2015

New year...no resolutions! I do feel the sense of newness, new opportunity, new attitude...new new! Last year I made a major transition and moved across country after living my whole 30 years in Indiana. I was stuck in a place where I wasn't doing anything I wanted and I blamed everything around me for those decisions. I had always wanted to live on the east coast. Always...and then it happened! It's been 6 months...and they've been interesting! I've learned SO MUCH ABOUT ME. You can move, but you can't change you...not right away at least. I have the opportunity to start OVER...to release, relax and fulfill many of my desires. It's not that it won't be challenging...because it WILL...emotionally, financially...and I can't be lazy any more! SMH I don't have any excuse for laziness in this new year. Sure, I'm still transitioning, but I can get it together!!!!

Hurt

It hurts not to ever have someone who can consider you. For everyone to feel they need to "tough love" you or not love you at all. It's hard feeling energy around you and having it affect you. It hurts to feel alone when you're surrounded and to be discussed instead of embraced. It hurts to be told you're loved but not so much that I'll keep up with you or value you. The thing I look for is to be able to face that truth and move beyond it...or to be able to see what's real and walk in it.

Still...

I still have those incredibly sad moments where I feel totally alone in the world. Where I feel like just having my parents would make my world right. I don't know this to be true but the feeling of lack Iguess  drives me to fantasize that if they were here at least I'd have someone, and not feel like a lonely little island. I have those times I feel no one is on my side or has my back. My feelings are not valid and are only important to me. I reflect on my view of things and it seems right to me...but that's about it.

Anger

I do and have struggled with anger, or pride for a while. I think that once I realized I was "shorted" in life, I began to expect of the people I surround myself to be fully invested in me, as I invest in others. Now this is not a bad expectation until it causes conflict or ridiculously strong emotional reactions. I tend to be willing to sacrifice, rearrange, compromise or whatever in any relationship or friendship. I generally have no issue doing this, until I feel I'm not appreciated or properly cared for. I am still trying to find that balance, because I get M.A.D. when I've made a decision with more than me in mind and then someone makes what I deem a selfish decision because they aren't or weren't considering what I might have wanted or needed in the situation. I have a great capacity for anger...it makes me hot, or I get a headache...it takes for it to either pass or for me to reason with myself and point out the fact that it's NOT a big deal...or shouldn't be. I don't see anything wrong with having a struggle, but I do get frustrated when I can't get a handle on myself. I sincerely want to trip someone or kick something lol...BUT...as long as I can recognize it and redirect myself, I figure I'm taking at least a step in the right direction. Another thing I'm working on is guaging when I should check someone. Folks have the craziest things to say to folks they don't know that well. I don't like the whole being familiar with me, bc I am only like that with folks I KNOW. I don't joke, kid or tease, bc that's just not my thing unless we know each other for REAL. I just ask for the same respect I give, and I don't think that's much. When I do give someone what they give they always seem to think I'M being nasty lol...it's funny to me, because I only give the vibe I get...you get smart, I'm going to return a smart remark. Not ALL the time, but when I feel like you done just got TOO comfy with your slick comments, I gotta stop you in your tracks. I don't care what you wear, who you talk to, how you talk to them...don't come for me. But I'm learning...lol, I gotta deal with my anger issue. I swear!

Changes...

I've been dealing with so many feelings and emotions and whatnot...well I guess it's all the same really. But I'm still transitioning and adjusting and part of that is processing my thoughts and feelings during the move. Being that I used to be fearful so much so that I became immobile, I somewhat understand folks looking at me like..."you what?" when I said I was moving very far...but I've lived most of my life attempting to build a world for myself to gain what I thought I was missing...and created a lot of stress for myself, but one thing I did have was my friends...and we had been through so much, so to have them when I REALLY needed them...it meant the world to me. They were so supportive, and helpful, and listened to me cry, and vent and stresssssssss!!! They listened, even if they didn't understand why it was such a struggle for me when I isolated to truly clear my head and focus on what I wanted to do. I love my loved ones, truly I do, but I could no longer allow guilt and whatever else folks wanna call it stop me from what I've wanted forever...

Grow

One thing I'm extremely happy with is my growth...I used to be so paranoid about making wrong decisions I just stopped making them altogether where it concerned my goals, desires and dreams. I still get nervous here and there but I'm no longer afraid to make a decision wrong or otherwise. It is important we have the opportunity to stretch and move and learn...otherwise how do we cultivate wisdom? I have things I want to do...so I'm gettin to doing.

Continuance

I recently decided I would start blogging again. I used to fight internally about sharing my personal feelings, but I've gotten over that. I think that it is important that people be able to relate to someone, and I know there are folks that can relate to the myriad of things I've experienced. I recently relocated with my boyfriend to VA...that period was the toughest in my life. I connected and reconnected with my friends and they were and are very supportive and happy for me. That should have been enough, but per usual, me struggling with allowing others to place their expectations of me in a place of importance, I ended up dealing with various emotions as people questioned me or expressed their "concern". I am insulted by the word concern...concern comes from a place of doubt. It implies that you don't have confidence in the decisions that someone makes. I haven't always made the BEST decisions, but I have taken care of myself for the most part on my own. I've needed to borrow money here and there, but there isn't anyone I know who hasn't...I allowed myself to wallow in a pit of self pity and it got to be too much. I was depressed where I was, yet continuously being told that I didn't need to move anywhere. The city of South Bend holds not much more than all the worst memories ever...everything bad I've ever experienced except for being molested was in South Bend...I don't really relate much to folks who live there, who desire to stay there. I don't fault anyone for it, but I do wish they would do some traveling and bring back some new attitudes to the folks still there. I love the area that I live in now...I struggle some days because I don't have my friends, and I dread making new friends lol...the bonds I have with my friends are from childhood...nothing really gets much stronger than the relationships you have where you've experience love, laughter, pain and anger...when you can get through that...it truly strengthens relationships! I'm really just going on a random tangent, typing thoughts as they come...I'll continue as I continue my new journey... One thing I am anticipating but am a little nervous about it getting into artistry and music out in this area...whole new ball game!