Brief reflection

I said I would be more transparent so that folks could see the hills and valleys of my journey. Today I just so happen to be a bit frustrated because I am at this point where I'm literally fighting to maintain peace while working to overhaul my habits, my thinking, my approach, my life. Trying to maintain that balance, you know? Every now and then I still get overwhelmed by thoughts of my past but only because I struggle in my present. I take responsibility for my choices but I can't help but feel like I was SET UP. I was never given a CHANCE to be well and to make good decisions. Even at THIS age I still have to deal with things that are a product of the past. So it's like...dang can I get a moment please? A brief reprieve? And then I've expressed it...and the feeling fades until next time...

Restructuring and overhaul...

I will now use this blog as my primary communication when I have messages about anything related to mental health, trauma and my experiences overall. I started to remove all the previous content but I think it is important that you be able to see authentic ebbs and flows of my journey. A lot of them are personal, some of them reflect so much hurt and brokenness, and I am okay with that! I want more people to see and be able to understand that they are not alone in the weight that they feel and the pressure that they are burdened by. That being said, let's hop right in it! This book writing journey has been quite an experience for me! I feel like I have always kind of walked my own path and done my own thing, but tackling all of these EMOTIONS was just well beyond anything that I wanted to ever do. I am sure some people would say that based on my attitudes and behaviors over time that it was evident that something was going on, yet I still was able to go through life pretty much hiding the depth of the things that I had experienced. I think one thing that is scary is the factor of disbelief. While there are some people who like attention and will pretty much do or say whatever to get it, when it comes to trauma and the subjects of molestation, abuse, neglect and rape I think that it is important we learn to listen and allow someone to feel safe sharing what is likely a very scary and private, vulnerable moment. A major reason why people keep silent when they have experienced trauma is they feel like they are at fault, or as though they did something to deserve what happened. Often when children or youth speak up about things they have gone through they are encouraged to bury it and to move along because everyone goes through things. This is not the way. Suppressing these things only leads to bigger and worse issues down the line. I think it is imperative that we stop dismissing the fact that emotional issues ARE ISSUES. Feelings are not something to just get over, they have to be acknowledged, processed and dealt with.

I'm so awkward lmao

So...men compliment me, men come up to me, men ask me out...and it's SO disconcerting to me lmao...don't get me wrong...I like a good compliment as much if not more than the next chick. What always surprises me is JUST HOW MUCH someone finds me attractive. It's just very interesting to me, because I wonder what exactly it is that they see! This isn't a "I have low self esteem" post, just me saying I genuinely feel I'm just a regular gal, lol...but hey, if you like it I love it!

Going home...

Good morning! Okay, so I went home, and it was the most refreshing experience. I always tend to reflect on my experiences as they relate to my journey to peace, and I like to chronicle my growth! Firstly, let me say just how much I value my circle of friends. We are all a little nuts, fully amazing...we probably pack more amazing in than any one group of friends should be allowed to have. We for the most part have been family since high school. I say family because we have been through the most together, and I just bless God that we all are closer at this stage than ever, because we need each other! At any rate...my friends are amazing! I love, love, love them, and they have no idea how much! Liiiiiiike...since I've relocated I have missed my friends a lot, and it's made adjusting a little bit more difficult because making friends isn't easy! It's almost like dating lol...you find someone then gotta try them out to see if they work out! But anyway, this weekend felt like everything came full circle for me. I realized just how much love I have for my folks and how much I value them. I thought over a lot of the things we BEEN through...and it just made me love them that much more. To be able to make it through your life with a group of people, through loving each other, hating each other lmao, travelling, singing and all our shenanigans we are STILL here! Like...STILL! I know that in this first year of being on another side of the country it was easy to darn near forget the strength of the bonds I have at home, because naturally we don't speak as much and I don't get to SEE my friends. But I know I felt their absence! I questioned myself and my move even at times! But being home this weekend solidified that our bond is incomparable and that I won't be moving back to Indiana lmao. I've never actually felt connected like that...many people that I love won't understand what I mean when I say that. But up until I came home and got to see my loved ones faces I didn't quite get it. Everyone kept asking me how I felt coming home and I'm like...I felt great! It was so great to see everybody! I loved it. But then again, God has so richly blessed me to be able to receive and give love fully. I LOVE my friends and family, blood or otherwise.

