Last one

So when I was younger...I grew up with my dad after my mom passed. The things that I remember mostly about my childhood was that my dad would leave me alone a lot or take me somewhere I had no business. I didn't have the daddy/daughter relationship with my father since he was an addict. Everything that I recall centered around him doing his thing...if that meant me being home alone for hours, or left alone in a city for weeks, that's what went down. The home I lived in after was also not nurturing or loving. We had good times, of course, but none of the love that you would assume would be shared with children. I didn't grow up with an adult in my life that was actually pushing me toward anything and I never knew what I really planned to do with my life if I ever thought of it at all. I've desired love my whole life...just to know that I am worth something, to someone. It's hard to reach out to people when you're so used to being isolated. It's hard to interact with people when you can't escape the way you were talked to as a kid. I never even imagined that I would grow INTO the person who raised me. A mean, smart mouthed woman with no filter. I feel lonely often and different all the time. I have more good days than bad for sure, but these things have stuck with me. How, when you're a little hippie who thinks everyone should love everyone and live happily ever after do you deal with all the things I've had to feel? I don't know if anyone knows what it's like...but I went from living with my mom having everything to living with a drug addict who left me in a city alone...and I was molested! I was brought back home and never recall anyone trying to help...I think my cousin and I went to a doctor once or twice when I was younger...but that was it. My entire life I've been given nothing more than the opportunity to draw my own conclusions about my life and how it's unfolded. The sad part is for some time I've had the chance to make of my life what I wanted, but I've never learned how to value myself because I think that all that happened back then has made me FEEL worthless...I so hurt for the girl now a woman who still can't let go. Every time a friend has said, or I've heard even sermons that talk about dealing with and letting go of past pain I literally ask well how??? Because I've determined time and time again not to feel this way...and then when the day comes that I feel it...I'm curled up in my bed, not wanting to move or see anyone. It's gotten to the point that I have considered committing myself, or committing suicide. That's not to warn anyone lol, I'm too scary to kill myself lmao. But seriously I've been in my car and just thinking to myself I just need a moment...a minute of peace. A moment not to think or overanalyze...I just need sinker willing to be there with me through it. Everyone says they've had to do things on their own...I don't think you truly know what that means. Everyone needs someone in there corner. 

Weak

This post makes me feel weak but I've got to get it out. I fear I've wound myself up so tight that I won't ever be loose. I've tried so many times to explain how I feel to have it dismissed...so I keep to myself. I before anyone feel like the past should not affect my present or future, but it seems that regularly that's the case for me. I don't think there's anyone that I actually feel totally close to or cool with like that. And that's crazy considering I have good friends. I've got a pair of people who truly love me as one of their own, but I struggle with being open there. I don't like sharing me. I have to admit and speak aloud that I don't trust people not to hurt me, and that I have always sought love and approval from others. And then when I love...I tend to give my all...and not get it back. It does hurt that my life feels so disconnected from the lives of my friends/family. My friends don't check on me...nor does my family. Now that's not to say that there's blame placed anywhere...I just think that maybe I've isolated myself, and people just don't have time! I understand that folks have families, jobs and other things to do...but I've wondered what keeps me from having these relationships? What stops people from hitting me up to see how I am, or see if I want to go to lunch or anything like that? I've had to wonder what may have done or said or not done or said...sometimes I feel like there's been so much that's happened to me here among the group of people I have in my life that I need a separation. Every time I think of something I want I fear the reaction of someone else. I really want to be free from the opinions of others and the desire for some sort of approval. Most of the things I do for others bring me no joy, and I feel like I don't make certain choices for fear of making someone else upset. I will take on the ultimate amount of discomfort to make someone else comfortable and that truly has to stop.

Hola

Just thinking and thinking and thinking...I've been in this place where I'm standing still and totally not sure what to do next. I feel so...ya know funky sometimes and being beyond my past hasn't meant total peace for me. That part I guess is understandable. I think the thing that I've been struggling with more in the last year or so has been emotional, just not being able to get a grip on my feelings and reactions. I'm so paranoid about being hurt or something like that. So used to disappointment that I choose to place in my life. Most times the relationships I've had I've spent more time trying to give to that person and being about something for them, while they're not doing the same for me. It's so crazy how you can long for the consideration of another person, especially when you hardly consider yourself. There are many things I've faced and confronted about me, but maybe not to the extent that I've been 100. As a woman I have had to learn that lonely is not terrible. But I swear I wish it didn't FEEL like it.