Hey There...

I probably share more than most on this blog thingy, but hey, I'm a singer, performer...therefore somewhat of an exhibitionist, right? And...this is really random, but I'm watching black girls rock, and Jill Scott is truly my performance idol. Seriously. Anyway, back to me, lol...sometimes it takes a minor incident to trigger the awareness that you're dealing with some major issues!

I'm just talking to those that come from a similar background or situation of course...

Being from a small city, and having big ideas has never been an easy thing...dealing with the small mindedness of those that live here, or think they know me, or they have some grand idea as to who or what I should be, do, how I should act...as if they know me better right? I'm a christian, yes...but I'm not a carbon copy of the rest of them...sometimes I wonder about that. I have much different thoughts and ideas. They nag, they poke, and they prod. To step outside of what you're taught so that you can actually LEARN is so much harder than most would think...but people have these impossible, unspoken expectations of you! Most of which are astounding, as I'm unsure when those began to matter...I think that most of all I want to take time to just walk in whatever direction I feel, without offending. Now we all know that just is NOT going to happen. But I want to be brave enough to pursue anyway.

Shouts to those who have endured suffocating expectations.

singlehood sucks...

When you don't want to be single. Yes, yes I know, "It's not time", or, "Enjoy yourself now, marriage is work..." OK, I GOT IT. And really, it's not marriage I'm looking for or wanting, but a relationship with a hard working, trustworthy man would NOT be objected to. And it's RIDICULOUS THAT I'M STILL SINGLE. And I do feel that way at times, I'm not always thinking about it, but I have my moments. I didn't get married young, or have kids early and I'm TWENTY SEVEN years old! It's not wrong or odd that I get lonely, or want a man. Hell I'm going to be twenty eight in a few more months...I'd like to have someone decent by then. I'm not perfect, and I know I'm aggressive and outspoken, but shoot, I'm a darn good woman, and I take care of mine...I deserve a good guy. I've made my mistakes, talked to men I shouldn't have, don't things I shouldn't have, but who hasn't??? I get tired of people asking me about it, or saying they're surprised I'm not married, or telling me AFTER they're married or booed up that they always wanted to talk to me. Dangit I'm sick of not meeting quality men!!!!!!!!! #endrant

Feelings today...

I definitely am a little frustrated with the world, lol...and why don't I feel inspired to write on good days?!?!?

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I haven't blogged in a long time, and I wouldn't have today if I didn't feel the need to express myself so urgently. I tried to talk to a friend, but they were unavailable. I found out something through less than integral means, but that doesn't change what I now know. I don't want to deal with the knowledge I acquired so much as how I feel as a result. I'm hurt, only because I didn't know prior to giving a hell of a lot. I'm not upset about the giving, not upset that I was TOO open. I wanted to see what it would be like now that I'm in a different place. Now that I have a healthy frame of mind, I wanted to know how well I could handle it. I thought I did amazingly well. I enjoyed myself, let loose a little, gave in to the moment...it meant a lot more to me than I let on of course. And at the very end...someone definitely took a pin and burst my bubble. And I feel foolish. Very much so. You can't expect for someone to feel like you do, that's just silly. I just have a hard time with the more "emotional" emotions. Who was to know that I would cry over something so...so...I don't know what to even call it. No one can be considered wrong in this situation, that would be crazy. It still doesn't change what I know, and how I feel about it. Damn. It's just that I feel everything so deeply, you know? Like, good or bad, I totally immerse myself in that feeling...it's heady. So when something makes me feel bad, I want for it to be over, and I begin to put it off, thinking I'm doing away with it when I'm really just storing it. Now I try to take it in, deal with it, let it live a little and let go. I hope I can continue to do so. But I automatically want to reject the source of that pain.

I never quite understood I guess...

I don't want to spend my whole life trying to figure out how to live it. As of late, other's opinions have become less and less important, leading me to the discovery that I have no idea what path I want to take in life. The scriptures that say that God will give you your desires are of none effect when you have none. I've pushed for other people's visions to come true but not my own. I've felt like I needed to be elsewhere but stayed in the same place for fear of failure, and that's stupid. I'll be dead at this rate, never having pursued a thing I wanted for myself. Let's do it. :O)

Mother's Day again...

