How easy...

It's always so much more easy for us to tell someone else how simple it is to solve a problem, or let something or someone go, or whatever else. It's just never that easy for yourself, why, why WHY! How easy is it for you to admit your faults and failures? Because I've always felt that it's been so easy for others to tell me my faults, so a while back I decided to take a GOOD look at myself, and there were things I did and didn't like, naturally. There were and are things that I wanted to change, for me, and wanted to be on my own to work out. And I am and will! The new year is coming, and I'm not one to really make resolutions, but I plan this year to really focus on my own self, and not rely or look to others for my validation and/or happiness. That in itself will be a blessing. I want to be happy with most of what is going on in my life, I know I won't always be happy with everything, but I want to finally pursue things that will make me happy! My relationship with God will be my own, and I'll learn to take council without feeling like I have to put an enormous amount of stock in who they are. 2011 workin it out...I gotta work on a theme song for next year, lol. I'll add this for GP.

This is personal...

I haven't written in so very long, partially because everything I've had to say has been so utterly personal, and while you may think most of my blogs have been, they've been just a surface thing, things I think are necessary to be said and that someone else could benefit from. All that I've thought or felt for the last several months have been all about and for me. I'm not really fond of opening myself up like that. What's bothering me lately is how everything seems to point to Saint Louis...and inadvertently my last relationship. Painful subject, but what can you do? Everything takes time though, so I'll deal. But what are the odds of so many things now being connected to that? Hm. Songs, places, people...never dealt with that before, and never understood how deeply intertwined our lives were. Whether they will be again remains to be seen and apparently wants have no bearing on what will be. So, whatever happens, happens. But that's hard to even allow or fathom right? The absolute lack of control of a situation. Again, I'll deal. Enough of my personal business though.

People are very opinionated, and as much as I've shied away from allowing those opinions to dictate my thoughts or feelings I still find myself filtering for those who have opinions. But I can say that I totally empathize with those who constantly place their personal before the masses on FB and all. You sometimes just want to get it out. Plain and simple. I wouldn't mind strangers and friends reading my personal blogs, it doesn't bother me. It's the rest of you, those overly opinionated people who can kick rocks, lol. Isn't it funny that the ones who so typically have a word to say are the ones you least desire to interact with sometimes?

Friends...I love mine, although there have been some rocky roads along the way with some of them. I have a new friend, and a potentially new friend, which is new for me, lol. I don't really get excited about new people and typically don't anticipate them being in my life long term, but both have that potential! Very nice women, I like them both a lot so far. And I'm realizing now that I've begun to rely on outside relationships rather than familial ones. I'm trying to find a balance with my family, because there are such odd things on either side that alienate me, and make me feel totally separate from everyone. I can't go back and recreate relationships, but I can figure out what to do from here. I don't FEEL related to much of anyone, although I love my family. My mother's family had no choice in the matter of my separation from them, and I feel as though I ought to, and I want to, build relationships with all of them. BUT we are different, as we were all raised in two totally different ways. I have fretted over my lack of social grace with my family sometimes though. But what can I do?

South Bend...I'm over it. I didn't realize how much so until recently. Every lonely, sad, angry, hurt, disappointed memory, event and whatever else is connected to that city. All the loss, mistakes, craziness in my life is ALL tied to that place...I never connected it! So, now that I'm on the path to happiness, mental health, emotional balance (lawd) and all that, I realize I can't stay here. It's not because I just can't face my past, I see it all the time, lol. It's that I can't move forward with that cloud over my head. Just not possible. I'll never be happy here. I get that now. So...I'm taking off. Asap. Can't wait. That of course, is temporary as well. I'm taking my time to refocus, and work some things out, pay some small bills off and figure out what is next! I love it, and can't wait.

Long time no see

I've not written in a month of Sundays! Ok, so my blog is all about me, and all the things...I think I guess, lol. So, there are multiple things going on in my life, some good, some confusing, others just are what they are. Love...*sigh* just one of those things that you can never predict or understand. I'm just trying to roll with the punches. Life...just a continuous battle! Lol, I mean, we only get one chance, and I refuse to live my life trying to set myself up for when I'm older...and less mobile. I want to live my entire life like it was my last day here! I want to write more but I'm tired again...lol. bbl...

Ode to the Yummies...

