Hurt

It hurts not to ever have someone who can consider you. For everyone to feel they need to "tough love" you or not love you at all. It's hard feeling energy around you and having it affect you. It hurts to feel alone when you're surrounded and to be discussed instead of embraced. It hurts to be told you're loved but not so much that I'll keep up with you or value you. The thing I look for is to be able to face that truth and move beyond it...or to be able to see what's real and walk in it.

Still...

I still have those incredibly sad moments where I feel totally alone in the world. Where I feel like just having my parents would make my world right. I don't know this to be true but the feeling of lack Iguess  drives me to fantasize that if they were here at least I'd have someone, and not feel like a lonely little island. I have those times I feel no one is on my side or has my back. My feelings are not valid and are only important to me. I reflect on my view of things and it seems right to me...but that's about it.

Anger

I do and have struggled with anger, or pride for a while. I think that once I realized I was "shorted" in life, I began to expect of the people I surround myself to be fully invested in me, as I invest in others. Now this is not a bad expectation until it causes conflict or ridiculously strong emotional reactions. I tend to be willing to sacrifice, rearrange, compromise or whatever in any relationship or friendship. I generally have no issue doing this, until I feel I'm not appreciated or properly cared for. I am still trying to find that balance, because I get M.A.D. when I've made a decision with more than me in mind and then someone makes what I deem a selfish decision because they aren't or weren't considering what I might have wanted or needed in the situation. I have a great capacity for anger...it makes me hot, or I get a headache...it takes for it to either pass or for me to reason with myself and point out the fact that it's NOT a big deal...or shouldn't be. I don't see anything wrong with having a struggle, but I do get frustrated when I can't get a handle on myself. I sincerely want to trip someone or kick something lol...BUT...as long as I can recognize it and redirect myself, I figure I'm taking at least a step in the right direction. Another thing I'm working on is guaging when I should check someone. Folks have the craziest things to say to folks they don't know that well. I don't like the whole being familiar with me, bc I am only like that with folks I KNOW. I don't joke, kid or tease, bc that's just not my thing unless we know each other for REAL. I just ask for the same respect I give, and I don't think that's much. When I do give someone what they give they always seem to think I'M being nasty lol...it's funny to me, because I only give the vibe I get...you get smart, I'm going to return a smart remark. Not ALL the time, but when I feel like you done just got TOO comfy with your slick comments, I gotta stop you in your tracks. I don't care what you wear, who you talk to, how you talk to them...don't come for me. But I'm learning...lol, I gotta deal with my anger issue. I swear!

Changes...

I've been dealing with so many feelings and emotions and whatnot...well I guess it's all the same really. But I'm still transitioning and adjusting and part of that is processing my thoughts and feelings during the move. Being that I used to be fearful so much so that I became immobile, I somewhat understand folks looking at me like..."you what?" when I said I was moving very far...but I've lived most of my life attempting to build a world for myself to gain what I thought I was missing...and created a lot of stress for myself, but one thing I did have was my friends...and we had been through so much, so to have them when I REALLY needed them...it meant the world to me. They were so supportive, and helpful, and listened to me cry, and vent and stresssssssss!!! They listened, even if they didn't understand why it was such a struggle for me when I isolated to truly clear my head and focus on what I wanted to do. I love my loved ones, truly I do, but I could no longer allow guilt and whatever else folks wanna call it stop me from what I've wanted forever...

Grow

One thing I'm extremely happy with is my growth...I used to be so paranoid about making wrong decisions I just stopped making them altogether where it concerned my goals, desires and dreams. I still get nervous here and there but I'm no longer afraid to make a decision wrong or otherwise. It is important we have the opportunity to stretch and move and learn...otherwise how do we cultivate wisdom? I have things I want to do...so I'm gettin to doing.

Continuance

I recently decided I would start blogging again. I used to fight internally about sharing my personal feelings, but I've gotten over that. I think that it is important that people be able to relate to someone, and I know there are folks that can relate to the myriad of things I've experienced. I recently relocated with my boyfriend to VA...that period was the toughest in my life. I connected and reconnected with my friends and they were and are very supportive and happy for me. That should have been enough, but per usual, me struggling with allowing others to place their expectations of me in a place of importance, I ended up dealing with various emotions as people questioned me or expressed their "concern". I am insulted by the word concern...concern comes from a place of doubt. It implies that you don't have confidence in the decisions that someone makes. I haven't always made the BEST decisions, but I have taken care of myself for the most part on my own. I've needed to borrow money here and there, but there isn't anyone I know who hasn't...I allowed myself to wallow in a pit of self pity and it got to be too much. I was depressed where I was, yet continuously being told that I didn't need to move anywhere. The city of South Bend holds not much more than all the worst memories ever...everything bad I've ever experienced except for being molested was in South Bend...I don't really relate much to folks who live there, who desire to stay there. I don't fault anyone for it, but I do wish they would do some traveling and bring back some new attitudes to the folks still there. I love the area that I live in now...I struggle some days because I don't have my friends, and I dread making new friends lol...the bonds I have with my friends are from childhood...nothing really gets much stronger than the relationships you have where you've experience love, laughter, pain and anger...when you can get through that...it truly strengthens relationships! I'm really just going on a random tangent, typing thoughts as they come...I'll continue as I continue my new journey... One thing I am anticipating but am a little nervous about it getting into artistry and music out in this area...whole new ball game!

