It's been a while...

And I don't like to go this long without expressing myself...but I've been busy...I've discovered I have a love for this...even if no one reads it...I enjoy putting my thoughts down, and hey, someone could get some sort of help from all my talkin, lol...so anyway...a friend (future friend maybe) posed an interesting question..."How can you pursue a dream, if you don't know what your dream is?" And yeah, I know....DUH...you think...but you know how sometimes you get that urge to drive, but you don't have ANY particular destination in mind, you figure you'll figure it out while you're going? That's I guess what I thought my life would be like...I wanted to be free to pursue my goals...but didn't know what they were...or so I thought...I realized that I had KNOCKED my own dreams!!! Can you believe that? Well I can...I still know all the gifts and talents that God has placed in me...but it has been so long with nothing happening that I figured that was pretty much over, give that up...ya dig? But my dreams of having my own publication, radio show, salon amongst other things are not dead...all these years I have fought to attain certain things...trying to make sure I didn't have to ask anybody for anything, make sure I wasn't a burden on anyone else...and at the same time I was killing the spark inside of me...I knew that because I had certain obligations, there were certain things that I was going to have to sacrifice....dang near turned out to be everything. But now I have new hope...I know what I want to do, and I'm taking the steps to do it...God willing, I will be in the position to operate in those things that He's blessed me to be talented with...and everyone in my life will benefit from it...have I been the most faithful servant? Absolutely not...but I love God and I want my life to exemplify allllllll the things He's done for and through me...Ya'll look out for ya girl, I'm about to be grindin!!!

Not a good feeling...

I don't think I've ever felt more lonely than I do right this moment...just really feeling the fullness of the separation from most of the people I care about recently...I hate to sound like such a whiner...but my emotions are always so STRONG, and it's just how I feel...I have such a desire to be closer to my family, and I could...but the force that always seems so much stronger in me is being alone...I've always been alone...I never visted relatives as a child...and I was kept from my brothers and all my mother's side of the family...so while it is torturous for me, it comes naturally for me to isolate myself...sounds crazy huh? I have no idea what to do with these feelings...no idea how to manage...I want to feel normal...not that I feel crazy all the time...but I just want to be able to interact normally, without all the extra...Lord help...I think that with time, it will change...but for now...it's quite unmanageable...I wish I could let someone feel what it's like to feel so detached...separate from everyone you love...*sigh*

Au Naturale...

yeah...so I just recently went natural...and I'm getting used to it...I think I shall chronicle allllllllllll the different emotions I'm feeling, as I feel them...so far, I feel a little self conscious, I lie my hair, but am always aware of others looks, thoughts and what not...who cares? one might ask...I do I guess...I think that because I'm so used to my hair being a certain way...this extreme change has me doubting, and of course my crazy mind is looking for someone to take its side and say, not go get a relaxer heffa! Lol...I know that in time I will get more and more used to it...I am getting more used to it every day that passes...however, I have my moments where I think to myself that I may have been much more beautiful before...OH...but I know that won't always be the case...

I forgive...

HOW do you forgive? See, everyone is different, and some things affect others more deeply...but what are the methods used to forgive someone who hurt you? I have heard and have watched people tell others, even told others myself that they have to let go of the pain they feel and give it to the Lord...hm. I think that just might be the right thing...however...HOW do you do that? You know? When you're a sensitive person, who loves so fully...who trusts WHOLEHEARTEDLY and freely the people in your circle, and that circle becomes broken, how do you repair that? Time? Space? Prayer most certainly...but what's the right combination? I have multiple people in my life from childhood on up that I need to truly forgive...and I've prayed...and prayed...and prayed...and tried...you know how they say push until something happens? Or fake it til you make it? Oh Lord I've done that...and still feel as if I'm only half way there...what IS it that helps you hold onto a little of that pain you felt...pushing you away from those who have almost certainoy forgiven themselves and moved on with their own agendas...I know for a fact that you can't move forward while holding onto a past ought...it's funny so many things in my life that hurt I hardly think about...but it's the occasion when I do that has my brow furrowed in worry...I don't want to still feel a little prick of pain when I think of certain people, or when I go see them, you know? I guess I will just continue to follow the same regimen...pray, pray, pray.

So...what ABOUT your friends?

In one of my classes, I have discovered that one of my "strengths" is that I'm a relator. And that doesn't mean what you may first think of...because when I first saw it, I was like...huh? So here's the deal...I don't have many friends...and that's a natural thing. My personality naturally makes me carefully select a few people who will stick by me for the long run...I don't really do a whole lot of making new friends...I'm a "why fix what's not broken?" kinda gal...don't get me wrong, I love people...I really do! I love to talk to total strangers, and I LOVE being around people, I love meeting new people, and will carry on a conversation with almost anyone...but when it comes to friendships, I believe in a much deeper connection. I really believe that a friend is someone that I can absolutely count on, even when it's inconvenient for them, because I will do the same, you know? I LOVE my friends, and will do almost anything for them if it's within my means to do so. And I don't believe in betrayal, there's not a friend I have that I would betray, or think of betraying, because they're just that...my friend. I think a lot of people have drawn the short stick on the friend thing...I often here stories and complaints from people about their friends...and I think to myself...hm...that's SO not my story! I have been blessed to have friends with me from childhood, and more recently a couple of ladies that I know will be in my life for the rest of it have come along, although at some points the relationshiop is still tentative for me. I really think though, that more people ought to consider the types of friends that they NEED in their lives before they just connect to someone...funny thing...I ASKED God to show me those that truly had my best interest at heart...and He's been showing me now for the past couple of years...it's truly made a big difference in my life. I really hope that others' sense of self preservation kick in...because nothing hurts worse than having someone in your life that is dysfunctional, because they'll end up hurting you, even if it's not on purpose...believe me, I know. Which leads me to my next blog...