Positivity

My belief system is rooted in faith, however it seems I don't have any. Or much anyway. I figure that we go through life continuously learning about ourselves, and so it's been for me. I understand that I'm generally a negative person, and so ok, I've realized that, and can look it in the face, but where to move forward from there? How do you change your perspective and the way you see things? If anyone's ever done that, I definitely want to know how. I'm trying to improve as a person, and am learning more and more things within me that need to be overhauled! I feel like a double minded person (we know what the bible says about that) in that I from day to day can be cool, like...everything is ok on the surface, but then a challenging situation arises and it's *crash*. I'm so often absorbed with my own issues that no one else's even matters. I can't forget the past and so I can't look to the future. My whole THOUGHT process is this: A,B,C and D happened to me at this time. OK. Got it! But I want to move on. But then I can't move on because when something bad happens my whole mind is just like..."My life is horrible, it's always been horrible, will it always BE horrible?" This overwhelming pity and sadness overcomes me, and there goes the neighborhood. I'm the kind of person who can change the entire atmosphere of a room. I didn't realize not everyone can do that...and so it's important to me to really jumpstart myself, and twist my mentality around. Another thing I realize is that while I've been on my own for what seems like a lifetime...I still don't have that "I gotta do what I gotta do" mentality. Like...I guess I'm around here thinking I've paid dues, SOMEbody owes me SOMEthing...give it to me! You know? I need some help. I want some help. But can't get it from anywhere. Not anything that I deem substantial, and that's another problem...can anyone do enough? Probably not. It's a difficult mind I have, one that I feel I have no control over, and all the control in the world sometimes. A part of this problem is that I don't know how to "turn it over to God". You know how people tell you to do that? To give it up, and don't take it back? Hell if I knew how, I'd heave ho ALL this crap and never look back...sometimes I feel like I need more detailed instructions. I'm sure I'm making life harder for myself than anything else...and I don't know how not to do that either. But this is day 1 into my journey, because I'll be damned if I lose my man, my mind or my life over this crap. I just want to be happy.

Eh...

I hate when you're required to title something and you can't think of a title. My new default is...eh. LOL. OK, so my girl got married, and something at the reception struck me suddenly and deeply and I had to like, compose myself, I experienced this DEEP wave of emotion...at her reception, she danced with her daddy...and OMG my heart just DROPPED. I felt like an *** right there at my table...my cousin looked at me and asked if I was ok, and I said no, but I will be fine...not sure she new why I was so suddenly upset, but ah well. I realized that there are still going to be those moments where the deaths of my parents seem like they happened yesterday! And I wonder, when the HECK will I EVER be over this? Like...why can't I just be like, it happened, I'm so much stronger and yada...

I think that a part of me sees my friends that have such wonderful relationships with their families and parents and I look at my dysfunctional relationships, that are a result of my parent's deaths and I still long for that, so a part of me cannot let them go. I'm so glad that I can self examine but I for darn sure don't have the training to prescribe the cure. Continual prayer of course, but I'm sure there are some action steps, I just don't know how to take them, lol.

I learned too that I may not be as good a friend as I thought I was...hm. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm awesome, I will always be there for you if you need me, but I'm not good at the "showing myself friendly" part? That results in me feeling closer to people than they feel to me, because I'm assertive and I will lay my ish on the table for you, but I typically won't poke into your business, which makes some feel like they can't talk to me I guess...*sigh* I don't know, I just want to do better. That is all...