Lost one...

Sometimes as an emotional person you run into folks who are less willing to be expressive or open...and you get hurt. The risk you take in opening up to others is sometimes not receiving what you've put out there. That hurts, and it makes it just a little harder for you to be open going forward. I love all the people in my life, they wouldn't be there if I didn't. But it's hard to love some when they don't want you to. People have said that you shouldn't hold on to those who don't you...but my whole life I felt like no one fought to hold onto me...and so I have a hard time letting go.

Random!

New blog! Yay! So I'm feeling ok for now. Lol...life can be so complicated sometimes. Anyway, my day off, I'm laying here, early, can't sleep per usual. So...this single thing is still bugging me. Ah well. Often it's hard to convey to someone that you care for them if they seem not to be receiving. It's hard for me to continue to give to someone who appears not to be getting it all the time. That can be rough. And then who at almost thirty wants to even be trying to figure someone out? Not me...but I'm doing it anyway. *sigh* We'll see, because it always seems I choose the most difficult path possible to get what I want, lol. In other news, I'm a chipper person in general, but between church, my job and depression...I'm bout tired. Just saying, lol...it gets tiring the emotions you go through sometimes, especially when the situations are awkward for you or high pressure. As a dreamer (all I do is sit and think) I am constantly coming up with something I want to do. If I sat down with a team, I could create an entire non-profit org that covered a hell of a lot of bases at one time. Problem? Funding. But I shall find it! I'm writing because I'm awake and alone. Some day when I'm not alone I'll look back and read this and ask for my freedom back, lol, so I'll embrace it for now. But love would be nice. I'm open to it. Often when people have experienced love, and they know the work it takes, they warn against wishing for it too soon. I'm at the point where to me when it comes it wasn't soon enough. But I have to think about the energy I've placed out there (geesh). I hate to come across as unapproachable, as I've been told I just look like I don't want to be bothered. And honestly, that's true, as I don't want to be bothered with fakes and phoneys...lames and ridiculousness. If you're none of that, come say hi. I'm supposed to be guarded. I'm a sweetheart though, lol. Until someone says they'd enjoy my company exclusively and I feel I'd enjoy theirs too...it's open season, lol! So...let's talk about children. And how I don't know if I want them. Ever. But in reality I'm open minded. But I still don't know. When I was a little girl all I ever wanted to do was to grow up, get married and pop out several babies. Now...I'm looking like...eh. I enjoy my freedom and most everyone around me struggles with their kids and balancing being an active adult. So it's important to me NOT to be a single parent, as I covet my privacy and ability to move around and it would be of the utmost importance to me to have a partner who was willing to share the responsibility of raising our child. I don't want to hear ANY CRAP about the father being the provider and the mother taking care of home unless I'm a stay at home mom. If I'm working too, the child thing has to be a joint effort. With men so often not taking responsibility I truly can say I'm cool on it for now. It's hard enough dealing with the men I have...can't imagine dealing with them and a baby in the picture. *horrified face* lmao! I've had the opportunity to speak to some ladies lately and share what I've learned over the course of my life. We so often are so ready to sign over our hearts, priorities, thoughts and allat to a brother. And believe me, I've done it. We focus so much on love and our lack of it, or the imperfections of our interactions with the men we care for that we end up standing still in our own personal lives. How wack is that? Very, and more women deal with this than will admit it. So often we want love so much more than we want our own personal success, and we can't admit that to ourselves. Why do we allow others to make us feel pitiful because we desire to have relationships and families? That's strange. So I don't feel pitiful because I want it, I feel pitiful because I don't have it! LMAO! True at times. But I've finally begun to realize how much control I DON'T have over the situation. I'm not beating off prospects with a stick! Nor am I dating regularly, and I'm 28, so naturally love and marriage is on my mind. But anyway I just have been trying to encourage the ladies that have come to me to focus on themselves. That's the best advice I can give. I'm not saying quit thinking about dating and marriage, but you're not getting any closer to it by constantly thinking about it and maneuvering your life around a man that's clearly not prepared for what you want. Let him continue doing him, and you do you! You don't necessarily have to cut someone off because the situation is not ideal. You just adjust your focus. I could write more, and I will later.

Full of it...