Whoo lawd, ok. So me posting one random pic turned into an all-out Ode to some of the most original looking, gorgeous men on earth! All celebrities of course. And as I posted these pics, I felt things, right? LOL...but my thoughts began to swirl around this whole celebrity love thing...and I thought about it a little more. Of course there are groupies in the world, we all know that. But am I the only one who with all sincerity saw someone onscreen and was like...if I EVER got a chance to meet him, I would just want to try to get to know him! Yeah, that's me. LOL...I'm not on trying to sleep with you or anything, I just want to know if you're nuts behind all that beautiful. To begin, Don Cheadle. Not sure if he's married, but the man is awesome and charitable, which just gets straight through to my heart! He seems to be really well rounded. Andre 3000...he's just...different. Not sure how much is him and how much is gimmick, but let's face it, it's not benefitted him much at all to be so different, so it's got to be him, lol...it's appealing. His look, his lyrics, his intelligence. I can dig it. Mos Def...*melts* a THESPIAN! I *heart* HIM! He's just well spoken, great lyricist, true to what he says as far as we know right? YUM. Common...newly single, gorgeous, and those BEAUTIFUL freckles?!?!? Lyrics that kick tail and he's steppin out on the big screen...gotta admire ambition. Lastly...and most certainly not least...JOHN LEGEND. *passes out* Seriously...I don't know why, but ever since he's come out...I've been totally absorbed in his musical expression. I don't know the man personally, but I'd love to! I'm just sayin. NONE of these men do I know, but as far as positivity in celebrities go, I think they pretty much do well. Yummmmmmmmmmmy!

Felt...

I've never felt more misunderstood or less...unimportant. It's so frustrating to feel as though my interpretation or my thoughts are always incorrect or invalid. It's possible that my vision is so blurred that nothing is what it seems, but I doubt it. I'm to the point that I just don't even want to try to talk about anything because no matter what I think it's going to be wrong anyway. I'm overreacting, digging too deep, or something else that equates to how something comes across to me is ridiculous. I'm tired of being laughed at, when I'm dead serious. I just want to be talked to like any other rational person...My rationale and another person's may vary, but it doesn't make my thoughts any less rational to me. I'm frustrated and hurt and tired of feeling that way. I sincerely feel as though all of these feelings just don't or won't matter...it's an overreaction anyway. So what's the point? I know that I misinterpret some things, but everything can't possibly be. And it hurts to feel like the things that matter to me aren't important but when the tables are turned I had better get an understanding or there's a big problem. I just need for my thoughts to be more important than that...

Confidence

I've been thinking on some things, some people, and myself! So...here we go. I used to, and occasionally still, have confidence issues...I waiver back and forth, lol. I know I'm awesome, and exceptionaly gifted at certain things. It's in my genes, ya know? Ok, so, I'm confident for the most part, and I'm TOTALLY confident when it comes to things that I know.

See...I'm a know-it-all. And anyone who knows one knows that we REALLY believe we are right in most, if not ALL things. Seriously. And it's not an "I'm superior to you in every way type thing" it's more of a, at least for me it's "I've been around the block, and most of everything I try works out, so I gotta know somethin!" type thing. And also, we have thoughts on EVERYTHING. I mean...there's not a topic you can't bring up that we won't have something to say or a suggestion to make... and I will concede to a better idea...if I hear one, that is, but it's rare that I think anything that someone else suggested sounds better than what I'm saying.

Now I can see why this bothers some people...I know people like me, lol...we're confident, and take-charge types...the thing is, we rarely totally screw up...so give us props...some of us were just made to lead...feel me? LOL. Now, as someone who had SERIOUS confidence issues once upon a time, I can tell you...it's annoying to people around you, because your behavior and attitude is often SO negative. And when you have confidence issues, you HATE confident people...and maybe not on a conscious level, but it definitely manifests in your speech and actions...it's ugly!

I know that I'm boisterous, noisy, talkative, smart, cute, and all those other adjectives that make me sound good, and there is NOTHING wrong with that being evident in how I walk, talk, live and breathe...but don't confuse these things for perfection, and don't think we think we're perfect, we are acutely aware of our flaws, but why harp on them? When I make a mistake, I try now to look at it...examine why, what, how, and try to move past...forgive myself and keep it MOVIN.

Get your confidence up...and stop "hating" (I hate that word) on the confident people in the world. It's no fun walking around looking like you ate a lemon. I know, I used to do it.

