Hello again...

So, per usual I'm writing when I'm feeling somewhat low. I'm not feeling terribly, but just thinking about things that aren't all that pleasant. This whole process of healing thing is hard, because you have to face all the negativity before you can turn to something better, and it is rough sometimes. I think all I ever wanted was someone who cared about me, the way I cared about all the other people around me. I wanted to be a part of someone's life...feel like I was essential to something, that I had some sort of purpose, but that's always escaped me. I guess I realized one day that I either have to find satisfaction within myself or I'd go crazy. I'm not sure anyone would understand what I'm talking about. Imagine having a mother who just dies all of a sudden, and going to live with someone whose life revolved around an addiction. Sure my father loved me, but he was slave to something else, causing my well being to be second to his high. So as a result I was neglected, molested and left like I was nothing. Even when I was tracked down, no one ever asked me about the experience...or inquired as to what happened to me. I was BASICALLY taken care of...as in I wasn't hungry and if I needed to I could eat, but I wasn't loved, or at least I didn't FEEL loved. I didn't get to run around with my siblings or grow up with my cousins. I didn't get to build a sense of family...the only other child I grew up with...we never got along as kids, we fought all the time. I think the desire for that has caused me to compromise so many times, just so I could feel like or pretend that I meant something to someone else. I don't think many people know what that feels like. I still feel like I should just get over it, but I don't know how necessarily. There are people in my life that I care about deeply, I love them greatly, and they're wonderful in the places they hold in my life. I can't pull on them to fill a void they didn't create. I don't want to lash out at others because they don't feel for me what I want someone to feel for me. The relationships I desire are created from when you're very young...and they're familial. So...how DO I get past this? I'm not sure, but I'm working on it. I face it every day, so I hope it gets easier. I don't want to ignore or hide it, I just don't want it to cause me pain and disfunction my whole life. I don't care what anyone else thinks about my feelings, or if they care about it, I just don't want to be miserable. I'm not unhappy all the time, but it's the moments I realize how I've tried to fill that void that bother me. It just seems so pitiful...I'm trying to learn how to interact with others, how to hold and engage in "normal" interactions with people so that I can keep moving forward. And it's something I have to do myself. I want something of my own.