Hurt

It hurts not to ever have someone who can consider you. For everyone to feel they need to "tough love" you or not love you at all. It's hard feeling energy around you and having it affect you. It hurts to feel alone when you're surrounded and to be discussed instead of embraced. It hurts to be told you're loved but not so much that I'll keep up with you or value you. The thing I look for is to be able to face that truth and move beyond it...or to be able to see what's real and walk in it.

Still...

I still have those incredibly sad moments where I feel totally alone in the world. Where I feel like just having my parents would make my world right. I don't know this to be true but the feeling of lack Iguess  drives me to fantasize that if they were here at least I'd have someone, and not feel like a lonely little island. I have those times I feel no one is on my side or has my back. My feelings are not valid and are only important to me. I reflect on my view of things and it seems right to me...but that's about it.

Anger

I do and have struggled with anger, or pride for a while. I think that once I realized I was "shorted" in life, I began to expect of the people I surround myself to be fully invested in me, as I invest in others. Now this is not a bad expectation until it causes conflict or ridiculously strong emotional reactions. I tend to be willing to sacrifice, rearrange, compromise or whatever in any relationship or friendship. I generally have no issue doing this, until I feel I'm not appreciated or properly cared for. I am still trying to find that balance, because I get M.A.D. when I've made a decision with more than me in mind and then someone makes what I deem a selfish decision because they aren't or weren't considering what I might have wanted or needed in the situation. I have a great capacity for anger...it makes me hot, or I get a headache...it takes for it to either pass or for me to reason with myself and point out the fact that it's NOT a big deal...or shouldn't be. I don't see anything wrong with having a struggle, but I do get frustrated when I can't get a handle on myself. I sincerely want to trip someone or kick something lol...BUT...as long as I can recognize it and redirect myself, I figure I'm taking at least a step in the right direction. Another thing I'm working on is guaging when I should check someone. Folks have the craziest things to say to folks they don't know that well. I don't like the whole being familiar with me, bc I am only like that with folks I KNOW. I don't joke, kid or tease, bc that's just not my thing unless we know each other for REAL. I just ask for the same respect I give, and I don't think that's much. When I do give someone what they give they always seem to think I'M being nasty lol...it's funny to me, because I only give the vibe I get...you get smart, I'm going to return a smart remark. Not ALL the time, but when I feel like you done just got TOO comfy with your slick comments, I gotta stop you in your tracks. I don't care what you wear, who you talk to, how you talk to them...don't come for me. But I'm learning...lol, I gotta deal with my anger issue. I swear!