I haven't written in so very long, partially because everything I've had to say has been so utterly personal, and while you may think most of my blogs have been, they've been just a surface thing, things I think are necessary to be said and that someone else could benefit from. All that I've thought or felt for the last several months have been all about and for me. I'm not really fond of opening myself up like that. What's bothering me lately is how everything seems to point to Saint Louis...and inadvertently my last relationship. Painful subject, but what can you do? Everything takes time though, so I'll deal. But what are the odds of so many things now being connected to that? Hm. Songs, places, people...never dealt with that before, and never understood how deeply intertwined our lives were. Whether they will be again remains to be seen and apparently wants have no bearing on what will be. So, whatever happens, happens. But that's hard to even allow or fathom right? The absolute lack of control of a situation. Again, I'll deal. Enough of my personal business though.
People are very opinionated, and as much as I've shied away from allowing those opinions to dictate my thoughts or feelings I still find myself filtering for those who have opinions. But I can say that I totally empathize with those who constantly place their personal before the masses on FB and all. You sometimes just want to get it out. Plain and simple. I wouldn't mind strangers and friends reading my personal blogs, it doesn't bother me. It's the rest of you, those overly opinionated people who can kick rocks, lol. Isn't it funny that the ones who so typically have a word to say are the ones you least desire to interact with sometimes?
Friends...I love mine, although there have been some rocky roads along the way with some of them. I have a new friend, and a potentially new friend, which is new for me, lol. I don't really get excited about new people and typically don't anticipate them being in my life long term, but both have that potential! Very nice women, I like them both a lot so far. And I'm realizing now that I've begun to rely on outside relationships rather than familial ones. I'm trying to find a balance with my family, because there are such odd things on either side that alienate me, and make me feel totally separate from everyone. I can't go back and recreate relationships, but I can figure out what to do from here. I don't FEEL related to much of anyone, although I love my family. My mother's family had no choice in the matter of my separation from them, and I feel as though I ought to, and I want to, build relationships with all of them. BUT we are different, as we were all raised in two totally different ways. I have fretted over my lack of social grace with my family sometimes though. But what can I do?
South Bend...I'm over it. I didn't realize how much so until recently. Every lonely, sad, angry, hurt, disappointed memory, event and whatever else is connected to that city. All the loss, mistakes, craziness in my life is ALL tied to that place...I never connected it! So, now that I'm on the path to happiness, mental health, emotional balance (lawd) and all that, I realize I can't stay here. It's not because I just can't face my past, I see it all the time, lol. It's that I can't move forward with that cloud over my head. Just not possible. I'll never be happy here. I get that now. So...I'm taking off. Asap. Can't wait. That of course, is temporary as well. I'm taking my time to refocus, and work some things out, pay some small bills off and figure out what is next! I love it, and can't wait.
