Phases

I have begun to feel as though blogging is foolish, and that it is silly to put my personal thoughts "out". But who cares about that? It might help someone some day. I know most of the time I write when I'm upset...it's a venting tool often, *shrug*. Now...the last several years have all culminated to this point that I'm at now. I'm not...upset about it, or feeling like I'm in the wrong place, I'm just wondering what the result will be. I've always been a "feeling" person, and as someone who devoted most of her life to the church, I have frequently heard about how our feelings can be incorrect and a fault and that we ought not do things based off of them. Well that's a hard thing for someone who is SO driven by emotion. I haven't been to church in a long while, but before that happened I had this sense of something coming. I can't REALLY describe it, except to say that I felt like something drastic and big was going to happen. I had been feeling restless, had been sleeping less, and it was just really crazy for a minute. Everything around me was an irritation. I so often had projected onto myself expectations I felt others had of me. Doing things because I felt like I was supposed to, not because I wanted to or knew that it was what I needed to be doing. I had been taught about this loving God who was to redeem my soul, and how much He loved me, and I was told how I needed to conduct myself in order to receive the blessings that he had for me. I listened to that, and took the bait, hook, line and sinker. BUT, I had devoted my time to church for a more subconscious reason, and that was that I just wanted to belong somewhere, and the church initially welcomed me with open arms. And don't misinterpret for anyone who knows me, this isn't about a single church, it's about my experiences at ALL churches over the years. I got caught up in the clothes, the clique, and the lifestyle and culture of church, but I didn't necessarily grow into a long lasting, strong relationship with God. I spoke to God frequently, prayed, went to ALL the services I was supposed to in order to be one of the few to make it down that "narrow" road. My emotions and whatnot, however, caught up with me. I'm a thinking person. I evaluate. I analyze, and analyze again. Some say I overanalyze. That could be true. Nevertheless, I have always been the same person. I'm usually fine with everything...until I'm not. And one day, I was not fine with my existence. I realized that by seeking validation through the church and through subjecting myself to being criticized and at points embarrassed, and allowing others (and they may never know)to place thoughts about myself which weren't always pleasant, I'd become someone other than me. Following rules that I don't agree with, taking opinions as some sort of gospel fact, and turning a blind eye to everything around me that looked off ultimately contributed to my separation from church. I have never been able to stand by and watch or participate in something that doesn't seem right to me for very long. I'm not the first person to come to these conclusions, or the last person. But what I don't want to do is fall back into the same cycle just because I'm afraid of any other path. I'm not at all afraid to say I'm NOT SURE what path is right for me. I'm also not afraid to say I question my faith, all the time. I ask God to help my unbelief! I read the word. I know what it says, even though I can't sit and just QUOTE it verbatim, I am aware of what the bible says. And as a thinking person I have to ask God what's right. And you would think that people would understand that. I want to be sure that my relationship with God is MINE. And if what we're taught is right, God sees that, knows my heart and my desire. So many people go to church, hear the rules and don't live by them and they pick and choose what they want to abide by. So many things are so contradictory, and raise so many questions, and for every one of those questions is a perfect answer. For THIS question the answer is that back in the day they did things this way, so that's why this is considered void as we're no longer in that time. For THIS question, we'll never be perfect, as we're sinners naturally when we're born...but resist yourself at every turn. I mean, all of that is cool, but it all sounds like a big circle of nothing to me these days. It's like, God, if you're up there...really...how do I get to you? I'm afraid of dying without at least feeling like I'm sure what's next. I'm not worried about whether anyone else is going to get to you, but dangit I'd like to know what's real. Do you even KNOW the number of variations people have of the story of redemption and salvation? And how many people feel that their exact way and path is correct and the only way? That just sounds crazy in light of how we're taught about how much God loved his creation...and then historically he destroyed his creation because they got beside themselves. I'm like...God, is that really what's up? Is it true that only a few will make it to you? Is the path THAT narrow? In this age I feel like everything is about confusion and mayhem. Our kids are confused, adults are too. No one seems to really GET IT. Well I have zero intention of being lost or confused forever. How do you KNOW something unless it's been tried and tested? I have the right to do so, and thus I am. I may not do many things right, but I definitely want to end this journey on the right note. I separated myself from most of my "church" people as I've tried it their way, and it hasn't worked for me so far. There are things about myself that I'm learning, and I want to continue to learn, but I don't want to hear the same things I've been hearing all along...people don't seem to get that either, lol. I'm like...um, I already know this, and it hasn't helped me so far. Thanks. We'll see what happens! I'm in a good space, although I'm unsure of the future. I feel closer to freedom every day. There are so many facets to life. I love music, I love to rap, sing, write, and arrange. I love gospel, rap, rock, classical, jazz, pop...heck, there are even some country songs that are pretty tight to me. But as a believer I'm taught that if I don't use my talent for the Lord, it's really of none effect. UM. first off, how is it that you can dictate to me what using my talent for the Lord is? Since when is God's work limited to the church? AND I'd love to know how most black churches can explain their lack of growth and stagnancy when they're "following the vision God has for the church". Jesus didn't build a great temple then wait for the people to come, his ministry was based on being in the midst of the people, and church is NOT THAT. I don't see any churches TAKING the word of God to people on a large scale. If there are so many of us who believe, and believe so tough that we want to see everyone around us believe the same thing, I think there would be much more activity and many less building funds. I could talk about this all day, but I won't. I'm not saying I'm right about anything...these are MY thoughts...and with everything, as I learn, thoughts change. We'll see what the conclusion is.