The morning after

Ok...so I typically read over my thoughts when I feel more clear headed. They are such...sad thoughts! And when you're feeling mostly ok, it's hard to re-live the moment or see the evidence of it. Just sharing in an attempt to show what SOME folks days might look like. I can't say everyone or most people deal or experience like I do, but I can imagine the feelings of helplessness and paranoia can be similar. Check on your people. That's all I can say!

Idk

So I'm typing this as an attempt at purging some toxic thoughts. I have been really struggling lately with the typical overwhelming feelings of nothingness in regard to myself. I feel overwhelmed by paranoid thoughts that people will think I'm crazy or already do...I don't want to call/text/facetime any one of my friends because I feel like I'm a downer. I am fully aware of the fact that we cannot compare ourselves or our lives to the ones we see around us, but I honestly wish I might snatch just a tenth of an ounce of the joy and wonder I've seen in those I love! They would say I don't know what they deal with and I'd say TOUCHE! I wish I wasn't heavy, wish I didn't overthink. Wish I didn't need certain things or people...but here we are. You know...I always used to say people don't get me...but I'm to a point now where I don't get me. I am honestly daily pushing myself further and getting outside of my comfort zone and pushing myself to be more open, more whatthefuckever people tell me I need to be to be happy. It ain't working for me on a consistent basis. I need some relief. I just need me to be better. Honestly I'm tired of dealing with the emotional tug of war. Tired of feeling like nobody gets it. Tired of crying by myself. Tired of feeling paranoid. Tired of feeling like each hard day is a reset. A countdown to the next time I feel down. Scared no one will be able to handle this on a romantic level. Sincerely afraid that I'll be typing similarly in another year. I am struggling, mostly silently. I call my girls sometimes and share with them that I'm having a moment, and it's so embarrassing to me to have to feel that way, and feel the need to share it. It's embarrassing when you feel your friend doesn't exactly know what to say, how to be there for you. It SUCKS to know that maybe those things are all in your head, and your friend really doesn't mind you calling, but you won't call anyway cuz there's still the chance they aren't really ready or don't really mean it OR just feeling like folks have enough to deal with on their own. There are so many things I feel I'm not worthy of, and I don't see myself having the things I desire. They say how you think is how you live, so how do I reverse that? Like...I don't want to end up dead because I didn't properly handle my own issues! That's not me saying I want to kill myself, but moreso understanding that I have these moments of just exhaustion, and I know that it can go from being tired to being tired and wishing you could fall asleep and never wake up, to daydreaming of driving your car off the road while on the highway...to all types of things. That's not dramatic, those are literal thoughts I've had over the years...things I could never IMAGINE doing, but when I'm feeling super low, honestly my thoughts go to "I'm tired...etc." Seriously...I'm 32...will be 33 in a few weeks...but I swear to y'all all I see of me is the child that was not worthy enough to be cared for and I carry that with me as a woman. Not always like this, all emotional and whatnot, but in my apprehension and fear of getting involved, in my fear of building friendships with folks...my total lack of interest in social events outside of networking, my struggle to be productive from day to day. Add to it my lack of serious suitors or relationship experience...and you've got a real shit storm of self pity! I think about all the people who think these mental struggles don't exist...and then I wonder why do I even care about that? It's because I don't know what to think of my own damn issues. I'm not lazy, I'm just beat down mentally. Unfortunately I'm not sure how to rescue me and I'm all I've got. I'm tired of fighting everything. Tired tired tired. I am sincerely not a jealous person. I believe that what is coming to you is coming to you, it's yours. I just wonder if my lot is cast to have me watch others enjoy life while I suffer through, feeling like I have no control. So many people say you are in control of your life, and that you have to choose, but honestly, I haven't ever really felt in control. I've looked for approval my whole life. Someone who sees me as good, and valuable, because I'm not sold based on history.

