Today is difficult...

Today is difficult! First today is difficult because I know that I have caused my financial strain...and I repeat the same cycle. Today is difficult because I realize that I struggle to interact with others and have open communication because most interactions leave me feeling defensive. I'm frustrated to have to say that. Today I am frustrated because I feel like I'm still that young girl who needs to be taught and directed...but wasn't. I don't feel like I know enough, that I have enough drive to continue to change my habits. I don't feel I have the type of support I need, and I feel like I wouldn't be able to accept it anyway. A part of me just wants to give it all up because I don't think I'm making it...and a part of me wants to give up because I don't think I CAN make it. I hate feeling like people don't understand, and I hate feeling like I need to express. I get tired of being encouraged, and I get tired of not having help. I don't want to share my life, but I don't think I can survive if I don't. I hate feeling like I'm too old to feel like this. I hate feeling like it's okay to feel how I do but society says I should have my shit together. My shit's not together...who can help with that? I hate that my life is largely centered around the effects of my childhood. I hate that I can't get past my low moods. I hate that I had to cry today, and I hate that no one was there to tell me it will get better. I hate having to reach out to people to tell them what's going on, and hate that no one looks for me if I stop reaching out. It's hard to admit to yourself that you might just be all fucked up...and then tomorrow, when I feel better, and motivated, I will be able to help someone who feels just like I do, but then I still will have no one to help me. Aside from a therapist. I especially hate that someone will read this and still not get it.

I realize...

I'm introspective often. This doesn't mean that I always process correctly or react correctly but more so that I am constantly observing myself with the goal of understanding just how I'm processing information and emotions. In my romantic endeavors I have always had a NEED for the person with whom I was connected to, so much so that if they decided it wasn't for them, it left me devastated because so much of my worth was tied to the way people felt about me. Someone deciding that they didn't want to pursue me made me feel like I was unworthy of love. Totally not their fault! I have grown so much in the last few years that I UNDERSTAND that I am not for everyone and that everyone is not for me. Unfortunately, I don't as easily give my trust, and I don't as easily open up. I sometimes misunderstand and I sometimes get defensive. It's a natural reaction but I'm to the point that I can recognize it and acknowledge and talk about it. I will one day be able to stop feeling like I have to defend myself against invisible threats, but for now...it just is what it is. I pray that I continue to dwell in that moment and embrace my encounters as they come. Right now though my life is on a path that is for me but then again it's not ABOUT me. I so realize things are just not all about me. I feel so humbled lately with the press of this book and the idea of speaking to crowds to share MY story, and help someone get better that I have no choice but to continue to grow. This is a rambling, but I needed to type it out! I'm content to wait for someone who doesn't mind my whole. My story is a part of me, and certain things are just going to be an ongoing work. I will never be perfect, but I promise to be always pressing. Whether or not I'm pressing hard enough or fast enough for some or not I have to let go...which sucks, but I mean...things suck in life. I get that too. We all go through sucky things, whether our life started excellent or SUPER sucky.