A desire to inspire...

That is so corny, lol... But seriously, as I've transitioned from processing my life and it's events to wanting to utilize that process to help others. The one thing that I think I consistently felt is alienated and alone, like no one cared about the things that affected me so heavily. One thing I learned is that perception is everything. When we see something one way, someone else sees it and are affected by it differently. The things that I encountered have all gotten me where I am today. From my mother's death to my father's drug use and neglect, to my misguided view of the purpose of God and the church, to friendships and relationships...it's been lesson after lesson, after lesson. You experience this period of wanting payback, wanting answers, feeling pity for yourself, feeling anger at everyone else, to wanting to find anyone who had been through ANYTHING like what I've been through and try my best to help them deal with all the emotions these types of things can cause. There are girls who grew up without mothers or fathers, or both like me, who struggle with that loss, girls who have been molested, or abused, or made fun of...I've been all of those things. I have been abandoned, not cared for, not nurtured, and I am blessed beyond measure to be a high school graduate, working on a degree, making a very decent wage in a very hard economy. I am not a drug addict, I did not have children early, I am functional, successful and a testimony. For all of the things that contributed to my near nervous breakdown not tooooo far back, I feel SO MUCH MORE AMAZING to be able to look at all that I've walked through and be able to see it without so much hurt, anger and bitterness. The one attitude I had to get over was feeling like someone needed to take care of me, because I didn't and never had anyone to. There's nothing wrong with the feeling, because the fact is that every child deserves to be raised and loved by people who want to raise children, whether they're related to the child or not. Every child deserves to be loved, to know that regardless of the decisions of those around them they are valuable, to have someone take interest in their life and their path, to guide them. I want to provide support for as many youth as I possibly can as someone who has repeatedly been subjected to trauma after trauma, obstacle after obstacle, disaster after disaster. You too can come out better, bigger than anyone would ever imagine!!!

What do you want?

I've been asked this question a million times by different folks when it comes to dating. My friends hardly meet anyone that I talk to, my family certainly has only met one man so far, lol, and I'm about to be 29. Why? Well because I don't see the point in my family meeting someone who may or may not be around! So...let's go back, because it's been a little while since I've been asked what I want. So...what DO I want? I want to deal with someone that I can talk to, but who also balances me out, because I talk A LOT. I tend to go with the flow, so if you're more quiet eventually I'll catch on and work with that. Beyond that though, I want to be able to feel free to share with a man also...I want to deal with someone who is on the same page I am. Sounds simple but you can get too deeply involved with someone who doesn't want the same things you do, and that's messy!!! Also, I really want someone to put in some work! I feel like I have to put in work with a man, and there's a certain type of work I want to see from him. I want someone to want to make my day go well or be better! I desire someone who's as much a romantic as I am, but NOT always kissing my behind. By that I mean I like, sincerely don't need to hear flowery words ALL DAY, (although a man that is good with words TOTALLY is a turn on) but would like to see what you will DO. A friend of mine and I were speaking about this recently, and I was explaining to him that for me (I won't be general and say women because this may not be true for most) it's not that nice guys finish last, it's that I'm not the nicest girl so most of the time the REALLLLLLLY nice guys get on my nerves. I mean, to be honest, I'm a little blunt, a little outspoken, flirtatious and I can SOMETIMES lol, be rude. So for me to meet and date someone who is timid just doesn't work because I end up running all over someone and I truly don't desire that for my life, lol. I like a challenge too, and it takes a little work to do so. So fellas, I'm not saying don't be nice, I'm just saying, I'm not perfect, I don't want to make all the decisions, I want a man to step up and want to be a man in a relationship with a real woman! Now that may give you a little insight to other women, it may not, but I know what I like. A nice mean person, lmao. I really don't think that's a lot though. LOL...anything good is worth waiting and working for. I feel like in dating men who I shouldn't have I definitely ended up questioning what I wanted or could have or deserved, which is cray cray, lol, but dating can seriously be a trial! Men approach around here STILL in the most asinine ways. The reason I believe men should want to work for a good woman is because it pays off. I know that for me I am a friggin CHAMPION for mine if he has my back. Most of us have really loved someone who hurt us, and it makes us leery of others, and THAT is simple self preservation. I don't believe in making a man pay for the mistakes of another, but I do believe that patience and compromise is necessary. So the convo yesterday, I was asked how I would act if my man wanted to go out with his boys and yada yada, and I was like, see...this is the type of convo I don't enjoy having, lol. Because clearly this person is used to dealing with an immature woman. I feel like two adults should be able to date and behave like two adults. I know you're going to look at women, I know you're going to go out with your friends, I know you gotta do you and I gotta do me (I mean personal space) on occasion because you need that when you're seeing someone. And I guess too I need a man who is able to see me for who I am, because there's a lot to me. I've been told I'm a flirt, but also been told I act like I don't want to be bothered, or LOOK like I don't want to be bothered. I may be a flirt, but it's not something I exercise intentionally, and I believe so much in having respect for your mate. After the last couple of years of being single, some of the encounters I've had just have really kinda made me feel differently about interacting with men. I don't enjoy it as much, and don't desire any new friends or whatever. You either want to date or not, I am not interested in the future in fooling around with folks that don't want the same things I want. You truly do end up with your feelings hurt there! You can't make someone want you or want what you want. I have always realized that for me dating is a more serious and important thing, and it's not a priority to others. I truly want to build a relationship with someone who is interested in my plans and wants to involve me in theirs. At this point I am not worried about getting it all together so I can have a good relationship, I want a relationship where WE can get it all together. I want to help him see his goals come to life and I want him to help me too. Motivate, participate, whatever! If that's a lot then my bad, ha!