All these things

So I find myself again being silent as I begin to feel a bit overwhelmed. I sometimes feel super overworked at the prospect of a daily fight to feel good. It's not like every moment is agonizing or all consuming, but the moments that are hard ARE tough. I am always thinking and rethinking and overthinking every interaction, each moment, going over how I contributed or what I took away from these things. I find myself always worrying over how I'm perceived as I take my journey even though I know, have openly acknowledged that I know my journey is my own and that everyone won't be there for me or be empathetic or understanding. Some people will never understand that at 32, going on 33, I still cry for my mother, that I still cry over the abandonment of my father and the things that happened after that loss. I still struggle with the way the first 17 years of my life went. I'm sorry! No matter how many times someone tells you it's okay, and that it is okay to have to process those moments where you feel helpless or hopeless you STILL get this overwhelming feeling that it's not okay, and that you somehow need to buck up and get on with your life. But that's neither here nor there. I guess what has been tough for me lately is feeling as though I've hit this plateau in my journey, and I feel like I'm being boxed in again. I feel like my low moments are starting to really get to me, and I admit that I'm terrified of the process of labeling what's wrong with me! I've attempted to sit in therapy with a few doctors and after a few things I've noticed within myself I am definitely committing to the idea of sitting with someone regularly to help myself reach my next height in mental health. I have challenges that I know affect my day to day, and I need to address them. I'm still learning to deal with conflict in a constructive manner but I admit that my experiences, and my feelings will always be a sensitive spot. Not just my feelings but the topic of emotional baggage and experiencing life altering events will always, always bring about the defensive part in me because I know what it's like to be the person who can't let go, who can't move on, who can't get over it. I personally thought that I had dealt with my anger, and my hurt when it comes to my past but even as I type I find myself actually warming up, my eyes tearing up and all, because it's SO FRUSTRATING to see my situation this one way, and be unable to yield. As I grow through my experiences I am always having to give myself permission to deal. I am also trying to figure out where that balance is, so that I'm not freaking out every few minutes. I think that I was so high, so happy with my progress that something had to maybe pull me back, I'm not sure. But I've been so overly emotional lately about things that I have looked in the face and said, it's okay to feel this way. But I've got to begin to speak over myself in a way that is positive, and I have to shut out the voices of others. It is literally therapeutic for me to type this right now. I want to be able to interact with my friends and feel safe expressing. I want to be myself without fear of being rejected, or ridiculed, and in fact, if I'm honest I'd prefer to be myself without CARING whether I'm rejected or ridiculed. I want to be satisfied with what I have, and yet I am still fighting to let go of wanting something that will never exist. But I do again, find myself longing for a piece of my identity. I am so very, very big on connection and family and with my group it's so tough to really learn your history and it kills me. It bothers me to this day that I can't tell you MUCH about who my parents were, although for the first 9 years of my life, that's who I was with...my mom, then my dad. I feel so much resentment for the lack of connection to my blood, and for feeling like I'm not shit for building a family outside of that. I hate hate hate that I've been clocking SO MUCH ANGER within myself lately. I've got to really get into a session and speak to it. I want to love, and openly, and freely, without fear, and I know I know I know it starts with me dealing with this. I have to get over this hump! And I REALLY have to stop giving a fuck about what people think. Not any of them have been around when I've been in my lowest moments, and I cannot believe I allow the voices in my head (I have to admit that I know parts of it has to be some paranoia) along with the murmurs of a few BOTHER ME! But honestly y'all (all 2 of the folks that read my blog) I've lived my whole life trying to get through the pain of my childhood. It hurts because a LOT OF MY FAMILY has experienced multiple forms of abuse and I've watched them "deal with it" by creating more dysfunction, and I WILL NOT. I refuse, even if it takes the rest of my life.

Sticking with it

I pride myself on being able to admit the shortcomings I'm aware of in myself. I think it is EXTREMELY important to be able to admit that there are things that are needing improvement in your life. I have been very focused on changing my approach to my own pursuits and my attitude toward my own success. Typically, I find it hard to stay motivated when I'm faced with challenge after challenge or dealing with difficult or flaky people. For some reason though, I have decided that enough is enough and if I don't believe in me, then who will??? I have started my online radio show, it streams weekly now, and I LOOOOOVE it lol. I love to talk and love to share, so it's exciting and I think it's perfect for me! The people that are supposed to be involved have been sent my way, and we will rock out with our cocks out (no I don't have one) and get this show going! I pushed through, and it's paying off.

The hills and valleys

One thing I can say is most consistent in my life is the endless flow of ups and downs. Life is full of them, I understand. But as I navigate, I find myself having harder days, and harder nights. Harder moments. They were for a time, not as frequent, and now, it seems as if any moment where I'm in my home for an extended period of time, I have to fight off the deepest melancholy. It's hard for me to be productive or do much more than lay in my bed. I hate to share because I feel embarrassed, but I need to share in order to move past the moment. I find myself discontent with my friendships and other relationships. I am looking for something that I guess isn't there or that I'm not seeing. I don't know if I'm to blame for my own lack of feeling supported. I find it easier to relate to those who get overwhelmingly tired, and over it all. I feel frustrated bc I think that I can't figure out how to redirect my life. I keep failing myself bc I don't see the end of this difficult period. I feel like I'm being overly emotional bc I can't control how I'm feeling. I feel like I'm not doing enough, not putting in enough work, or not meant to see the things I see happening all around me happen TO me. Everyone says they see my growth. I've grown, that's true. But I still deal with pain, and hurt, and I still can't identify the movement to get past it. I'm not obsessing over my past, I'm dealing with that. But what is stuck with me is the perspective it's given me of myself. I can identify the issue, I can speak to the pain, I can mull it over, but what doesn't change is the fact that it's there. People always say you have to be willing to do things on your own. To get things done for yourself, because that's all you're going to have is self. But what do you do when self is damaged? When self doesn't believe? When self struggles, and can't find anything to encourage? I know that I'm supposed to be grateful that I made it through circumstances that were beyond my control. I understand there's an expectation of me to be beyond my circumstances bc so many others have made it against all odds. But that's not how I feel in these tough moments. In these down moments I feel that I haven't made it, but I've given the appearance that I did. I don't feel like I've done well, and I know that I'm struggling. I've made poor decisions that have only helped bring my spirits lower. I'm working on music, and perhaps that will be the savior. I'm meditating, perhaps that will help being calm. I'm praying, perhaps that will bring peace.