Today and beyond...

So I'm sitting here this morning, tired of course, and I'm grateful to the Lord. I'm excited about a new "journey" I'm taking, and it's been challenging but well worth it so far. I'm so focused on taking the victim status off of my life! I've been through a hell of a lot in my life, and it's clearly not about me. If I allow those things to defeat me, I won't fulfill what I believe part of my purpose is. I'm conquering! So, I'm journaling my entire childhood, all my memories good and bad, and the things I DON'T remember, and writing down how these things make me feel, and then, how I plan to move beyond them. I'm not done journaling, but I can imagine the part where I have to talk about how to move past these things is going to prove a great challenge. I've got to learn to stop blaming certain members of my family for how my life has gone because now I'M in control, and those things should not be able to dictate my life. The thing that I love most right now is I'm worshipping again. I can connect, and it feels good! I'm thinking on whether I will post the journal entries...I may not because I was thinking of writing a book on all my experiences, we'll see. But right now I'm feeling good about bringing positivity into my life!

This is definitely where I'm at right now!

March 22 blog...

Random thoughts...short one.

On this morning I'm reflecting on my weekend, and looking forward to the day I have ahead of me. I felt like I literally faced the two sides of myself this weekend!!! I have quite a few friends and brothers and sisters in Christ, and I feel like I had my spiritual side and my other side visit me, lol. I just praise God that He's never left me and that He continues to convict my heart. I praise Him truly for the consistency He's put within me. I try with little effort to always be the same, although I grow constantly. Lately I just want to be beyond my flesh, beyond my wants. I know that the Lord is going to bless in the midst of the confusion that I've created, because I give it to Him. Now my mindset over the past few days has been alright. I have to see where it goes from here. I'm at work, and I feel ok. I feel like I can keep it moving, appreciate what I have, and call it a day.

March 19th blog

Since I can't access blogger during the day, when I have a thought I draft an email, and I've been lazy about posting them...this one is from March, don't judge me.

This morning my spirit is tranquil. I feel alright. I had someone reach out to me after my last blog, and I look forward to the conversation. I am attempting to blog daily so that I can look back and be able to see how my emotions and thoughts and things come together. I went to rehearsal yesterday, and I slept last night, got up this morning feeling ok. I notice that one thing I need to release is my obsession with the material. Not that I'm materialistic per se...it's more of a...feeling as though I have to keep up. But not in the traditional sense so to speak. See, when I was younger, I was always the one that couldn't. I couldn't go visit a friend, I couldn't go play outside, and as I got older, I couldn't go out to eat, or go on this trip, or whatever it was. As I got older I was all about immediate gratification of my desires because I often (can't say never) couldn't do what I wanted to. As a result, I still made myself the one that couldn't...and even now, with long term goals in mind, I have a hard time thinking "save, don't buy everything you want right now". I'm the kind of person who doesn't care much about the long term...but I care about the long term...feel me? So now, like RIGHT NOW, I feel a boost in my mood. My garnishment is over! TMI? Too bad. I was living off a fraction of my pay and it was driving me nuts...because I couldn't shop, go eat, or anything...but you bet I did it anyway. SMH. I'm going to learn though. The boyfriend said I should put the amount that I was being garnished aside still...good idea right? YES, it IS a great idea, now I just have to implement it.

Progression and life...

I have a problem with having to do everything I think of right at that moment. I want to do everything now. Right now I'm focusing on my mental health and emotional stability, and that should be enough. But NOPE, lol. I'm also trying to work on my music and a million other things. I wish I felt some sort of direction...Time to pray. Short and sweet, just had to get a few thoughts out there...