Today is difficult...

Today is difficult! First today is difficult because I know that I have caused my financial strain...and I repeat the same cycle. Today is difficult because I realize that I struggle to interact with others and have open communication because most interactions leave me feeling defensive. I'm frustrated to have to say that. Today I am frustrated because I feel like I'm still that young girl who needs to be taught and directed...but wasn't. I don't feel like I know enough, that I have enough drive to continue to change my habits. I don't feel I have the type of support I need, and I feel like I wouldn't be able to accept it anyway. A part of me just wants to give it all up because I don't think I'm making it...and a part of me wants to give up because I don't think I CAN make it. I hate feeling like people don't understand, and I hate feeling like I need to express. I get tired of being encouraged, and I get tired of not having help. I don't want to share my life, but I don't think I can survive if I don't. I hate feeling like I'm too old to feel like this. I hate feeling like it's okay to feel how I do but society says I should have my shit together. My shit's not together...who can help with that? I hate that my life is largely centered around the effects of my childhood. I hate that I can't get past my low moods. I hate that I had to cry today, and I hate that no one was there to tell me it will get better. I hate having to reach out to people to tell them what's going on, and hate that no one looks for me if I stop reaching out. It's hard to admit to yourself that you might just be all fucked up...and then tomorrow, when I feel better, and motivated, I will be able to help someone who feels just like I do, but then I still will have no one to help me. Aside from a therapist. I especially hate that someone will read this and still not get it.

I realize...

I'm introspective often. This doesn't mean that I always process correctly or react correctly but more so that I am constantly observing myself with the goal of understanding just how I'm processing information and emotions. In my romantic endeavors I have always had a NEED for the person with whom I was connected to, so much so that if they decided it wasn't for them, it left me devastated because so much of my worth was tied to the way people felt about me. Someone deciding that they didn't want to pursue me made me feel like I was unworthy of love. Totally not their fault! I have grown so much in the last few years that I UNDERSTAND that I am not for everyone and that everyone is not for me. Unfortunately, I don't as easily give my trust, and I don't as easily open up. I sometimes misunderstand and I sometimes get defensive. It's a natural reaction but I'm to the point that I can recognize it and acknowledge and talk about it. I will one day be able to stop feeling like I have to defend myself against invisible threats, but for now...it just is what it is. I pray that I continue to dwell in that moment and embrace my encounters as they come. Right now though my life is on a path that is for me but then again it's not ABOUT me. I so realize things are just not all about me. I feel so humbled lately with the press of this book and the idea of speaking to crowds to share MY story, and help someone get better that I have no choice but to continue to grow. This is a rambling, but I needed to type it out! I'm content to wait for someone who doesn't mind my whole. My story is a part of me, and certain things are just going to be an ongoing work. I will never be perfect, but I promise to be always pressing. Whether or not I'm pressing hard enough or fast enough for some or not I have to let go...which sucks, but I mean...things suck in life. I get that too. We all go through sucky things, whether our life started excellent or SUPER sucky.

Why must I feel like that?

