Alright, Mother's Day wrap up!

Well, not that it matters to anyone but me, but I'm getting to the end of my day and I like to check my pulse. Mother's day is always an up and down for me for so many reasons! And this year I guess I am kinda stuck on being the 33, about to be 34, no children, same age that my mother was when she passed, and well...yeah, that part...she's passed! And I've been blessed honestly to be gifted with a bonus mom, she's available to me but of course I've never gone out of my way to burden her with a lot of what I experience or feel. ANYWAY, I'm feeling pretty ok at the end of my night but I was a little sad. It's funny bc a lot of the time I'm really not pressed over certain things, but it's like I'm reminded of some of the areas in which I lack on some days. As I said before, I miss having a great partner. I assume at some point the opportunity will arise, but I'm realistic too...so I honestly feel like it won't. I almost feel like I have to stop meeting folks period, purge my life of anyone currently in it but a couple of people and keep moving forward. I mean really I'm more concerned with my career and getting that on track, so I will leave my focus there.

Mother's Day and more

I'm feeling ok today, but I discovered a new thing for the FIRST time this year. I'm sad I'm not a mom yet! Which then made me sad that I don't have a relationship lmao. But I've been hashing this out in my brain for sometime, and I realize I probably haven't made much room for one. It's difficult for me to invest fully in relationships when so many people are sooooo untrustworthy! I tend to love like, super hard, so I'm HELLA guarded. Also, I've chosen poorly in the past...so there's that lol. Giving love to someone who just shits all over it makes you kinda hesitant to give it out again, and then when you meet someone new you're overthinking everything they do so you can make sure not to be hurt again smh. The thing is, hurt is unavoidable, but when you've never had a successful love, it reallllllllly makes you wish it was. I miss the feeling of security you have when you know your partner is in it with you. So many of us are so cynical and negative and believe that everyone is incapable of being loyal, faithful...or anything else positive. I mean in life, we will definitely all go through some things, and endure some betrayals, but I just can't believe that no one will give me, or anyone else who desires, the love they need. Of course I'm in the stage of life where I am reevaluating everything, and I realize there were some situations I could have nurtured more or handled better, but that's a part of life, right? Can't rewind the past, so we must learn for the future. I know that I have perhaps not put the best energy out when it comes to love...but I can't help but hope that it will come to me as well and stay. I have friends, and we will see what comes of that! Otherwise I'll just start collecting cats and get my license to foster kids lol...I'll foster anyway at some point but I've got to get myself together first. There are things in my life that make me feel like I'm not worthy of a life partner, BUT, I just know that means those things will be inconsequential to the person I end up with and they'll make me feel safe. Good times! I'll keep you posted, if one of these knuckle head men get it together.