Alright, it's been a while since I've blogged. I went through a period where I wondered why I felt it necessary to 'write' online about my personal life...then I realize it's therapeutic for me and may help me in the future. So...many things in my life are not the way that I would like them to be, but I have finally grown into some of the things I thought I would not ever be able to. Having dealt with a ridiculous amount of emotional strain I finally have gotten to the point where I don't care as much about the opinions of others. I'm going to continue to share how I feel. I guess I've always sought approval from people because I didn't feel like I got it back in the day. Validation is important to those who've never felt like they were valid. Anyway, let's talk about how I'm feeling. So...still single. In part it's cool, but in other ways it's frustrating. It always seems the ones you care about are the ones who are determined to prove it's not worth it. I'm trying to remain optimistic about dating but it just doesn't seem...likely that a man is going to want to deal with me. And even how I say that is self deprecating, but I do recognize that I'm a different type of woman. There are things that I'm working on, things I realize I have to improve about myself, but overall I'm a hand full. I get that. I am boisterous, opinionated and have a whole lot of guards up...but that would be because I've been taken advantage of. I'd love to meet someone and fall all in love and whatnot...and it seems to be happening all around me, but it's definitely not seeming to want to come my way. I'm a romantic, and I love to do things to make others feel special because everyone deserves it. Call me crazy but the things that I've felt I've lacked I love to offer others because I know how it feels to feel like no one gives a damn. But anyway, I'm not prepared NOT to be single either...so I wish I could get it off my mind. I just want to meet a man that makes me feel like it's ok to let go, and he makes me feel like I can be me and he can handle that. All around me my loved ones don't know what to do with me, lol...and all my loved ones have their own things they need to sort out. Well I want to sort my stuff OUT. I want to be healthy and joyful. And I'm on the way too...it's a journey I don't mind taking because I know just how far I've come. And recently I've begun to understand some things about myself as it pertains to men. I've never had a problem with male attention, and it's never bothered me until a few days ago. I realized that I make men too comfortable with me, and that's why I have so many male friends. I mean, really I'm a free thinking type of person, who just so happens to be a woman...and I'm very comfortable with my sexuality. That can come across somewhat aggravating to most women, and great to most men. But thank God I can see it now, lol. It's made me want to ease WAY back from most of my male friends excluding my two bests, because they truly accept me for me, and them boys love me. No matter what they don't look at me too crazy. I don't know how THIS will play out, but suddenly I don't have the desire to be so chummy with all the guys. And I guess that's because I really just want one. I've finally gotten a taste of what I want to do. I want to offer what I can to young ladies who have dealt with any of the things I've dealt with as a kid. I'm going to start a support group for young ladies that have lost their parents, been affected by a parent being a drug addict, been neglected, abandoned, molested, abused physically and mentally. I want these girls to understand that as a grown woman I still fight this battle. Although I'm winning, and I believe I will win, it's ongoing, and it's not easy, but there ARE people who have gone through what these kids might be experiencing now. I believe there are a ton of young women who feel they aren't worth anything, or are angry because their lives have been affected so heavily by the decisions of others. And while we may be in a position to have control of our lives the past paralyzes us. With parents being so much younger and attitudes about recreational drugs being so much more loose I can imagine there are quite a few kids that are left feeling worthless and unloved. I know I fight that fight every day! I have a hard time being consistent in my relationships with people, although I desire to have healthy and consistent friendships. I've been told that I keep people at arms length anyway. But I guess it's because most of what I feel right now is negative, you know? I'm working through how I feel about life...my past, the present, and the fact that I can't see a future for myself bothers me. I have/had dreams of certain things that just haven't happened. I don't know if it's my fault they haven't happened or not. The fact that I feel like I've lost desire for the things I used to be so excited over frightens me. I hardly sing, practice, write...I used to sit AMONG my friends in music and we could be creative...I miss that! I'm shy now all of a sudden, and feel vulnerable and like my talent is not there. I know it is, but I have no clue how to take it further. Many folks may not know that I can arrange, and teach and HEAR like it's no one's business. Many folks don't know that I simply dreamed of singing background, 3-piece...I feel like that would be perfect for me. I can lead, and would love to just do an acoustic set of all the songs from all the artists who inspire me. At 28 sometimes I feel like I've let my opportunity pass me, and that I've allowed my past to defeat me, because all my issues of insecurity stem from that, and the decisions that I've made since have only served to further exacerbate those issues. And as I still work through those issues, I still engage in things that are supposed to distract me from these feelings that are so overwhelming. When you don't have anyone to counteract the negativity in your head, it can quickly become too much. Lately I don't sleep well, don't eat much, don't trust anyone with how I'm feeling. Sometimes I wish I could reach out and have someone be there for me to cry on their shoulder, but the people in my life haven't been through what I have been through...a piece of it, sure, maybe...and even if they HAVE had a rough life, they bury it so deep, or it really doesn't seem to bother them. Well my past bothers me, and I want to get beyond it. I feel like I've been talking about it forever...and then I realize, I can't get beyond it...I have to accept it. I understand that the decisions made around me had nothing to do with me. But I can't help but wonder why my life seemed so inconsequential. See...that wondering...I don't want to wonder why. I understand addiction, I get that the things we do in life are selfish and sometimes hurt those in life we love. But I still can't wrap my mind around why SO MANY people dropped the ball when I was a kid...I DON'T GET IT. These are the things I'm afraid will scare people off. While my life is full of good things, and I enjoy a good time, and I love to do fun things and laugh and be silly I do have this other piece that's not so exciting. It's not always something that I'm thinking about or talking about but it is there. There are times that I can't sleep, times when I can't eat or talk because it weighs heavy, and I just fear that I won't ever meet anyone that I feel ok with letting them see that side of me. I cried in front of my girlfriend about a month ago, and that bothered me so badly. Because I don't deal well with the hard emotions, and for whatever reason I just feel like it's better to keep it all to yourself, because people will REALLY think you're crazy if you tell them THAT. Whatever that may be at the time. But that's why this organization is important to me. I feel like I've tried to give what I have to those around me and it's been semi rejected. I know that I can offer to these girls, whomever they are, an ear, a sounding board and someone who will help to lift them up. I don't want another young woman to grow up with the mistaken idea that she is worthless and no one cares for her. If I could take that feeling from any woman I would pay whatever cost, because I KNOW what it's like to feel utterly out of place, worthless and unloved. To not be taken seriously or to be taken for granted. To this day I still feel like a fish out of water.