And you know, I've been without my mother for almost 20 years, and it is a wonder to me that some years are harder than others. This year is one of the harder ones I'm thinking. I also lost my grandmother a little while back. Loss is hard I tell you. There's not much I can do but pray and keep it moving! Anyway, I think it's hard because I definitely have my times where I just wish I could talk to MY mother, and then they have this big day where all these people just shower their mothers with love. I wish I could! But this year I'm going to allow myself to grieve for the loss, and not suppress. I'm just going to deal with it! It can't be that bad to just allow myself to feel, so I'm going to do it. The truth is, I wish I had had at least a chance to have a mother...

Selfish...

I've heard previously that I'm a selfish person. The definition is below:
devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

Now, with that definition being above...I'll have to say...HELL NO I'M NOT. There was a time in my life where I had to ask help for everything. I couldn't take care of myself, wasn't doing well, and had to depend on others a lot. And admittedly I believe I felt like if you have it and I don't...help! And perhaps that was wrong, but I was young, so what do you expect??? Now as an adult, I admittedly cater to my own desires, because I DON'T have someone who is interested in what I want. I'm not in a relationship, my parents are deceased, my brothers are grown and have their own families...so, isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Make myself happy? I don't do it at the expense of others, so what's wrong with that???

I think I've stated previously that in my family, the relationships are definitely one sided. I'm expected to keep up with everyone else...only a few...no, correction, I have ONE cousin who calls me once a month, but other than that, I'm expected to visit, call, and otherwise keep in touch. Is it selfish that I would like someone to check on ME? I don't think so.

I like things the way I like them...that is true. But lately I've really learned to go with the flow. I can make a suggestion and people decide they want to go another route and I say ok, even if I think my thought was much more efficient or better, or whatever. I can't win them all, and I get that.

In my friendships I'm trying to get better, and I think they are all good, wonderful people who love me, and I love them. I want to be able to show them that I care about them, and I want to be certain they really care about me also. I'm learning not to focus on myself so much, and to allow them to share themselves with me, and not make it about me in the process. THAT is a big admission! I made that admission FOREVER ago. It is what it is, and I am who I am. I KNOW me, can many people say that?

In relationships? I don't know...we all have our shortcomings. I just have to learn that no one will have EVERYTHING I'm looking for, but there are certain things I don't have to settle for either. The aggressive, outspoken person that I am understands fully how to behave in a relationship, but of course I have my flaws. Some will be able to deal, some will not. :O)

I'm working on being able to hear about myself...make sense? I don't do it well...but I'm getting better!

It's rough sometimes!!!

This isn't a sad post, more like an expression of feelings. I'm having the most ridiculous issues with my femininity and feeling sexy and girlie and all of that!!! My locs are providing a challenge for me, and today I was thinking...screw it, cut them off! Ay yi yi! I don't want to relax my hair again ever because it was so unhealthy, but I promise this natural hair thing is a struggle some days. PLUS, I'm single, which is cool, but then I'm very picky when it comes to men, but it seems like I have my moments where I want what I once had...doesn't have to be the same person, although that would be nice, but just to have someone who I know I can trust, and who trusts me equally, and is my best friend. That's what I miss...I wasn't ready before, and I'm not all the way ready now, but I'm getting there. Patience...patience, and I'm just going to focus on pushing my career.

I can't even lie...

I feel so blessed and fortunate to just be here...I've gone through the most hectic of rollercoasters, and just dealing with the issues of faith, the emotional setbacks and letdowns, and this year? I'm all about pushing forward and realizing my dreams. I'm done complaining, don't just waiting, I have to make moves! I'm fighting to do that. I'm going to go down and do what I need to do to get it popping...period. I have so many ideas, so many aspirations and I have always been afraid to put myself out there on a limb and try to pursue because I fear failure, or just didn't have enough faith to believe that I could be one of those people who could be standing somewhere telling someone how I made it happen, and enjoying my personal success. First I was afraid...I was petrified...LOL. But seriously, I'm going to take out my horn, dust it off, and toot it a little bit. If I don't have faith in my talents, why would anyone else? This year I want to get paid to sing, I want to get my blog up off the ground, and I want to make a move...a big one, lol. We'll see! I'm READY!