Last one

So when I was younger...I grew up with my dad after my mom passed. The things that I remember mostly about my childhood was that my dad would leave me alone a lot or take me somewhere I had no business. I didn't have the daddy/daughter relationship with my father since he was an addict. Everything that I recall centered around him doing his thing...if that meant me being home alone for hours, or left alone in a city for weeks, that's what went down. The home I lived in after was also not nurturing or loving. We had good times, of course, but none of the love that you would assume would be shared with children. I didn't grow up with an adult in my life that was actually pushing me toward anything and I never knew what I really planned to do with my life if I ever thought of it at all. I've desired love my whole life...just to know that I am worth something, to someone. It's hard to reach out to people when you're so used to being isolated. It's hard to interact with people when you can't escape the way you were talked to as a kid. I never even imagined that I would grow INTO the person who raised me. A mean, smart mouthed woman with no filter. I feel lonely often and different all the time. I have more good days than bad for sure, but these things have stuck with me. How, when you're a little hippie who thinks everyone should love everyone and live happily ever after do you deal with all the things I've had to feel? I don't know if anyone knows what it's like...but I went from living with my mom having everything to living with a drug addict who left me in a city alone...and I was molested! I was brought back home and never recall anyone trying to help...I think my cousin and I went to a doctor once or twice when I was younger...but that was it. My entire life I've been given nothing more than the opportunity to draw my own conclusions about my life and how it's unfolded. The sad part is for some time I've had the chance to make of my life what I wanted, but I've never learned how to value myself because I think that all that happened back then has made me FEEL worthless...I so hurt for the girl now a woman who still can't let go. Every time a friend has said, or I've heard even sermons that talk about dealing with and letting go of past pain I literally ask well how??? Because I've determined time and time again not to feel this way...and then when the day comes that I feel it...I'm curled up in my bed, not wanting to move or see anyone. It's gotten to the point that I have considered committing myself, or committing suicide. That's not to warn anyone lol, I'm too scary to kill myself lmao. But seriously I've been in my car and just thinking to myself I just need a moment...a minute of peace. A moment not to think or overanalyze...I just need sinker willing to be there with me through it. Everyone says they've had to do things on their own...I don't think you truly know what that means. Everyone needs someone in there corner.