Full of it...

Alright, it's been a while since I've blogged. I went through a period where I wondered why I felt it necessary to 'write' online about my personal life...then I realize it's therapeutic for me and may help me in the future. So...many things in my life are not the way that I would like them to be, but I have finally grown into some of the things I thought I would not ever be able to. Having dealt with a ridiculous amount of emotional strain I finally have gotten to the point where I don't care as much about the opinions of others. I'm going to continue to share how I feel. I guess I've always sought approval from people because I didn't feel like I got it back in the day. Validation is important to those who've never felt like they were valid. Anyway, let's talk about how I'm feeling. So...still single. In part it's cool, but in other ways it's frustrating. It always seems the ones you care about are the ones who are determined to prove it's not worth it. I'm trying to remain optimistic about dating but it just doesn't seem...likely that a man is going to want to deal with me. And even how I say that is self deprecating, but I do recognize that I'm a different type of woman. There are things that I'm working on, things I realize I have to improve about myself, but overall I'm a hand full. I get that. I am boisterous, opinionated and have a whole lot of guards up...but that would be because I've been taken advantage of. I'd love to meet someone and fall all in love and whatnot...and it seems to be happening all around me, but it's definitely not seeming to want to come my way. I'm a romantic, and I love to do things to make others feel special because everyone deserves it. Call me crazy but the things that I've felt I've lacked I love to offer others because I know how it feels to feel like no one gives a damn. But anyway, I'm not prepared NOT to be single either...so I wish I could get it off my mind. I just want to meet a man that makes me feel like it's ok to let go, and he makes me feel like I can be me and he can handle that. All around me my loved ones don't know what to do with me, lol...and all my loved ones have their own things they need to sort out. Well I want to sort my stuff OUT. I want to be healthy and joyful. And I'm on the way too...it's a journey I don't mind taking because I know just how far I've come. And recently I've begun to understand some things about myself as it pertains to men. I've never had a problem with male attention, and it's never bothered me until a few days ago. I realized that I make men too comfortable with me, and that's why I have so many male friends. I mean, really I'm a free thinking type of person, who just so happens to be a woman...and I'm very comfortable with my sexuality. That can come across somewhat aggravating to most women, and great to most men. But thank God I can see it now, lol. It's made me want to ease WAY back from most of my male friends excluding my two bests, because they truly accept me for me, and them boys love me. No matter what they don't look at me too crazy. I don't know how THIS will play out, but suddenly I don't have the desire to be so chummy with all the guys. And I guess that's because I really just want one. I've finally gotten a taste of what I want to do. I want to offer what I can to young ladies who have dealt with any of the things I've dealt with as a kid. I'm going to start a support group for young ladies that have lost their parents, been affected by a parent being a drug addict, been neglected, abandoned, molested, abused physically and mentally. I want these girls to understand that as a grown woman I still fight this battle. Although I'm winning, and I believe I will win, it's ongoing, and it's not easy, but there ARE people who have gone through what these kids might be experiencing now. I believe there are a ton of young women who feel they aren't worth anything, or are angry because their lives have been affected so heavily by the decisions of others. And while we may be in a position to have control of our lives the past paralyzes us. With parents being so much younger and attitudes about recreational drugs being so much more loose I can imagine there are quite a few kids that are left feeling worthless and unloved. I know I fight that fight every day! I have a hard time being consistent in my relationships with people, although I desire to have healthy and consistent friendships. I've been told that I keep people at arms length anyway. But I guess it's because most of what I feel right now is negative, you know? I'm working through how I feel about life...my past, the present, and the fact that I can't see a future for myself bothers me. I have/had dreams of certain things that just haven't happened. I don't know if it's my fault they haven't happened or not. The fact that I feel like I've lost desire for the things I used to be so excited over frightens me. I hardly sing, practice, write...I used to sit AMONG my friends in music and we could be creative...I miss that! I'm shy now all of a sudden, and feel vulnerable and like my talent is not there. I know it is, but I have no clue how to take it further. Many folks may not know that I can arrange, and teach and HEAR like it's no one's business. Many folks don't know that I simply dreamed of singing background, 3-piece...I feel like that would be perfect for me. I can lead, and would love to just do an acoustic set of all the songs from all the artists who inspire me. At 28 sometimes I feel like I've let my opportunity pass me, and that I've allowed my past to defeat me, because all my issues of insecurity stem from that, and the decisions that I've made since have only served to further exacerbate those issues. And as I still work through those issues, I still engage in things that are supposed to distract me from these feelings that are so overwhelming. When you don't have anyone to counteract the negativity in your head, it can quickly become too much. Lately I don't sleep well, don't eat much, don't trust anyone with how I'm feeling. Sometimes I wish I could reach out and have someone be there for me to cry on their shoulder, but the people in my life haven't been through what I have been through...a piece of it, sure, maybe...and even if they HAVE had a rough life, they bury it so deep, or it really doesn't seem to bother them. Well my past bothers me, and I want to get beyond it. I feel like I've been talking about it forever...and then I realize, I can't get beyond it...I have to accept it. I understand that the decisions made around me had nothing to do with me. But I can't help but wonder why my life seemed so inconsequential. See...that wondering...I don't want to wonder why. I understand addiction, I get that the things we do in life are selfish and sometimes hurt those in life we love. But I still can't wrap my mind around why SO MANY people dropped the ball when I was a kid...I DON'T GET IT. These are the things I'm afraid will scare people off. While my life is full of good things, and I enjoy a good time, and I love to do fun things and laugh and be silly I do have this other piece that's not so exciting. It's not always something that I'm thinking about or talking about but it is there. There are times that I can't sleep, times when I can't eat or talk because it weighs heavy, and I just fear that I won't ever meet anyone that I feel ok with letting them see that side of me. I cried in front of my girlfriend about a month ago, and that bothered me so badly. Because I don't deal well with the hard emotions, and for whatever reason I just feel like it's better to keep it all to yourself, because people will REALLY think you're crazy if you tell them THAT. Whatever that may be at the time. But that's why this organization is important to me. I feel like I've tried to give what I have to those around me and it's been semi rejected. I know that I can offer to these girls, whomever they are, an ear, a sounding board and someone who will help to lift them up. I don't want another young woman to grow up with the mistaken idea that she is worthless and no one cares for her. If I could take that feeling from any woman I would pay whatever cost, because I KNOW what it's like to feel utterly out of place, worthless and unloved. To not be taken seriously or to be taken for granted. To this day I still feel like a fish out of water.