So I woke this morning feeling very anxious/worried/off. I immediately got to praying. I also meditate, because I feel I have the tools to change my internal climate. I wanted to talk it out...so here I am, typing it out. I initially was feeling some stress because I'm working on so many things at once. I'm working on finances, working on this book, COMPLETELY overwhelmed in starting up this nonprofit. I believe that it will all come together though. I have to discipline my spending, and I think that it is coming. I've certainly gotten better with everything thank God. So anyway, I began to think on this past weekend. I'm in a new area, it's been a year this upcoming week! I have met some WONDERFUL people...and I'm not surprised, I love people. So that's good! Friendships have always been important to me because I grew up without many close ties to anyone in my eyes. I felt disconnected so my friendship circle is important because I simply don't fool with everyone like THAT. Whenever conflict arises I shy from it...seriously shy from it! I don't enjoy having to spaz on anyone I consider cool with me. I'd rather just distance myself from you, because why should I have to feel uncomfortable because YOU can't act right? Right? I don't know. But anyway, my home is like...my space...I don't like to have any riff raff, no extra in my home. If I ask you to come over, that means I have the expectation that you will respect me, AND my home! Unfortunately I had a friend step all the way over the line, sweep it up, and keep walking...and really my anger isn't about what they did, but moreso with myself because I know I'm always going to be on the journey to complete emotional healing because I felt GUILTY that I was SO UPSET. I felt bad because in my mind, there's no conversation to be had, I just cut things off. The idea that I feel like I owe someone who has offended me ANYTHING is abhorrent to me. I have to buck up, and learn how to deal with conflict! So this will be my challenge to myself. To handle things as they come and be direct, and NOT allow myself to feel like it's my fault that someone else misbehaves. I get to be friendly, I get to be attractive and sexy and all that, and that doesn't mean that I should be VIOLATED. It pisses me off that people think every friendly female is DTF. I like PEOPLE, male and female alike and I will NOT BE REDUCED to a mere sexual object. I refuse to allow ANYONE to dictate to me who I can befriend!

Why do we have to come up with titles?

I'm like, never good at coming up with titles for these things...they're my random musings, emotional or otherwise. Anyway. For the last several years I have been on this journey to mental and emotional health. I've closed some chapters, and am still working on others. Even though I have let go of the anger I felt toward so many, I do still deal with my own emotions and internal climate. I still fight this feeling that I'm unloved and unwanted, underappreciated and not nurtured enough. It makes me needy at times and it's not something I enjoy. Today I feel pretty alright, albeit tired because I was on the phone with one of my dearest friends with whom I'd had a falling out. I love our growth! Anyway...as I journey with this book and with my own therapy and things, I am really discovering all of what I am passionate about. I desire to educate, inform and assist those who have been left behind. As I think over the years, I say, well where are the folks who are here to assist those who DIDN'T get it right the first, or even the second time? I remember always feeling ashamed in my shortcomings and feeling as though I was underdeveloped. I knew nothing about finances, the importance of education and/or entrepreneurship. Coupled with my past and a complete ignorance about becoming an adult, I fumbled my way through my 20's ruining my credit, self esteem and hell everything else! Working in customer service and collections for financial institutions allowed me to learn that the general public is not well educated about the abc's of life. They aren't properly prepared to make wise and well informed decisions. I took a class that talked about the McDonaldization of the US and it was RIGHT. In every aspect we opt for what is quickest, cheapest and most convenient, even if it's not what's best. I want to spend my time assisting people who want to change their MIND, so they can change their future. I remember going through a free budget counseling program and the advisor was VERY rude. I never want to see another person go through that. It can be frustrating to try to fix finances, but it can be done! I was never someone who looked to the future and made long term plans. Long term to me is not 5 years, I'm talking ONE YEAR is long term to me. The idea of taking a year to pay off my small debt balance was soooooooooo depressing. The idea of not being able to shop, travel, hang out like I like to was devastating. I still have difficulty exercising discipline in this area, but it's gotten SO MUCH BETTER!!! If I have my way (I love you Chrisette Michele! Random I know, lol) I will be teaching seminars and hosting support groups for people like myself, who got it wrong but want to get it right!

Progression is painful.