New things...

So I've been going to church. And to be exact, I've been going to my old church, lol. It's a nerve thing with me sometimes, as I left for a reason, but I never realized how far acknowledgement and apologies go. Now I have not been going to church for quite some time now, and I really had no interest in going back. I was totally content NOT going actually, but I was open when it appeared it was time to return. And it's different because I've learned so much in the mean time, and am able to take in what is for me and leave what is not. So often I would take everything that was said in church as gospel, and I took it all so seriously. I was just a bit...well maybe a whole lot naive. But I'm adjusting and in my prayers I talk to God about how different I am. I need help in the area of faith, because I constantly question what is truth. It's hard being a Christian when so many people just follow so blindly. I'm not going to be able to do it. The crazy part guys is that I don't know that I believe fully myself all the time. BUT what I do believe is what I've seen/heard over the years. I definitely have a place in ministry, but I promise I feel like a mix between Peter and Thomas. I need to get to a comfortable, clear place. I think I'll go for a walk now.

Changes!

We all go through them, don't we? I'm having the hardest time accepting certain things in my life, and struggling with the idea of what to do next. I find myself thinking about my future and what I can do to make my existence happy. I've been a singer for years, and I want to continue to sing, but I'm not making a living at it. And now that I'm just two years away from 30 I'm evaluating all those things! I don't have any children, and no attachments to my hometown like that. I've come to the point where I'm ready to relocate, but I'm not sure where. So many things are up in the air for me right now. I'm trying to be encouraged and I find a little fulfillment in taking my needs as priority. I don't think I have ever been first really. But I'm working on that as well. I am working diligently just to be a better me so I can show someone else what can happen if you persevere. It's just that sometimes I don't know if I'll make it. The day to day is killer. Honestly it is sometimes! I won't lie, a part of this is brought on by certain emotions I'm feeling as I type this, and I just hope things improve. I certainly need something to encourage me to keep going. Working in "corporate" sucks. You certainly don't get anywhere based on merit, skill and experience. Ideally I would run a business that involved me managing or organizing for my clients. Something like an empowered personal assistant. I organize events, coordinate schedules, can do it all basically. And I enjoy seeing my work pay off for someone. Just pay me. I enjoy talking to people and teaching them things. I'd love to educate people on things like personal finance and I'd love to teach people some basic computer skills...no clue how to translate any of that to a job. Btw, my 10 year high school reunion is in August...we'll see. And I met the Notre Dame QB. Cool guy, although I still don't have any love for ND.

