All these things

So I find myself again being silent as I begin to feel a bit overwhelmed. I sometimes feel super overworked at the prospect of a daily fight to feel good. It's not like every moment is agonizing or all consuming, but the moments that are hard ARE tough. I am always thinking and rethinking and overthinking every interaction, each moment, going over how I contributed or what I took away from these things. I find myself always worrying over how I'm perceived as I take my journey even though I know, have openly acknowledged that I know my journey is my own and that everyone won't be there for me or be empathetic or understanding. Some people will never understand that at 32, going on 33, I still cry for my mother, that I still cry over the abandonment of my father and the things that happened after that loss. I still struggle with the way the first 17 years of my life went. I'm sorry! No matter how many times someone tells you it's okay, and that it is okay to have to process those moments where you feel helpless or hopeless you STILL get this overwhelming feeling that it's not okay, and that you somehow need to buck up and get on with your life. But that's neither here nor there. I guess what has been tough for me lately is feeling as though I've hit this plateau in my journey, and I feel like I'm being boxed in again. I feel like my low moments are starting to really get to me, and I admit that I'm terrified of the process of labeling what's wrong with me! I've attempted to sit in therapy with a few doctors and after a few things I've noticed within myself I am definitely committing to the idea of sitting with someone regularly to help myself reach my next height in mental health. I have challenges that I know affect my day to day, and I need to address them. I'm still learning to deal with conflict in a constructive manner but I admit that my experiences, and my feelings will always be a sensitive spot. Not just my feelings but the topic of emotional baggage and experiencing life altering events will always, always bring about the defensive part in me because I know what it's like to be the person who can't let go, who can't move on, who can't get over it. I personally thought that I had dealt with my anger, and my hurt when it comes to my past but even as I type I find myself actually warming up, my eyes tearing up and all, because it's SO FRUSTRATING to see my situation this one way, and be unable to yield. As I grow through my experiences I am always having to give myself permission to deal. I am also trying to figure out where that balance is, so that I'm not freaking out every few minutes. I think that I was so high, so happy with my progress that something had to maybe pull me back, I'm not sure. But I've been so overly emotional lately about things that I have looked in the face and said, it's okay to feel this way. But I've got to begin to speak over myself in a way that is positive, and I have to shut out the voices of others. It is literally therapeutic for me to type this right now. I want to be able to interact with my friends and feel safe expressing. I want to be myself without fear of being rejected, or ridiculed, and in fact, if I'm honest I'd prefer to be myself without CARING whether I'm rejected or ridiculed. I want to be satisfied with what I have, and yet I am still fighting to let go of wanting something that will never exist. But I do again, find myself longing for a piece of my identity. I am so very, very big on connection and family and with my group it's so tough to really learn your history and it kills me. It bothers me to this day that I can't tell you MUCH about who my parents were, although for the first 9 years of my life, that's who I was with...my mom, then my dad. I feel so much resentment for the lack of connection to my blood, and for feeling like I'm not shit for building a family outside of that. I hate hate hate that I've been clocking SO MUCH ANGER within myself lately. I've got to really get into a session and speak to it. I want to love, and openly, and freely, without fear, and I know I know I know it starts with me dealing with this. I have to get over this hump! And I REALLY have to stop giving a fuck about what people think. Not any of them have been around when I've been in my lowest moments, and I cannot believe I allow the voices in my head (I have to admit that I know parts of it has to be some paranoia) along with the murmurs of a few BOTHER ME! But honestly y'all (all 2 of the folks that read my blog) I've lived my whole life trying to get through the pain of my childhood. It hurts because a LOT OF MY FAMILY has experienced multiple forms of abuse and I've watched them "deal with it" by creating more dysfunction, and I WILL NOT. I refuse, even if it takes the rest of my life.