Why must I feel like that?

So I woke this morning feeling very anxious/worried/off. I immediately got to praying. I also meditate, because I feel I have the tools to change my internal climate. I wanted to talk it out...so here I am, typing it out. I initially was feeling some stress because I'm working on so many things at once. I'm working on finances, working on this book, COMPLETELY overwhelmed in starting up this nonprofit. I believe that it will all come together though. I have to discipline my spending, and I think that it is coming. I've certainly gotten better with everything thank God. So anyway, I began to think on this past weekend. I'm in a new area, it's been a year this upcoming week! I have met some WONDERFUL people...and I'm not surprised, I love people. So that's good! Friendships have always been important to me because I grew up without many close ties to anyone in my eyes. I felt disconnected so my friendship circle is important because I simply don't fool with everyone like THAT. Whenever conflict arises I shy from it...seriously shy from it! I don't enjoy having to spaz on anyone I consider cool with me. I'd rather just distance myself from you, because why should I have to feel uncomfortable because YOU can't act right? Right? I don't know. But anyway, my home is like...my space...I don't like to have any riff raff, no extra in my home. If I ask you to come over, that means I have the expectation that you will respect me, AND my home! Unfortunately I had a friend step all the way over the line, sweep it up, and keep walking...and really my anger isn't about what they did, but moreso with myself because I know I'm always going to be on the journey to complete emotional healing because I felt GUILTY that I was SO UPSET. I felt bad because in my mind, there's no conversation to be had, I just cut things off. The idea that I feel like I owe someone who has offended me ANYTHING is abhorrent to me. I have to buck up, and learn how to deal with conflict! So this will be my challenge to myself. To handle things as they come and be direct, and NOT allow myself to feel like it's my fault that someone else misbehaves. I get to be friendly, I get to be attractive and sexy and all that, and that doesn't mean that I should be VIOLATED. It pisses me off that people think every friendly female is DTF. I like PEOPLE, male and female alike and I will NOT BE REDUCED to a mere sexual object. I refuse to allow ANYONE to dictate to me who I can befriend!

Why do we have to come up with titles?

I'm like, never good at coming up with titles for these things...they're my random musings, emotional or otherwise. Anyway. For the last several years I have been on this journey to mental and emotional health. I've closed some chapters, and am still working on others. Even though I have let go of the anger I felt toward so many, I do still deal with my own emotions and internal climate. I still fight this feeling that I'm unloved and unwanted, underappreciated and not nurtured enough. It makes me needy at times and it's not something I enjoy. Today I feel pretty alright, albeit tired because I was on the phone with one of my dearest friends with whom I'd had a falling out. I love our growth! Anyway...as I journey with this book and with my own therapy and things, I am really discovering all of what I am passionate about. I desire to educate, inform and assist those who have been left behind. As I think over the years, I say, well where are the folks who are here to assist those who DIDN'T get it right the first, or even the second time? I remember always feeling ashamed in my shortcomings and feeling as though I was underdeveloped. I knew nothing about finances, the importance of education and/or entrepreneurship. Coupled with my past and a complete ignorance about becoming an adult, I fumbled my way through my 20's ruining my credit, self esteem and hell everything else! Working in customer service and collections for financial institutions allowed me to learn that the general public is not well educated about the abc's of life. They aren't properly prepared to make wise and well informed decisions. I took a class that talked about the McDonaldization of the US and it was RIGHT. In every aspect we opt for what is quickest, cheapest and most convenient, even if it's not what's best. I want to spend my time assisting people who want to change their MIND, so they can change their future. I remember going through a free budget counseling program and the advisor was VERY rude. I never want to see another person go through that. It can be frustrating to try to fix finances, but it can be done! I was never someone who looked to the future and made long term plans. Long term to me is not 5 years, I'm talking ONE YEAR is long term to me. The idea of taking a year to pay off my small debt balance was soooooooooo depressing. The idea of not being able to shop, travel, hang out like I like to was devastating. I still have difficulty exercising discipline in this area, but it's gotten SO MUCH BETTER!!! If I have my way (I love you Chrisette Michele! Random I know, lol) I will be teaching seminars and hosting support groups for people like myself, who got it wrong but want to get it right!