Goin through a thang...

So, I'm on this journey to true self discovery and happiness. Inner peace if you will. Making peace with my past, my decisions and confronting my ugly...which isn't so easy to do when you don't allow yourself to think about it or even fathom that it's ACTUALLY there. I've never had anyone in my life just say to me "This is raggedy about you...I'd like you to do better." and HEARING THAT SUCKS! Initially it's easier to throw a tantrum or deflect, or convince yourself that conceding that point means you're taking ALL the responsibility for "tragedies" and mishaps, disagreements and lost relationships...it does NOT mean that. It SIMPLY MEANS that you are that much closer to being a big girl, and that much closer to getting to your goal. It means you ARE learning that allowing someone to be in that space with you does NOT diminish your power, or your independence. I was initially headed into this journey kicking and screaming...now I'm just fighting my own sensitivities. It is SO HARD to have someone check you...that's my job in my eyes. I've never, ever had a hard time telling someone else what their issues were, or giving someone my opinion on something. But me? Nah, I'm cool on your thoughts, lol...they don't matter to me cuz I'm not going to change anyway. And THAT WAS TRULY my mentality! And I meant that thang, because folks have disappointed me and hurt me and not been there when I needed them to be, whether they knew I needed them to be there or not, I held them accountable for those things. It is TIME OUT for the old, and HIGH TIME I let in the new. And I will write more and more and more as I go, but dangit, I'm gettin there! I have less bad days, and more normal days, so that's a start!

New moments, old feelings

Confronting your emotions is not an easy thing. I know that I spent a good part of my life avoiding what I really felt, although I can't say it was something I did consciously. I also believe that most people live life sorting through layers to their emotional truths. We are so often caught up in the idea of what it looks like if we express certain feelings, and even MORE caught up in the idea that we don't care what other people think. I've always had some sort of subliminal obsession with my appearance to others, and I think that's because I KNOW what I look like on the inside during moments of turmoil, or hell...just moments in general. I think what makes most people comfortable is the idea of having like minded individuals in your circle, and what SCARES us most is that our own ideas will narrow that circle. One of the things that plagues me is the idea that I will be labled or pitied because I don't see things the way folks in my world do, and my tendency to keep it to myself for fear of having to defend myself. I built a world of people around me in an effort to feel included, but it has only served to make me feel more isolated in some instances. It is a scary, scary thing to think that your differences of opinion could change your relationships...but we all know this to be true. I've had the opportunity to see myself, my selfish, victimized and emotional self! I'm not afraid anymore to admit that I feel like the world owes me a break, and that I feel like something should come easy. I also can admit to myself that I know while those feelings have been my truth at points, that they aren't things that will actually happen. I realize that I am fearful of expressing myself musically. I'm terrified of what standing on my own two feet and singing will mean for me. I'm scared to go out into that world alone, and I'm no longer afraid to admit that. Through admitting my truth, I'm hoping I will experience some freedom. Tonight I felt a heaviness and a darkness descend upon my mood...I was unsure how to ease it, and writing came to mind. Sharing my life and feelings will hopefully be therapeutic for me and anyone who has a chance to read this. I experience a BUNCH OF EMOTIONS on the daily. I feel a way about everything and have an opinion ON everything. I just do, and have always. I WISH there was some magical way for me to feel motivated to pursue my dreams again. I wish I believed in my own success...no matter what strides I've made or awesome steps I've taken, it's just gotten to be a dimmer and dimmer light shining on my package of dreams. I wish that I could say this fog will lift, but you never know! I don't know if I need to take a step to help it lift, or if I need to wait it out. Right now though, identifying the feelings is enough. I know life is short, so I have to make a move at some point, but I've lived my whole life comparing me to others, so for now, I'm willing to allow myself a little bit of "me first". So right now I'm a punk, lol...I'll be that. But hopefully soon, I can be chronicling my writing. I've said before I never could hear a sound for me. I think I have always loved listening to artists who's sound just made me FEEL them. So I'm going to do some listening, start looking for some tracks and maybe I can find me a sound. We'll see.

Thoughts.

