Just random...from about a month ago...never posted

Alrighty! Changes abound, and blogs must follow. I realize ALL the time that I'm different. What I DON'T realize often is that it's ok. :O) And I'll be damned I keep learning I expect too much from people! Or is it that I give to much...or expect too much in return??? *shrug* who knows...I may never know, lol. I also have a tendency to be honest with myself...so as I discover, I share it with me...who better??? So...in the midst of what I call a quarter life crisis...and they happen...believe me, I'm in one. Complete with random crying, sad days for no reason, lack of focus, complete lack of drive...and plenty of anger, depression and bitterness to pass around. And it is SO weird, people that AREN'T considerate...that aren't good to people, that are selfish primarily...those that leave a litter of people they've hurt behind typically fare better than people like me...and then there's my first mistake. Why do I care how anyone is faring?!?!? Got to get rid of that first. First step people, forgive those that hurt you. Whether they think your complaint is valid or not. LET IT GO. They will never understand your point, and you'll never feel better about whatever it is they did, but you CAN move on! And you can genuinely wish them well. WHOOOOOOOOOOOO...feel better yet? I know, it takes time. Ok. But you want to see something BAD happen to them...really bad...ut be careful with that, because you REMEMBER that time you did that thing you didn't want anyone to know about, and it was trifling and you could have or did hurt someone? Yeah...you wouldn't want someone to wish bad on you...so be careful with wishes for payback. Anyway, let's move on. So...about this quarter life crisis. I'd type lol, except it's not funny. Let's begin at the beginning. I had no structure as a kid, and so you would think I'd very easily become independent. Exact opposite, I became very dependent on the guidance of those around me, and you know where that got me? Nowhere. And it's not even their fault, I was so busy looking for that family feeling, that Cosby show joint that I totally missed the train that took me to the stop where I begin to form and carry out my own desires and thoughts. BUT, duh, even on the Cosby show the kids went outside of the frame that was created for them, and discovered things that they liked that didn't necessarily make sense to the rest of the folks in the family...but they did it anyway because it mattered that much to them. See that? That's what I missed. What I wanted didn't matter more than having someone to guide me for a long time. And NOW I'm all in a tizzy because I haven't done what I wanted and the approval of others just doesn't quite mean as much to me. So. I want to sing. I want to do 3-piece background vocals, and I want to teach music and harmonies and arrangements and make people sound good, and I wanna write and alladat. And I have a starting point, so I'm getting down to it. The hard part? Adjusting to all of this, and dealing with ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the people in my life, and admittedly, I really don't even care how they react. And that sounds so selfish doesn't it? But for so long I've been too busy worrying about how someone might react if I did ANYTHING that I wanted to do...I just can't be worried anymore. I know, I know, it's rough, but it's life...I mean...what am I supposed to do? Nothing?? Nope...done enough of that.