This last year I have challenged myself in ways that I never would have been able to fathom. Ever. I moved from my hometown of 28 1/2 years (I lived in Bloomington for 1 1/2 years for school) and relocated across the country, on the east coast in an area I never even knew I'd totally fall in love with. I started my book, with the aim of helping those who have felt the way that I have, or been through some of the things I've been through. I have always had this tendency to downplay my own feelings to consider the feelings of another, which feels inauthentic to me. I enjoy being totally forthright and open with myself and others. I am learning to change my inner climate, and stop concentrating so much on trying to change my atmosphere. I realize that things will not always happen with my comfort in mind. I also realize that if I do not act to ensure my own comfort, no one else will either. It's funny, because at home I always felt that I was a flower who was stuck in her bud, never having the opportunity or enough confidence to bloom. Now that I'm in a new area, I still am having issues blooming, although I can say it's happening much faster than I thought! It's natural for me now to not even try to pursue things I've desired. It's silly really. I've wanted to go to auditions that I didn't because I talked myself out of it, procrastinated with singing because of my fear of failure, which has never really been a problem. It's all this fear of rejection I have. It's the fact that once I put that out there, it's out there, no turning back! I'm open to whatever criticism folks might have and singing...my voice is the most personal and intimate piece of me. You can sing through all your feelings and it leaves you open and raw. It's not like that for everyone, I get that, and folks who aren't into music like that may not get it either...but that's it. It's that personal. I feel much better now than I did when I woke up, nerves all over the place. All will be well. I'm doing some serious typing with this book, and I've found my co-writer, which is very, very exciting. Things are looking up!

Goin through a thang...

So, I'm on this journey to true self discovery and happiness. Inner peace if you will. Making peace with my past, my decisions and confronting my ugly...which isn't so easy to do when you don't allow yourself to think about it or even fathom that it's ACTUALLY there. I've never had anyone in my life just say to me "This is raggedy about you...I'd like you to do better." and HEARING THAT SUCKS! Initially it's easier to throw a tantrum or deflect, or convince yourself that conceding that point means you're taking ALL the responsibility for "tragedies" and mishaps, disagreements and lost relationships...it does NOT mean that. It SIMPLY MEANS that you are that much closer to being a big girl, and that much closer to getting to your goal. It means you ARE learning that allowing someone to be in that space with you does NOT diminish your power, or your independence. I was initially headed into this journey kicking and screaming...now I'm just fighting my own sensitivities. It is SO HARD to have someone check you...that's my job in my eyes. I've never, ever had a hard time telling someone else what their issues were, or giving someone my opinion on something. But me? Nah, I'm cool on your thoughts, lol...they don't matter to me cuz I'm not going to change anyway. And THAT WAS TRULY my mentality! And I meant that thang, because folks have disappointed me and hurt me and not been there when I needed them to be, whether they knew I needed them to be there or not, I held them accountable for those things. It is TIME OUT for the old, and HIGH TIME I let in the new. And I will write more and more and more as I go, but dangit, I'm gettin there! I have less bad days, and more normal days, so that's a start!