I tend to be free in expressing myself through writing. I tend not to have many inhibitions when it comes to writing things down! Then I started to worry about how my posts really showed my internal climate. I can say now though, that I don't care because my freedom comes through my expressing truth. As a singer it's important I be able to convey my feelings. I have been on a long journey to a lot of things. I held in a lot of pain, hurt and anger at lots of people, surrounding lots of events. I feel as though I over the years began to be able to be more honest with myself about me, AND about how I felt. Once I got to a comfortable space though, I sat there, and really, REALLY tried to ignore a piece that was necessary. And truth be told I also discovered something about my feelings that I never spoke even to myself. I really genuinely thought I was angry for one reason and it turns out I was really hurt for an entirely different reason. Mad is much easier to speak on I guess! I'm a very sensitive and intuitive person. I FEEL people's energy and so when it's off it feels like a pile of bricks around me...sounds crazy but it's true! That's the best way for me to describe it. But anyway, I have a LOT of work to do on myself, but I was able to address people that I wouldn't have and haste myself and my truth with them. It meant the world to me to be able to do that because I hadn't. I carried a burden heavy for at least 13 years. If I can face that obstacle and step toward overcoming, I know I can handle everything else. Next thing is...I want to sing, and I'm SCARED. I hid in groups for so many years I don't even know how to push myself forward! I know that I have to though in order to start to feel some sort of peace. I want to start to help young women with stories like mine also. I believe I truly can help because I remember feeling like it was silly to be hurt for so long, to be scared to say anything. To hold everything in and be crazy on the inside. To not be able to truly connect to people or accept what those relationships offered. And also to try to be someone you're not in order to feel I fit SOMEWHERE. I'm still on my journey but trust I'm very far from the starting line. I'm now ready to work!

2015

New year...no resolutions! I do feel the sense of newness, new opportunity, new attitude...new new! Last year I made a major transition and moved across country after living my whole 30 years in Indiana. I was stuck in a place where I wasn't doing anything I wanted and I blamed everything around me for those decisions. I had always wanted to live on the east coast. Always...and then it happened! It's been 6 months...and they've been interesting! I've learned SO MUCH ABOUT ME. You can move, but you can't change you...not right away at least. I have the opportunity to start OVER...to release, relax and fulfill many of my desires. It's not that it won't be challenging...because it WILL...emotionally, financially...and I can't be lazy any more! SMH I don't have any excuse for laziness in this new year. Sure, I'm still transitioning, but I can get it together!!!!

Hurt

It hurts not to ever have someone who can consider you. For everyone to feel they need to "tough love" you or not love you at all. It's hard feeling energy around you and having it affect you. It hurts to feel alone when you're surrounded and to be discussed instead of embraced. It hurts to be told you're loved but not so much that I'll keep up with you or value you. The thing I look for is to be able to face that truth and move beyond it...or to be able to see what's real and walk in it.

Still...

I still have those incredibly sad moments where I feel totally alone in the world. Where I feel like just having my parents would make my world right. I don't know this to be true but the feeling of lack Iguess  drives me to fantasize that if they were here at least I'd have someone, and not feel like a lonely little island. I have those times I feel no one is on my side or has my back. My feelings are not valid and are only important to me. I reflect on my view of things and it seems right to me...but that's about it.

Anger

I do and have struggled with anger, or pride for a while. I think that once I realized I was "shorted" in life, I began to expect of the people I surround myself to be fully invested in me, as I invest in others. Now this is not a bad expectation until it causes conflict or ridiculously strong emotional reactions. I tend to be willing to sacrifice, rearrange, compromise or whatever in any relationship or friendship. I generally have no issue doing this, until I feel I'm not appreciated or properly cared for. I am still trying to find that balance, because I get M.A.D. when I've made a decision with more than me in mind and then someone makes what I deem a selfish decision because they aren't or weren't considering what I might have wanted or needed in the situation. I have a great capacity for anger...it makes me hot, or I get a headache...it takes for it to either pass or for me to reason with myself and point out the fact that it's NOT a big deal...or shouldn't be. I don't see anything wrong with having a struggle, but I do get frustrated when I can't get a handle on myself. I sincerely want to trip someone or kick something lol...BUT...as long as I can recognize it and redirect myself, I figure I'm taking at least a step in the right direction. Another thing I'm working on is guaging when I should check someone. Folks have the craziest things to say to folks they don't know that well. I don't like the whole being familiar with me, bc I am only like that with folks I KNOW. I don't joke, kid or tease, bc that's just not my thing unless we know each other for REAL. I just ask for the same respect I give, and I don't think that's much. When I do give someone what they give they always seem to think I'M being nasty lol...it's funny to me, because I only give the vibe I get...you get smart, I'm going to return a smart remark. Not ALL the time, but when I feel like you done just got TOO comfy with your slick comments, I gotta stop you in your tracks. I don't care what you wear, who you talk to, how you talk to them...don't come for me. But I'm learning...lol, I gotta deal with my anger issue. I swear!