Sucky V day

LMAO! So...I told myself that I wouldn't let this holiday get to me...no way, lol. But it just sucks anyway. I dunno what it is, but I just want to feel good today, and I want someone to want to make me feel good today. I'm single and mingling...but it's a bit challenging for me...I'm really just ready to settle down, but there are SO MANY ADJUSTMENTS I have to make. But I think I'd rather make them than be lonely forever!!! And then...why do people make it seem like you're some kinda sucka if you want a flower or some candy, a kiss or a hug on V-day? I mean, DUH it is advertised that way for a reason, lol. Sometimes I just wonder about this whole dating thing, like maybe I don't know how to do it, or if it's just not for me. Some men think I'm too impatient, too bossy, which I can admit I have to get a handle on. I honestly think I've been bit by the independent woman bug unawares cuz I have never wanted to make anyone think I didn't need someone...and believe it or not a lot of people tell me that's just how I look. Like I DO NOT WANT TO BE BOTHERED. SMH. Well for the ones who decided to say hi anyway... <3 *muah* Happy V-day past, present and future.

To think...or not to think...

Y'all have no idea that I actually struggle to place titles on these posts, lol. This AM my mind is settled on a couple of things. First...a black man posts about the problem in the black community with absent black men and fathers, and the potential of the mini black men in training we have coming up. Inevitably comes the post that "this isn't just a problem in the black community". It being a problem within the community of another culture is not the point. It being a problem in another culture STILL does not negate the fact that black men and women are being jailed at an alarming rate. It is not strange to want to help the black community as a black person. It is not exclusive, prejudice or biased, it is natural. Why is it necessary to attempt to draw our attention away from the plight in our community because it's not just us? Does that make it somehow more ok because it's "not just blacks" experiencing it? Sounds worse to me, and like the history of racism and bias in our country is coming back around as opposed to getting better. As the majority non-whites are definitely a threat to any ideas of European cultural dominance. If you don't believe in that concept you ought to really look at the history, lol. It's not a militant statement, or anything like that. The way the world is now has to do with man's ideas of conquering, of spreading certain philosophy, of dominating cultures of people that can be manipulated. With that said, I'll return to my other thought...I've been looking at polygyny lately. Not interested in participating, but I'm curious as to how it became taboo in the western world. Statistically I believe that polygyny is less prevalent in areas where women are more educated. I find it interesting that in the church this is not mentioned, and that most Christians blindly follow the idea that monogamy is the accepted, Godly way to marry because the scripture says a man will leave his parents and cling to his wife. Well...that language is not exclusive folks. It leaves room for speculation in my mind. I've gone to church almost ALL 28 years of my life...I've studied Judaism, Catholicism, and Islam...Islam mentions it much more, the bible mentions it also...and it sounds ok to me...sounds like there are rules and that it can be economically stimulating. Obviously with people involved it gets a little bit messy and more complicated, but with folks who have the proper understanding and attitude I don't see anything wrong with it. If God shows me otherwise, then I'll think that. But the lack of discussion in churches always to me points to "it's probably ok" they just don't want to open that can of worms...the law in the US I believe makes it illegal to have more than one wife, so I wonder if the church feels that here we shouldn't practice it because it's illegal? Or if they believe it's wrong in general? I understand the bible says to follow the law of the land... SIBEBAR: Why don't you people research things outside of what you were taught was normal? Historical and religious text should supplement each other. I find it hard to believe that most of you believe your faith is the true one because you've studied multiple and proven your beliefs to be true to you. They're just what you're comfortable with. Don't let someone teach you that you cannot educate yourself further, and that it could potentially damage your faith. Gather more evidence for yourself...don't walk about confused if you are. All literature is NOT GOING TO BE 100% accurate. I don't care what anyone teaches you. God has shown us time and again that when he involves man they eff it up...so make sure you look a little harder for your truth. Topic number 3...men and women. I am a woman who believes in the role of men, and women. As a woman, I have had to be independent, and I've had to make most of the decisions concerning my household...mainly because it's just me. Let me tell you something, lol. I don't want to do it permanently. Honey if a man wants to make me his boo and he take care of everything and I just need to make sure HE's straight? SIGN ME UP. You women out there who need to prove you can do things on your own and you don't need a man, and you don't want anyone telling you what to do and blah blah blah. That's all cool, but don't at all knock those of us who HAVE done things on our own and desire to go forward a different way, lol. I'm cool on making all the decisions. I love a man who understands what his roles and responsibilities are socially, as I feel I do. I don't think that there is AT ALL a problem with gender roles, and they only threaten those who feel insecure with themselves. I do not feel threatened by any man or woman, we are all individuals. As a strong woman I've been told that I probably want a man who'll let me do whatever and I can talk to him any kind of way...HONEY NO. A punk *** man only turns me off...if I can run over you, I probably will, just because of who I am. I'm the type that will need someone to say chill out, it's just how it is. And if you can't deal with that, keep on pushing, lol, cuz I just might have you upset in the end. I will challenge and push because I like to get what I want...and if for some reason I can feel from you that I can get what I want...lol, be ready to give it, cuz I'm gonna work on you, until I get it. Now if you're a man's man...and you tell me no, I get you mean it? Then I'll leave it be, lol. So I'm thinking for me an alpha male will do just nicely. ;O)