I realize...

I'm introspective often. This doesn't mean that I always process correctly or react correctly but more so that I am constantly observing myself with the goal of understanding just how I'm processing information and emotions. In my romantic endeavors I have always had a NEED for the person with whom I was connected to, so much so that if they decided it wasn't for them, it left me devastated because so much of my worth was tied to the way people felt about me. Someone deciding that they didn't want to pursue me made me feel like I was unworthy of love. Totally not their fault! I have grown so much in the last few years that I UNDERSTAND that I am not for everyone and that everyone is not for me. Unfortunately, I don't as easily give my trust, and I don't as easily open up. I sometimes misunderstand and I sometimes get defensive. It's a natural reaction but I'm to the point that I can recognize it and acknowledge and talk about it. I will one day be able to stop feeling like I have to defend myself against invisible threats, but for now...it just is what it is. I pray that I continue to dwell in that moment and embrace my encounters as they come. Right now though my life is on a path that is for me but then again it's not ABOUT me. I so realize things are just not all about me. I feel so humbled lately with the press of this book and the idea of speaking to crowds to share MY story, and help someone get better that I have no choice but to continue to grow. This is a rambling, but I needed to type it out! I'm content to wait for someone who doesn't mind my whole. My story is a part of me, and certain things are just going to be an ongoing work. I will never be perfect, but I promise to be always pressing. Whether or not I'm pressing hard enough or fast enough for some or not I have to let go...which sucks, but I mean...things suck in life. I get that too. We all go through sucky things, whether our life started excellent or SUPER sucky.