Up days down days

So today is a down day, and I'm sure it's been coming as I know my triggers tend to be stress and whatnot...I've had a hard month so I should anticipate this day! I think that I just have wished for permanence and consistency somewhere and the only person consistent in my life in my eyes is me. I don't feel comfortable asking for what I need from anyone; it's typically too much. I have a hard time being able to give what I have also because it's typically too much. I too have the moments I just feel overwhelmingly alone, tired and wanting just a moment of peace. I never understood suicide when I was younger, or hell just a few years ago but as my bad periods become more acute I have found myself desiring more to go to sleep or consider ways to relieve myself of the emotional anguish that I really can't explain to anyone. There's nothing like the people you love not understanding how you feel. The past colors the way you see everything around you and I am always reminded of mine...every day that I'm alone or every holiday, every event reminds me of everything I don't have and miss. I don't dwell or sit and think about it, but each weekend that passes that no one looks for me or checks on me or wants to see what I'm doing...it's like I've always felt anyway, and outsider in my circle-not really a part. So I had begun to search for contentment within me...wanting to be sufficient with just me. And I do feel sufficient! I do feel good about me finally, and I trust myself to pursue my happiness. It still doesn't dull certain aches though. Today is a hard day, and I felt the cloud descend.