New moments, old feelings

Confronting your emotions is not an easy thing. I know that I spent a good part of my life avoiding what I really felt, although I can't say it was something I did consciously. I also believe that most people live life sorting through layers to their emotional truths. We are so often caught up in the idea of what it looks like if we express certain feelings, and even MORE caught up in the idea that we don't care what other people think. I've always had some sort of subliminal obsession with my appearance to others, and I think that's because I KNOW what I look like on the inside during moments of turmoil, or hell...just moments in general. I think what makes most people comfortable is the idea of having like minded individuals in your circle, and what SCARES us most is that our own ideas will narrow that circle. One of the things that plagues me is the idea that I will be labled or pitied because I don't see things the way folks in my world do, and my tendency to keep it to myself for fear of having to defend myself. I built a world of people around me in an effort to feel included, but it has only served to make me feel more isolated in some instances. It is a scary, scary thing to think that your differences of opinion could change your relationships...but we all know this to be true. I've had the opportunity to see myself, my selfish, victimized and emotional self! I'm not afraid anymore to admit that I feel like the world owes me a break, and that I feel like something should come easy. I also can admit to myself that I know while those feelings have been my truth at points, that they aren't things that will actually happen. I realize that I am fearful of expressing myself musically. I'm terrified of what standing on my own two feet and singing will mean for me. I'm scared to go out into that world alone, and I'm no longer afraid to admit that. Through admitting my truth, I'm hoping I will experience some freedom. Tonight I felt a heaviness and a darkness descend upon my mood...I was unsure how to ease it, and writing came to mind. Sharing my life and feelings will hopefully be therapeutic for me and anyone who has a chance to read this. I experience a BUNCH OF EMOTIONS on the daily. I feel a way about everything and have an opinion ON everything. I just do, and have always. I WISH there was some magical way for me to feel motivated to pursue my dreams again. I wish I believed in my own success...no matter what strides I've made or awesome steps I've taken, it's just gotten to be a dimmer and dimmer light shining on my package of dreams. I wish that I could say this fog will lift, but you never know! I don't know if I need to take a step to help it lift, or if I need to wait it out. Right now though, identifying the feelings is enough. I know life is short, so I have to make a move at some point, but I've lived my whole life comparing me to others, so for now, I'm willing to allow myself a little bit of "me first". So right now I'm a punk, lol...I'll be that. But hopefully soon, I can be chronicling my writing. I've said before I never could hear a sound for me. I think I have always loved listening to artists who's sound just made me FEEL them. So I'm going to do some listening, start looking for some tracks and maybe I can find me a sound. We'll see.

Thoughts.

I tend to be free in expressing myself through writing. I tend not to have many inhibitions when it comes to writing things down! Then I started to worry about how my posts really showed my internal climate. I can say now though, that I don't care because my freedom comes through my expressing truth. As a singer it's important I be able to convey my feelings. I have been on a long journey to a lot of things. I held in a lot of pain, hurt and anger at lots of people, surrounding lots of events. I feel as though I over the years began to be able to be more honest with myself about me, AND about how I felt. Once I got to a comfortable space though, I sat there, and really, REALLY tried to ignore a piece that was necessary. And truth be told I also discovered something about my feelings that I never spoke even to myself. I really genuinely thought I was angry for one reason and it turns out I was really hurt for an entirely different reason. Mad is much easier to speak on I guess! I'm a very sensitive and intuitive person. I FEEL people's energy and so when it's off it feels like a pile of bricks around me...sounds crazy but it's true! That's the best way for me to describe it. But anyway, I have a LOT of work to do on myself, but I was able to address people that I wouldn't have and haste myself and my truth with them. It meant the world to me to be able to do that because I hadn't. I carried a burden heavy for at least 13 years. If I can face that obstacle and step toward overcoming, I know I can handle everything else. Next thing is...I want to sing, and I'm SCARED. I hid in groups for so many years I don't even know how to push myself forward! I know that I have to though in order to start to feel some sort of peace. I want to start to help young women with stories like mine also. I believe I truly can help because I remember feeling like it was silly to be hurt for so long, to be scared to say anything. To hold everything in and be crazy on the inside. To not be able to truly connect to people or accept what those relationships offered. And also to try to be someone you're not in order to feel I fit SOMEWHERE. I'm still on my journey but trust I'm very far from the starting line. I'm now ready to work!

2015

New year...no resolutions! I do feel the sense of newness, new opportunity, new attitude...new new! Last year I made a major transition and moved across country after living my whole 30 years in Indiana. I was stuck in a place where I wasn't doing anything I wanted and I blamed everything around me for those decisions. I had always wanted to live on the east coast. Always...and then it happened! It's been 6 months...and they've been interesting! I've learned SO MUCH ABOUT ME. You can move, but you can't change you...not right away at least. I have the opportunity to start OVER...to release, relax and fulfill many of my desires. It's not that it won't be challenging...because it WILL...emotionally, financially...and I can't be lazy any more! SMH I don't have any excuse for laziness in this new year. Sure, I'm still transitioning, but I can get it together!!!!