Hello again...

So, per usual I'm writing when I'm feeling somewhat low. I'm not feeling terribly, but just thinking about things that aren't all that pleasant. This whole process of healing thing is hard, because you have to face all the negativity before you can turn to something better, and it is rough sometimes. I think all I ever wanted was someone who cared about me, the way I cared about all the other people around me. I wanted to be a part of someone's life...feel like I was essential to something, that I had some sort of purpose, but that's always escaped me. I guess I realized one day that I either have to find satisfaction within myself or I'd go crazy. I'm not sure anyone would understand what I'm talking about. Imagine having a mother who just dies all of a sudden, and going to live with someone whose life revolved around an addiction. Sure my father loved me, but he was slave to something else, causing my well being to be second to his high. So as a result I was neglected, molested and left like I was nothing. Even when I was tracked down, no one ever asked me about the experience...or inquired as to what happened to me. I was BASICALLY taken care of...as in I wasn't hungry and if I needed to I could eat, but I wasn't loved, or at least I didn't FEEL loved. I didn't get to run around with my siblings or grow up with my cousins. I didn't get to build a sense of family...the only other child I grew up with...we never got along as kids, we fought all the time. I think the desire for that has caused me to compromise so many times, just so I could feel like or pretend that I meant something to someone else. I don't think many people know what that feels like. I still feel like I should just get over it, but I don't know how necessarily. There are people in my life that I care about deeply, I love them greatly, and they're wonderful in the places they hold in my life. I can't pull on them to fill a void they didn't create. I don't want to lash out at others because they don't feel for me what I want someone to feel for me. The relationships I desire are created from when you're very young...and they're familial. So...how DO I get past this? I'm not sure, but I'm working on it. I face it every day, so I hope it gets easier. I don't want to ignore or hide it, I just don't want it to cause me pain and disfunction my whole life. I don't care what anyone else thinks about my feelings, or if they care about it, I just don't want to be miserable. I'm not unhappy all the time, but it's the moments I realize how I've tried to fill that void that bother me. It just seems so pitiful...I'm trying to learn how to interact with others, how to hold and engage in "normal" interactions with people so that I can keep moving forward. And it's something I have to do myself. I want something of my own.

