Weak

This post makes me feel weak but I've got to get it out. I fear I've wound myself up so tight that I won't ever be loose. I've tried so many times to explain how I feel to have it dismissed...so I keep to myself. I before anyone feel like the past should not affect my present or future, but it seems that regularly that's the case for me. I don't think there's anyone that I actually feel totally close to or cool with like that. And that's crazy considering I have good friends. I've got a pair of people who truly love me as one of their own, but I struggle with being open there. I don't like sharing me. I have to admit and speak aloud that I don't trust people not to hurt me, and that I have always sought love and approval from others. And then when I love...I tend to give my all...and not get it back. It does hurt that my life feels so disconnected from the lives of my friends/family. My friends don't check on me...nor does my family. Now that's not to say that there's blame placed anywhere...I just think that maybe I've isolated myself, and people just don't have time! I understand that folks have families, jobs and other things to do...but I've wondered what keeps me from having these relationships? What stops people from hitting me up to see how I am, or see if I want to go to lunch or anything like that? I've had to wonder what may have done or said or not done or said...sometimes I feel like there's been so much that's happened to me here among the group of people I have in my life that I need a separation. Every time I think of something I want I fear the reaction of someone else. I really want to be free from the opinions of others and the desire for some sort of approval. Most of the things I do for others bring me no joy, and I feel like I don't make certain choices for fear of making someone else upset. I will take on the ultimate amount of discomfort to make someone else comfortable and that truly has to stop.