I'm so awkward lmao

So...men compliment me, men come up to me, men ask me out...and it's SO disconcerting to me lmao...don't get me wrong...I like a good compliment as much if not more than the next chick. What always surprises me is JUST HOW MUCH someone finds me attractive. It's just very interesting to me, because I wonder what exactly it is that they see! This isn't a "I have low self esteem" post, just me saying I genuinely feel I'm just a regular gal, lol...but hey, if you like it I love it!

Going home...

Good morning! Okay, so I went home, and it was the most refreshing experience. I always tend to reflect on my experiences as they relate to my journey to peace, and I like to chronicle my growth! Firstly, let me say just how much I value my circle of friends. We are all a little nuts, fully amazing...we probably pack more amazing in than any one group of friends should be allowed to have. We for the most part have been family since high school. I say family because we have been through the most together, and I just bless God that we all are closer at this stage than ever, because we need each other! At any rate...my friends are amazing! I love, love, love them, and they have no idea how much! Liiiiiiike...since I've relocated I have missed my friends a lot, and it's made adjusting a little bit more difficult because making friends isn't easy! It's almost like dating lol...you find someone then gotta try them out to see if they work out! But anyway, this weekend felt like everything came full circle for me. I realized just how much love I have for my folks and how much I value them. I thought over a lot of the things we BEEN through...and it just made me love them that much more. To be able to make it through your life with a group of people, through loving each other, hating each other lmao, travelling, singing and all our shenanigans we are STILL here! Like...STILL! I know that in this first year of being on another side of the country it was easy to darn near forget the strength of the bonds I have at home, because naturally we don't speak as much and I don't get to SEE my friends. But I know I felt their absence! I questioned myself and my move even at times! But being home this weekend solidified that our bond is incomparable and that I won't be moving back to Indiana lmao. I've never actually felt connected like that...many people that I love won't understand what I mean when I say that. But up until I came home and got to see my loved ones faces I didn't quite get it. Everyone kept asking me how I felt coming home and I'm like...I felt great! It was so great to see everybody! I loved it. But then again, God has so richly blessed me to be able to receive and give love fully. I LOVE my friends and family, blood or otherwise.

Today is difficult...

Today is difficult! First today is difficult because I know that I have caused my financial strain...and I repeat the same cycle. Today is difficult because I realize that I struggle to interact with others and have open communication because most interactions leave me feeling defensive. I'm frustrated to have to say that. Today I am frustrated because I feel like I'm still that young girl who needs to be taught and directed...but wasn't. I don't feel like I know enough, that I have enough drive to continue to change my habits. I don't feel I have the type of support I need, and I feel like I wouldn't be able to accept it anyway. A part of me just wants to give it all up because I don't think I'm making it...and a part of me wants to give up because I don't think I CAN make it. I hate feeling like people don't understand, and I hate feeling like I need to express. I get tired of being encouraged, and I get tired of not having help. I don't want to share my life, but I don't think I can survive if I don't. I hate feeling like I'm too old to feel like this. I hate feeling like it's okay to feel how I do but society says I should have my shit together. My shit's not together...who can help with that? I hate that my life is largely centered around the effects of my childhood. I hate that I can't get past my low moods. I hate that I had to cry today, and I hate that no one was there to tell me it will get better. I hate having to reach out to people to tell them what's going on, and hate that no one looks for me if I stop reaching out. It's hard to admit to yourself that you might just be all fucked up...and then tomorrow, when I feel better, and motivated, I will be able to help someone who feels just like I do, but then I still will have no one to help me. Aside from a therapist. I especially hate that someone will read this and still not get it.

I realize...

I'm introspective often. This doesn't mean that I always process correctly or react correctly but more so that I am constantly observing myself with the goal of understanding just how I'm processing information and emotions. In my romantic endeavors I have always had a NEED for the person with whom I was connected to, so much so that if they decided it wasn't for them, it left me devastated because so much of my worth was tied to the way people felt about me. Someone deciding that they didn't want to pursue me made me feel like I was unworthy of love. Totally not their fault! I have grown so much in the last few years that I UNDERSTAND that I am not for everyone and that everyone is not for me. Unfortunately, I don't as easily give my trust, and I don't as easily open up. I sometimes misunderstand and I sometimes get defensive. It's a natural reaction but I'm to the point that I can recognize it and acknowledge and talk about it. I will one day be able to stop feeling like I have to defend myself against invisible threats, but for now...it just is what it is. I pray that I continue to dwell in that moment and embrace my encounters as they come. Right now though my life is on a path that is for me but then again it's not ABOUT me. I so realize things are just not all about me. I feel so humbled lately with the press of this book and the idea of speaking to crowds to share MY story, and help someone get better that I have no choice but to continue to grow. This is a rambling, but I needed to type it out! I'm content to wait for someone who doesn't mind my whole. My story is a part of me, and certain things are just going to be an ongoing work. I will never be perfect, but I promise to be always pressing. Whether or not I'm pressing hard enough or fast enough for some or not I have to let go...which sucks, but I mean...things suck in life. I get that too. We all go through sucky things, whether our life started excellent or SUPER sucky.

Why must I feel like that?

