A desire to inspire...

That is so corny, lol... But seriously, as I've transitioned from processing my life and it's events to wanting to utilize that process to help others. The one thing that I think I consistently felt is alienated and alone, like no one cared about the things that affected me so heavily. One thing I learned is that perception is everything. When we see something one way, someone else sees it and are affected by it differently. The things that I encountered have all gotten me where I am today. From my mother's death to my father's drug use and neglect, to my misguided view of the purpose of God and the church, to friendships and relationships...it's been lesson after lesson, after lesson. You experience this period of wanting payback, wanting answers, feeling pity for yourself, feeling anger at everyone else, to wanting to find anyone who had been through ANYTHING like what I've been through and try my best to help them deal with all the emotions these types of things can cause. There are girls who grew up without mothers or fathers, or both like me, who struggle with that loss, girls who have been molested, or abused, or made fun of...I've been all of those things. I have been abandoned, not cared for, not nurtured, and I am blessed beyond measure to be a high school graduate, working on a degree, making a very decent wage in a very hard economy. I am not a drug addict, I did not have children early, I am functional, successful and a testimony. For all of the things that contributed to my near nervous breakdown not tooooo far back, I feel SO MUCH MORE AMAZING to be able to look at all that I've walked through and be able to see it without so much hurt, anger and bitterness. The one attitude I had to get over was feeling like someone needed to take care of me, because I didn't and never had anyone to. There's nothing wrong with the feeling, because the fact is that every child deserves to be raised and loved by people who want to raise children, whether they're related to the child or not. Every child deserves to be loved, to know that regardless of the decisions of those around them they are valuable, to have someone take interest in their life and their path, to guide them. I want to provide support for as many youth as I possibly can as someone who has repeatedly been subjected to trauma after trauma, obstacle after obstacle, disaster after disaster. You too can come out better, bigger than anyone would ever imagine!!!

What do you want?

I've been asked this question a million times by different folks when it comes to dating. My friends hardly meet anyone that I talk to, my family certainly has only met one man so far, lol, and I'm about to be 29. Why? Well because I don't see the point in my family meeting someone who may or may not be around! So...let's go back, because it's been a little while since I've been asked what I want. So...what DO I want? I want to deal with someone that I can talk to, but who also balances me out, because I talk A LOT. I tend to go with the flow, so if you're more quiet eventually I'll catch on and work with that. Beyond that though, I want to be able to feel free to share with a man also...I want to deal with someone who is on the same page I am. Sounds simple but you can get too deeply involved with someone who doesn't want the same things you do, and that's messy!!! Also, I really want someone to put in some work! I feel like I have to put in work with a man, and there's a certain type of work I want to see from him. I want someone to want to make my day go well or be better! I desire someone who's as much a romantic as I am, but NOT always kissing my behind. By that I mean I like, sincerely don't need to hear flowery words ALL DAY, (although a man that is good with words TOTALLY is a turn on) but would like to see what you will DO. A friend of mine and I were speaking about this recently, and I was explaining to him that for me (I won't be general and say women because this may not be true for most) it's not that nice guys finish last, it's that I'm not the nicest girl so most of the time the REALLLLLLLY nice guys get on my nerves. I mean, to be honest, I'm a little blunt, a little outspoken, flirtatious and I can SOMETIMES lol, be rude. So for me to meet and date someone who is timid just doesn't work because I end up running all over someone and I truly don't desire that for my life, lol. I like a challenge too, and it takes a little work to do so. So fellas, I'm not saying don't be nice, I'm just saying, I'm not perfect, I don't want to make all the decisions, I want a man to step up and want to be a man in a relationship with a real woman! Now that may give you a little insight to other women, it may not, but I know what I like. A nice mean person, lmao. I really don't think that's a lot though. LOL...anything good is worth waiting and working for. I feel like in dating men who I shouldn't have I definitely ended up questioning what I wanted or could have or deserved, which is cray cray, lol, but dating can seriously be a trial! Men approach around here STILL in the most asinine ways. The reason I believe men should want to work for a good woman is because it pays off. I know that for me I am a friggin CHAMPION for mine if he has my back. Most of us have really loved someone who hurt us, and it makes us leery of others, and THAT is simple self preservation. I don't believe in making a man pay for the mistakes of another, but I do believe that patience and compromise is necessary. So the convo yesterday, I was asked how I would act if my man wanted to go out with his boys and yada yada, and I was like, see...this is the type of convo I don't enjoy having, lol. Because clearly this person is used to dealing with an immature woman. I feel like two adults should be able to date and behave like two adults. I know you're going to look at women, I know you're going to go out with your friends, I know you gotta do you and I gotta do me (I mean personal space) on occasion because you need that when you're seeing someone. And I guess too I need a man who is able to see me for who I am, because there's a lot to me. I've been told I'm a flirt, but also been told I act like I don't want to be bothered, or LOOK like I don't want to be bothered. I may be a flirt, but it's not something I exercise intentionally, and I believe so much in having respect for your mate. After the last couple of years of being single, some of the encounters I've had just have really kinda made me feel differently about interacting with men. I don't enjoy it as much, and don't desire any new friends or whatever. You either want to date or not, I am not interested in the future in fooling around with folks that don't want the same things I want. You truly do end up with your feelings hurt there! You can't make someone want you or want what you want. I have always realized that for me dating is a more serious and important thing, and it's not a priority to others. I truly want to build a relationship with someone who is interested in my plans and wants to involve me in theirs. At this point I am not worried about getting it all together so I can have a good relationship, I want a relationship where WE can get it all together. I want to help him see his goals come to life and I want him to help me too. Motivate, participate, whatever! If that's a lot then my bad, ha!