The hills and valleys

One thing I can say is most consistent in my life is the endless flow of ups and downs. Life is full of them, I understand. But as I navigate, I find myself having harder days, and harder nights. Harder moments. They were for a time, not as frequent, and now, it seems as if any moment where I'm in my home for an extended period of time, I have to fight off the deepest melancholy. It's hard for me to be productive or do much more than lay in my bed. I hate to share because I feel embarrassed, but I need to share in order to move past the moment. I find myself discontent with my friendships and other relationships. I am looking for something that I guess isn't there or that I'm not seeing. I don't know if I'm to blame for my own lack of feeling supported. I find it easier to relate to those who get overwhelmingly tired, and over it all. I feel frustrated bc I think that I can't figure out how to redirect my life. I keep failing myself bc I don't see the end of this difficult period. I feel like I'm being overly emotional bc I can't control how I'm feeling. I feel like I'm not doing enough, not putting in enough work, or not meant to see the things I see happening all around me happen TO me. Everyone says they see my growth. I've grown, that's true. But I still deal with pain, and hurt, and I still can't identify the movement to get past it. I'm not obsessing over my past, I'm dealing with that. But what is stuck with me is the perspective it's given me of myself. I can identify the issue, I can speak to the pain, I can mull it over, but what doesn't change is the fact that it's there. People always say you have to be willing to do things on your own. To get things done for yourself, because that's all you're going to have is self. But what do you do when self is damaged? When self doesn't believe? When self struggles, and can't find anything to encourage? I know that I'm supposed to be grateful that I made it through circumstances that were beyond my control. I understand there's an expectation of me to be beyond my circumstances bc so many others have made it against all odds. But that's not how I feel in these tough moments. In these down moments I feel that I haven't made it, but I've given the appearance that I did. I don't feel like I've done well, and I know that I'm struggling. I've made poor decisions that have only helped bring my spirits lower. I'm working on music, and perhaps that will be the savior. I'm meditating, perhaps that will help being calm. I'm praying, perhaps that will bring peace.