm so glad that I have that knowledge to draw on right now...when you're cleansed of something, you HAVE to fill that space with something else...that something else being prayer, the word, and whatever else you need to fill the void of an unnatural emptiness...this is the most personal blog I've ever written, because these aren't things that are evident to everyone that knows me, and so often people who don't believe look at you like you're crazy, and still others will judge...but that's fine...if someone feels me...thanks...if not...hey...

BUT, if you've ever had an experience like what I had...not being able to control something within you...seek to have it ripped out of you...acknowledge it, don't ignore it...you don't have to tell everyone, you don't have to feel ashamed of it...but I'm telling you...you'll be much better for it...

Thanks for reading, hope it helps someone...it helped me to write it...and I'm open to alllll manner of questions...

You ever...

just have one of those hard days, where you're just can't be consoled? MAN...if today wasn't that day...I just got to thinking...that on top of a hard life...I made it harder...and it's crazy...because I now can look back on a decision that I made and see where God told me to go...and see where I went...and it's been a LOOOOOONG road to...here...which is still not the fulfillment of the full vision of me as God sees it...in love with a man, ever patient, because he knows...and I thank him for that...learning about God ALLLLLL over again...He knows my heart...and I've given it to Him...he's able to fix allllll ills...it's so beautiful...all the things in my life right now are very...different...I'm trying to focus on everything...trying my best to balance it all out...and so far it seems ok...I believe I can greatly improve my prayer life, reading time...all of that...and I am/will. It's so hard to come back to something you didn't know you were slowly walking away from. I have realized so many things about myself over the past several weeks...have processed SO MANY emotions...it's all so...new...so...refreshing...I feel like...if I know how I feel, I can properly articulate...I know God knows my heart, but I want to be able to talk to Him about my pain, my hurt, and get over it...I want to rejoice in Him every day, focus on Him, and not see through someone else's eyes...because I need that for days like this...I get tired of being sensible, rational, having to make the exact right decision, or I'm screwed...it's exhausting...I know that everything in life doesn't come easy...but can some things? Ever? Sure doesn't feel like it...but I AM blessed...so I must say thank you Lord for being there for me...

So many....

It's amazing the thoughts that can so quickly run through your mind...I'm discovering a need to be accepted, because I've always felt so out of place everywhere, my entire life...and I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt...but I just feel so...different. I have friends that seem to all have different views of me...some think I'm difficult, a little mean...others think I'm dramatic, and very...over the top, outspoken...and hey...all of those things may be true...but really...I just want to be around people who understand me...who really love me, and desire to be a friend to me, and allow me to do the same...and maybe some of these thoughts are self imposed perceptions...but in one way or another I've gotten those reactions at one time or another...and it's funny...this Jill Scott song sums up my feelings on me right now...

Don't feel no pity for me
Cause I'm going through a couple things,
Life means change,
That's the way it goes,goes
All my life I had a constant burning
A strong deep,desire
An aching ambiguous,yearning,yearning,
yearning

For something better
For something bigger
For something wider
For something higher
And lots of regrets
Cause I ain't seem to found it yet
I've been searching around the world
Never knowing what to expect
I get sad sometimes
Yes I be mad sometimes
Cause I'm out here on the grind
Making mine
And I still can't seem to find
What I've been looking for
Opened so many doors
For real,yo
I just wanna be loved...

I just wanna be loved
Like everybody else does
I just wanna be loved
I just wanna be loved
I just wanna be loved

And I know there are those who do...and I also know that I'll have to continue to push to get past the opinions of people...believe me when I tell you that I get closer every day.