Positivity

My belief system is rooted in faith, however it seems I don't have any. Or much anyway. I figure that we go through life continuously learning about ourselves, and so it's been for me. I understand that I'm generally a negative person, and so ok, I've realized that, and can look it in the face, but where to move forward from there? How do you change your perspective and the way you see things? If anyone's ever done that, I definitely want to know how. I'm trying to improve as a person, and am learning more and more things within me that need to be overhauled! I feel like a double minded person (we know what the bible says about that) in that I from day to day can be cool, like...everything is ok on the surface, but then a challenging situation arises and it's *crash*. I'm so often absorbed with my own issues that no one else's even matters. I can't forget the past and so I can't look to the future. My whole THOUGHT process is this: A,B,C and D happened to me at this time. OK. Got it! But I want to move on. But then I can't move on because when something bad happens my whole mind is just like..."My life is horrible, it's always been horrible, will it always BE horrible?" This overwhelming pity and sadness overcomes me, and there goes the neighborhood. I'm the kind of person who can change the entire atmosphere of a room. I didn't realize not everyone can do that...and so it's important to me to really jumpstart myself, and twist my mentality around. Another thing I realize is that while I've been on my own for what seems like a lifetime...I still don't have that "I gotta do what I gotta do" mentality. Like...I guess I'm around here thinking I've paid dues, SOMEbody owes me SOMEthing...give it to me! You know? I need some help. I want some help. But can't get it from anywhere. Not anything that I deem substantial, and that's another problem...can anyone do enough? Probably not. It's a difficult mind I have, one that I feel I have no control over, and all the control in the world sometimes. A part of this problem is that I don't know how to "turn it over to God". You know how people tell you to do that? To give it up, and don't take it back? Hell if I knew how, I'd heave ho ALL this crap and never look back...sometimes I feel like I need more detailed instructions. I'm sure I'm making life harder for myself than anything else...and I don't know how not to do that either. But this is day 1 into my journey, because I'll be damned if I lose my man, my mind or my life over this crap. I just want to be happy.

Eh...

I hate when you're required to title something and you can't think of a title. My new default is...eh. LOL. OK, so my girl got married, and something at the reception struck me suddenly and deeply and I had to like, compose myself, I experienced this DEEP wave of emotion...at her reception, she danced with her daddy...and OMG my heart just DROPPED. I felt like an *** right there at my table...my cousin looked at me and asked if I was ok, and I said no, but I will be fine...not sure she new why I was so suddenly upset, but ah well. I realized that there are still going to be those moments where the deaths of my parents seem like they happened yesterday! And I wonder, when the HECK will I EVER be over this? Like...why can't I just be like, it happened, I'm so much stronger and yada...

I think that a part of me sees my friends that have such wonderful relationships with their families and parents and I look at my dysfunctional relationships, that are a result of my parent's deaths and I still long for that, so a part of me cannot let them go. I'm so glad that I can self examine but I for darn sure don't have the training to prescribe the cure. Continual prayer of course, but I'm sure there are some action steps, I just don't know how to take them, lol.

I learned too that I may not be as good a friend as I thought I was...hm. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm awesome, I will always be there for you if you need me, but I'm not good at the "showing myself friendly" part? That results in me feeling closer to people than they feel to me, because I'm assertive and I will lay my ish on the table for you, but I typically won't poke into your business, which makes some feel like they can't talk to me I guess...*sigh* I don't know, I just want to do better. That is all...

In the workplace...

I stole this from my wordpress blog...since I don't think I will continue there...

I’ve heard people say that it’s within a company’s rights to say what they feel is business appropriate hair. That statement, standing alone I do agree with. However, there is ALL this other stuff that comes along with it. In the current time more and more blacks and browns are embracing their natural hair. Natural hair in all forms does not fit into the current standard that businesses have, and that in itself speaks to the mindset of the entire country. Think about it; white men and women where their hair all spikey, in unnatural colors alllllllllllllllllllllllllll the time. It’s accepted, right? But when you see a twist out, or a fro, locs or a dye job on someone with a darker tone, we’re all of a sudden unprofessional. I do feel as though there are limits, but right now, I’m not too sure what they are. The fact is, unrelaxed hair does not manipulate the same as relaxed hair, and it’s not going to look the same. You can do some of the sames styles, but in general it’s a whole different machine. We need to examine our foundations and see what the root of the issue is; I think it goes way beyond whether or not our hair is “professional”.

I thought I was going to leave...

I thought I was going to trade you in Blogspot...for WordPress...and I might still, but it's...JUST not userfriendly!!! At least it's not easy for me. Right now I feel very unsettled and close but far from some unidentifiable change. I have within me wealths of knowledge and potential and desire, and I'm struggling within myself to stay within a system designed to see me fail. Many would call me a critical race THEORIST, but the idea that truth is relative is...ironically...true. Over the years I've been told how my great job isn't good enough...and I'm tired. I'm tired of working for immoral, incompetent fools and being confined to the misguided directives of someone of lesser intellect...