Random!

New blog! Yay! So I'm feeling ok for now. Lol...life can be so complicated sometimes. Anyway, my day off, I'm laying here, early, can't sleep per usual. So...this single thing is still bugging me. Ah well. Often it's hard to convey to someone that you care for them if they seem not to be receiving. It's hard for me to continue to give to someone who appears not to be getting it all the time. That can be rough. And then who at almost thirty wants to even be trying to figure someone out? Not me...but I'm doing it anyway. *sigh* We'll see, because it always seems I choose the most difficult path possible to get what I want, lol. In other news, I'm a chipper person in general, but between church, my job and depression...I'm bout tired. Just saying, lol...it gets tiring the emotions you go through sometimes, especially when the situations are awkward for you or high pressure. As a dreamer (all I do is sit and think) I am constantly coming up with something I want to do. If I sat down with a team, I could create an entire non-profit org that covered a hell of a lot of bases at one time. Problem? Funding. But I shall find it! I'm writing because I'm awake and alone. Some day when I'm not alone I'll look back and read this and ask for my freedom back, lol, so I'll embrace it for now. But love would be nice. I'm open to it. Often when people have experienced love, and they know the work it takes, they warn against wishing for it too soon. I'm at the point where to me when it comes it wasn't soon enough. But I have to think about the energy I've placed out there (geesh). I hate to come across as unapproachable, as I've been told I just look like I don't want to be bothered. And honestly, that's true, as I don't want to be bothered with fakes and phoneys...lames and ridiculousness. If you're none of that, come say hi. I'm supposed to be guarded. I'm a sweetheart though, lol. Until someone says they'd enjoy my company exclusively and I feel I'd enjoy theirs too...it's open season, lol! So...let's talk about children. And how I don't know if I want them. Ever. But in reality I'm open minded. But I still don't know. When I was a little girl all I ever wanted to do was to grow up, get married and pop out several babies. Now...I'm looking like...eh. I enjoy my freedom and most everyone around me struggles with their kids and balancing being an active adult. So it's important to me NOT to be a single parent, as I covet my privacy and ability to move around and it would be of the utmost importance to me to have a partner who was willing to share the responsibility of raising our child. I don't want to hear ANY CRAP about the father being the provider and the mother taking care of home unless I'm a stay at home mom. If I'm working too, the child thing has to be a joint effort. With men so often not taking responsibility I truly can say I'm cool on it for now. It's hard enough dealing with the men I have...can't imagine dealing with them and a baby in the picture. *horrified face* lmao! I've had the opportunity to speak to some ladies lately and share what I've learned over the course of my life. We so often are so ready to sign over our hearts, priorities, thoughts and allat to a brother. And believe me, I've done it. We focus so much on love and our lack of it, or the imperfections of our interactions with the men we care for that we end up standing still in our own personal lives. How wack is that? Very, and more women deal with this than will admit it. So often we want love so much more than we want our own personal success, and we can't admit that to ourselves. Why do we allow others to make us feel pitiful because we desire to have relationships and families? That's strange. So I don't feel pitiful because I want it, I feel pitiful because I don't have it! LMAO! True at times. But I've finally begun to realize how much control I DON'T have over the situation. I'm not beating off prospects with a stick! Nor am I dating regularly, and I'm 28, so naturally love and marriage is on my mind. But anyway I just have been trying to encourage the ladies that have come to me to focus on themselves. That's the best advice I can give. I'm not saying quit thinking about dating and marriage, but you're not getting any closer to it by constantly thinking about it and maneuvering your life around a man that's clearly not prepared for what you want. Let him continue doing him, and you do you! You don't necessarily have to cut someone off because the situation is not ideal. You just adjust your focus. I could write more, and I will later.