Phases

I have begun to feel as though blogging is foolish, and that it is silly to put my personal thoughts "out". But who cares about that? It might help someone some day. I know most of the time I write when I'm upset...it's a venting tool often, *shrug*. Now...the last several years have all culminated to this point that I'm at now. I'm not...upset about it, or feeling like I'm in the wrong place, I'm just wondering what the result will be. I've always been a "feeling" person, and as someone who devoted most of her life to the church, I have frequently heard about how our feelings can be incorrect and a fault and that we ought not do things based off of them. Well that's a hard thing for someone who is SO driven by emotion. I haven't been to church in a long while, but before that happened I had this sense of something coming. I can't REALLY describe it, except to say that I felt like something drastic and big was going to happen. I had been feeling restless, had been sleeping less, and it was just really crazy for a minute. Everything around me was an irritation. I so often had projected onto myself expectations I felt others had of me. Doing things because I felt like I was supposed to, not because I wanted to or knew that it was what I needed to be doing. I had been taught about this loving God who was to redeem my soul, and how much He loved me, and I was told how I needed to conduct myself in order to receive the blessings that he had for me. I listened to that, and took the bait, hook, line and sinker. BUT, I had devoted my time to church for a more subconscious reason, and that was that I just wanted to belong somewhere, and the church initially welcomed me with open arms. And don't misinterpret for anyone who knows me, this isn't about a single church, it's about my experiences at ALL churches over the years. I got caught up in the clothes, the clique, and the lifestyle and culture of church, but I didn't necessarily grow into a long lasting, strong relationship with God. I spoke to God frequently, prayed, went to ALL the services I was supposed to in order to be one of the few to make it down that "narrow" road. My emotions and whatnot, however, caught up with me. I'm a thinking person. I evaluate. I analyze, and analyze again. Some say I overanalyze. That could be true. Nevertheless, I have always been the same person. I'm usually fine with everything...until I'm not. And one day, I was not fine with my existence. I realized that by seeking validation through the church and through subjecting myself to being criticized and at points embarrassed, and allowing others (and they may never know)to place thoughts about myself which weren't always pleasant, I'd become someone other than me. Following rules that I don't agree with, taking opinions as some sort of gospel fact, and turning a blind eye to everything around me that looked off ultimately contributed to my separation from church. I have never been able to stand by and watch or participate in something that doesn't seem right to me for very long. I'm not the first person to come to these conclusions, or the last person. But what I don't want to do is fall back into the same cycle just because I'm afraid of any other path. I'm not at all afraid to say I'm NOT SURE what path is right for me. I'm also not afraid to say I question my faith, all the time. I ask God to help my unbelief! I read the word. I know what it says, even though I can't sit and just QUOTE it verbatim, I am aware of what the bible says. And as a thinking person I have to ask God what's right. And you would think that people would understand that. I want to be sure that my relationship with God is MINE. And if what we're taught is right, God sees that, knows my heart and my desire. So many people go to church, hear the rules and don't live by them and they pick and choose what they want to abide by. So many things are so contradictory, and raise so many questions, and for every one of those questions is a perfect answer. For THIS question the answer is that back in the day they did things this way, so that's why this is considered void as we're no longer in that time. For THIS question, we'll never be perfect, as we're sinners naturally when we're born...but resist yourself at every turn. I mean, all of that is cool, but it all sounds like a big circle of nothing to me these days. It's like, God, if you're up there...really...how do I get to you? I'm afraid of dying without at least feeling like I'm sure what's next. I'm not worried about whether anyone else is going to get to you, but dangit I'd like to know what's real. Do you even KNOW the number of variations people have of the story of redemption and salvation? And how many people feel that their exact way and path is correct and the only way? That just sounds crazy in light of how we're taught about how much God loved his creation...and then historically he destroyed his creation because they got beside themselves. I'm like...God, is that really what's up? Is it true that only a few will make it to you? Is the path THAT narrow? In this age I feel like everything is about confusion and mayhem. Our kids are confused, adults are too. No one seems to really GET IT. Well I have zero intention of being lost or confused forever. How do you KNOW something unless it's been tried and tested? I have the right to do so, and thus I am. I may not do many things right, but I definitely want to end this journey on the right note. I separated myself from most of my "church" people as I've tried it their way, and it hasn't worked for me so far. There are things about myself that I'm learning, and I want to continue to learn, but I don't want to hear the same things I've been hearing all along...people don't seem to get that either, lol. I'm like...um, I already know this, and it hasn't helped me so far. Thanks. We'll see what happens! I'm in a good space, although I'm unsure of the future. I feel closer to freedom every day. There are so many facets to life. I love music, I love to rap, sing, write, and arrange. I love gospel, rap, rock, classical, jazz, pop...heck, there are even some country songs that are pretty tight to me. But as a believer I'm taught that if I don't use my talent for the Lord, it's really of none effect. UM. first off, how is it that you can dictate to me what using my talent for the Lord is? Since when is God's work limited to the church? AND I'd love to know how most black churches can explain their lack of growth and stagnancy when they're "following the vision God has for the church". Jesus didn't build a great temple then wait for the people to come, his ministry was based on being in the midst of the people, and church is NOT THAT. I don't see any churches TAKING the word of God to people on a large scale. If there are so many of us who believe, and believe so tough that we want to see everyone around us believe the same thing, I think there would be much more activity and many less building funds. I could talk about this all day, but I won't. I'm not saying I'm right about anything...these are MY thoughts...and with everything, as I learn, thoughts change. We'll see what the conclusion is.