Today is difficult...

Today is difficult! First today is difficult because I know that I have caused my financial strain...and I repeat the same cycle. Today is difficult because I realize that I struggle to interact with others and have open communication because most interactions leave me feeling defensive. I'm frustrated to have to say that. Today I am frustrated because I feel like I'm still that young girl who needs to be taught and directed...but wasn't. I don't feel like I know enough, that I have enough drive to continue to change my habits. I don't feel I have the type of support I need, and I feel like I wouldn't be able to accept it anyway. A part of me just wants to give it all up because I don't think I'm making it...and a part of me wants to give up because I don't think I CAN make it. I hate feeling like people don't understand, and I hate feeling like I need to express. I get tired of being encouraged, and I get tired of not having help. I don't want to share my life, but I don't think I can survive if I don't. I hate feeling like I'm too old to feel like this. I hate feeling like it's okay to feel how I do but society says I should have my shit together. My shit's not together...who can help with that? I hate that my life is largely centered around the effects of my childhood. I hate that I can't get past my low moods. I hate that I had to cry today, and I hate that no one was there to tell me it will get better. I hate having to reach out to people to tell them what's going on, and hate that no one looks for me if I stop reaching out. It's hard to admit to yourself that you might just be all fucked up...and then tomorrow, when I feel better, and motivated, I will be able to help someone who feels just like I do, but then I still will have no one to help me. Aside from a therapist. I especially hate that someone will read this and still not get it.