Up days down days

So today is a down day, and I'm sure it's been coming as I know my triggers tend to be stress and whatnot...I've had a hard month so I should anticipate this day! I think that I just have wished for permanence and consistency somewhere and the only person consistent in my life in my eyes is me. I don't feel comfortable asking for what I need from anyone; it's typically too much. I have a hard time being able to give what I have also because it's typically too much. I too have the moments I just feel overwhelmingly alone, tired and wanting just a moment of peace. I never understood suicide when I was younger, or hell just a few years ago but as my bad periods become more acute I have found myself desiring more to go to sleep or consider ways to relieve myself of the emotional anguish that I really can't explain to anyone. There's nothing like the people you love not understanding how you feel. The past colors the way you see everything around you and I am always reminded of mine...every day that I'm alone or every holiday, every event reminds me of everything I don't have and miss. I don't dwell or sit and think about it, but each weekend that passes that no one looks for me or checks on me or wants to see what I'm doing...it's like I've always felt anyway, and outsider in my circle-not really a part. So I had begun to search for contentment within me...wanting to be sufficient with just me. And I do feel sufficient! I do feel good about me finally, and I trust myself to pursue my happiness. It still doesn't dull certain aches though. Today is a hard day, and I felt the cloud descend. 

Last one

So when I was younger...I grew up with my dad after my mom passed. The things that I remember mostly about my childhood was that my dad would leave me alone a lot or take me somewhere I had no business. I didn't have the daddy/daughter relationship with my father since he was an addict. Everything that I recall centered around him doing his thing...if that meant me being home alone for hours, or left alone in a city for weeks, that's what went down. The home I lived in after was also not nurturing or loving. We had good times, of course, but none of the love that you would assume would be shared with children. I didn't grow up with an adult in my life that was actually pushing me toward anything and I never knew what I really planned to do with my life if I ever thought of it at all. I've desired love my whole life...just to know that I am worth something, to someone. It's hard to reach out to people when you're so used to being isolated. It's hard to interact with people when you can't escape the way you were talked to as a kid. I never even imagined that I would grow INTO the person who raised me. A mean, smart mouthed woman with no filter. I feel lonely often and different all the time. I have more good days than bad for sure, but these things have stuck with me. How, when you're a little hippie who thinks everyone should love everyone and live happily ever after do you deal with all the things I've had to feel? I don't know if anyone knows what it's like...but I went from living with my mom having everything to living with a drug addict who left me in a city alone...and I was molested! I was brought back home and never recall anyone trying to help...I think my cousin and I went to a doctor once or twice when I was younger...but that was it. My entire life I've been given nothing more than the opportunity to draw my own conclusions about my life and how it's unfolded. The sad part is for some time I've had the chance to make of my life what I wanted, but I've never learned how to value myself because I think that all that happened back then has made me FEEL worthless...I so hurt for the girl now a woman who still can't let go. Every time a friend has said, or I've heard even sermons that talk about dealing with and letting go of past pain I literally ask well how??? Because I've determined time and time again not to feel this way...and then when the day comes that I feel it...I'm curled up in my bed, not wanting to move or see anyone. It's gotten to the point that I have considered committing myself, or committing suicide. That's not to warn anyone lol, I'm too scary to kill myself lmao. But seriously I've been in my car and just thinking to myself I just need a moment...a minute of peace. A moment not to think or overanalyze...I just need sinker willing to be there with me through it. Everyone says they've had to do things on their own...I don't think you truly know what that means. Everyone needs someone in there corner. 

Weak

This post makes me feel weak but I've got to get it out. I fear I've wound myself up so tight that I won't ever be loose. I've tried so many times to explain how I feel to have it dismissed...so I keep to myself. I before anyone feel like the past should not affect my present or future, but it seems that regularly that's the case for me. I don't think there's anyone that I actually feel totally close to or cool with like that. And that's crazy considering I have good friends. I've got a pair of people who truly love me as one of their own, but I struggle with being open there. I don't like sharing me. I have to admit and speak aloud that I don't trust people not to hurt me, and that I have always sought love and approval from others. And then when I love...I tend to give my all...and not get it back. It does hurt that my life feels so disconnected from the lives of my friends/family. My friends don't check on me...nor does my family. Now that's not to say that there's blame placed anywhere...I just think that maybe I've isolated myself, and people just don't have time! I understand that folks have families, jobs and other things to do...but I've wondered what keeps me from having these relationships? What stops people from hitting me up to see how I am, or see if I want to go to lunch or anything like that? I've had to wonder what may have done or said or not done or said...sometimes I feel like there's been so much that's happened to me here among the group of people I have in my life that I need a separation. Every time I think of something I want I fear the reaction of someone else. I really want to be free from the opinions of others and the desire for some sort of approval. Most of the things I do for others bring me no joy, and I feel like I don't make certain choices for fear of making someone else upset. I will take on the ultimate amount of discomfort to make someone else comfortable and that truly has to stop.

Hola

Just thinking and thinking and thinking...I've been in this place where I'm standing still and totally not sure what to do next. I feel so...ya know funky sometimes and being beyond my past hasn't meant total peace for me. That part I guess is understandable. I think the thing that I've been struggling with more in the last year or so has been emotional, just not being able to get a grip on my feelings and reactions. I'm so paranoid about being hurt or something like that. So used to disappointment that I choose to place in my life. Most times the relationships I've had I've spent more time trying to give to that person and being about something for them, while they're not doing the same for me. It's so crazy how you can long for the consideration of another person, especially when you hardly consider yourself. There are many things I've faced and confronted about me, but maybe not to the extent that I've been 100. As a woman I have had to learn that lonely is not terrible. But I swear I wish it didn't FEEL like it.