So I woke this morning feeling very anxious/worried/off. I immediately got to praying. I also meditate, because I feel I have the tools to change my internal climate. I wanted to talk it out...so here I am, typing it out. I initially was feeling some stress because I'm working on so many things at once. I'm working on finances, working on this book, COMPLETELY overwhelmed in starting up this nonprofit. I believe that it will all come together though. I have to discipline my spending, and I think that it is coming. I've certainly gotten better with everything thank God. So anyway, I began to think on this past weekend. I'm in a new area, it's been a year this upcoming week! I have met some WONDERFUL people...and I'm not surprised, I love people. So that's good! Friendships have always been important to me because I grew up without many close ties to anyone in my eyes. I felt disconnected so my friendship circle is important because I simply don't fool with everyone like THAT. Whenever conflict arises I shy from it...seriously shy from it! I don't enjoy having to spaz on anyone I consider cool with me. I'd rather just distance myself from you, because why should I have to feel uncomfortable because YOU can't act right? Right? I don't know. But anyway, my home is like...my space...I don't like to have any riff raff, no extra in my home. If I ask you to come over, that means I have the expectation that you will respect me, AND my home! Unfortunately I had a friend step all the way over the line, sweep it up, and keep walking...and really my anger isn't about what they did, but moreso with myself because I know I'm always going to be on the journey to complete emotional healing because I felt GUILTY that I was SO UPSET. I felt bad because in my mind, there's no conversation to be had, I just cut things off. The idea that I feel like I owe someone who has offended me ANYTHING is abhorrent to me. I have to buck up, and learn how to deal with conflict! So this will be my challenge to myself. To handle things as they come and be direct, and NOT allow myself to feel like it's my fault that someone else misbehaves. I get to be friendly, I get to be attractive and sexy and all that, and that doesn't mean that I should be VIOLATED. It pisses me off that people think every friendly female is DTF. I like PEOPLE, male and female alike and I will NOT BE REDUCED to a mere sexual object. I refuse to allow ANYONE to dictate to me who I can befriend!

Why do we have to come up with titles?

I'm like, never good at coming up with titles for these things...they're my random musings, emotional or otherwise. Anyway. For the last several years I have been on this journey to mental and emotional health. I've closed some chapters, and am still working on others. Even though I have let go of the anger I felt toward so many, I do still deal with my own emotions and internal climate. I still fight this feeling that I'm unloved and unwanted, underappreciated and not nurtured enough. It makes me needy at times and it's not something I enjoy. Today I feel pretty alright, albeit tired because I was on the phone with one of my dearest friends with whom I'd had a falling out. I love our growth! Anyway...as I journey with this book and with my own therapy and things, I am really discovering all of what I am passionate about. I desire to educate, inform and assist those who have been left behind. As I think over the years, I say, well where are the folks who are here to assist those who DIDN'T get it right the first, or even the second time? I remember always feeling ashamed in my shortcomings and feeling as though I was underdeveloped. I knew nothing about finances, the importance of education and/or entrepreneurship. Coupled with my past and a complete ignorance about becoming an adult, I fumbled my way through my 20's ruining my credit, self esteem and hell everything else! Working in customer service and collections for financial institutions allowed me to learn that the general public is not well educated about the abc's of life. They aren't properly prepared to make wise and well informed decisions. I took a class that talked about the McDonaldization of the US and it was RIGHT. In every aspect we opt for what is quickest, cheapest and most convenient, even if it's not what's best. I want to spend my time assisting people who want to change their MIND, so they can change their future. I remember going through a free budget counseling program and the advisor was VERY rude. I never want to see another person go through that. It can be frustrating to try to fix finances, but it can be done! I was never someone who looked to the future and made long term plans. Long term to me is not 5 years, I'm talking ONE YEAR is long term to me. The idea of taking a year to pay off my small debt balance was soooooooooo depressing. The idea of not being able to shop, travel, hang out like I like to was devastating. I still have difficulty exercising discipline in this area, but it's gotten SO MUCH BETTER!!! If I have my way (I love you Chrisette Michele! Random I know, lol) I will be teaching seminars and hosting support groups for people like myself, who got it wrong but want to get it right!

Progression is painful.

This last year I have challenged myself in ways that I never would have been able to fathom. Ever. I moved from my hometown of 28 1/2 years (I lived in Bloomington for 1 1/2 years for school) and relocated across the country, on the east coast in an area I never even knew I'd totally fall in love with. I started my book, with the aim of helping those who have felt the way that I have, or been through some of the things I've been through. I have always had this tendency to downplay my own feelings to consider the feelings of another, which feels inauthentic to me. I enjoy being totally forthright and open with myself and others. I am learning to change my inner climate, and stop concentrating so much on trying to change my atmosphere. I realize that things will not always happen with my comfort in mind. I also realize that if I do not act to ensure my own comfort, no one else will either. It's funny, because at home I always felt that I was a flower who was stuck in her bud, never having the opportunity or enough confidence to bloom. Now that I'm in a new area, I still am having issues blooming, although I can say it's happening much faster than I thought! It's natural for me now to not even try to pursue things I've desired. It's silly really. I've wanted to go to auditions that I didn't because I talked myself out of it, procrastinated with singing because of my fear of failure, which has never really been a problem. It's all this fear of rejection I have. It's the fact that once I put that out there, it's out there, no turning back! I'm open to whatever criticism folks might have and singing...my voice is the most personal and intimate piece of me. You can sing through all your feelings and it leaves you open and raw. It's not like that for everyone, I get that, and folks who aren't into music like that may not get it either...but that's it. It's that personal. I feel much better now than I did when I woke up, nerves all over the place. All will be well. I'm doing some serious typing with this book, and I've found my co-writer, which is very, very exciting. Things are looking up!