New moments, old feelings

Confronting your emotions is not an easy thing. I know that I spent a good part of my life avoiding what I really felt, although I can't say it was something I did consciously. I also believe that most people live life sorting through layers to their emotional truths. We are so often caught up in the idea of what it looks like if we express certain feelings, and even MORE caught up in the idea that we don't care what other people think. I've always had some sort of subliminal obsession with my appearance to others, and I think that's because I KNOW what I look like on the inside during moments of turmoil, or hell...just moments in general. I think what makes most people comfortable is the idea of having like minded individuals in your circle, and what SCARES us most is that our own ideas will narrow that circle. One of the things that plagues me is the idea that I will be labled or pitied because I don't see things the way folks in my world do, and my tendency to keep it to myself for fear of having to defend myself. I built a world of people around me in an effort to feel included, but it has only served to make me feel more isolated in some instances. It is a scary, scary thing to think that your differences of opinion could change your relationships...but we all know this to be true. I've had the opportunity to see myself, my selfish, victimized and emotional self! I'm not afraid anymore to admit that I feel like the world owes me a break, and that I feel like something should come easy. I also can admit to myself that I know while those feelings have been my truth at points, that they aren't things that will actually happen. I realize that I am fearful of expressing myself musically. I'm terrified of what standing on my own two feet and singing will mean for me. I'm scared to go out into that world alone, and I'm no longer afraid to admit that. Through admitting my truth, I'm hoping I will experience some freedom. Tonight I felt a heaviness and a darkness descend upon my mood...I was unsure how to ease it, and writing came to mind. Sharing my life and feelings will hopefully be therapeutic for me and anyone who has a chance to read this. I experience a BUNCH OF EMOTIONS on the daily. I feel a way about everything and have an opinion ON everything. I just do, and have always. I WISH there was some magical way for me to feel motivated to pursue my dreams again. I wish I believed in my own success...no matter what strides I've made or awesome steps I've taken, it's just gotten to be a dimmer and dimmer light shining on my package of dreams. I wish that I could say this fog will lift, but you never know! I don't know if I need to take a step to help it lift, or if I need to wait it out. Right now though, identifying the feelings is enough. I know life is short, so I have to make a move at some point, but I've lived my whole life comparing me to others, so for now, I'm willing to allow myself a little bit of "me first". So right now I'm a punk, lol...I'll be that. But hopefully soon, I can be chronicling my writing. I've said before I never could hear a sound for me. I think I have always loved listening to artists who's sound just made me FEEL them. So I'm going to do some listening, start looking for some tracks and maybe I can find me a sound. We'll see.