Life...

In my opinion, it is a fact that life is a series of lessons and "Aha" moments. In each stage of my life, I chronicle my growth and my awakening. I call it awakening because so often before I realize something, or before it sinks in, I had no idea that truly this is what I needed to do or feel or how I needed to see whatever it is. For so many years I have been afraid of expressing myself musically, and I have struggled to write music because I just feel it is so EXPOSING. SOME people would read this and say "Girl I don't know what you're talking about because you done already let that exposure ship sail...have you read your previous entries?" AND lol, I agree, I have shared much, but singing is my natural gift. It's where I can actually be felt, and not just heard. It leaves you open and vulnerable, and that's not something I'm comfortable with. BUT...I can't keep holding back, and I can't keep wishing for something I'm not willing to sacrifice for. So...no matter how it's received...my music shall be coming together. And it's funny...because I literally JUST discovered what kind of sound I like for me. :O)

Brief reflection

I said I would be more transparent so that folks could see the hills and valleys of my journey. Today I just so happen to be a bit frustrated because I am at this point where I'm literally fighting to maintain peace while working to overhaul my habits, my thinking, my approach, my life. Trying to maintain that balance, you know? Every now and then I still get overwhelmed by thoughts of my past but only because I struggle in my present. I take responsibility for my choices but I can't help but feel like I was SET UP. I was never given a CHANCE to be well and to make good decisions. Even at THIS age I still have to deal with things that are a product of the past. So it's like...dang can I get a moment please? A brief reprieve? And then I've expressed it...and the feeling fades until next time...

Restructuring and overhaul...

I will now use this blog as my primary communication when I have messages about anything related to mental health, trauma and my experiences overall. I started to remove all the previous content but I think it is important that you be able to see authentic ebbs and flows of my journey. A lot of them are personal, some of them reflect so much hurt and brokenness, and I am okay with that! I want more people to see and be able to understand that they are not alone in the weight that they feel and the pressure that they are burdened by. That being said, let's hop right in it! This book writing journey has been quite an experience for me! I feel like I have always kind of walked my own path and done my own thing, but tackling all of these EMOTIONS was just well beyond anything that I wanted to ever do. I am sure some people would say that based on my attitudes and behaviors over time that it was evident that something was going on, yet I still was able to go through life pretty much hiding the depth of the things that I had experienced. I think one thing that is scary is the factor of disbelief. While there are some people who like attention and will pretty much do or say whatever to get it, when it comes to trauma and the subjects of molestation, abuse, neglect and rape I think that it is important we learn to listen and allow someone to feel safe sharing what is likely a very scary and private, vulnerable moment. A major reason why people keep silent when they have experienced trauma is they feel like they are at fault, or as though they did something to deserve what happened. Often when children or youth speak up about things they have gone through they are encouraged to bury it and to move along because everyone goes through things. This is not the way. Suppressing these things only leads to bigger and worse issues down the line. I think it is imperative that we stop dismissing the fact that emotional issues ARE ISSUES. Feelings are not something to just get over, they have to be acknowledged, processed and dealt with.

I'm so awkward lmao

So...men compliment me, men come up to me, men ask me out...and it's SO disconcerting to me lmao...don't get me wrong...I like a good compliment as much if not more than the next chick. What always surprises me is JUST HOW MUCH someone finds me attractive. It's just very interesting to me, because I wonder what exactly it is that they see! This isn't a "I have low self esteem" post, just me saying I genuinely feel I'm just a regular gal, lol...but hey, if you like it I love it!

Going home...

Good morning! Okay, so I went home, and it was the most refreshing experience. I always tend to reflect on my experiences as they relate to my journey to peace, and I like to chronicle my growth! Firstly, let me say just how much I value my circle of friends. We are all a little nuts, fully amazing...we probably pack more amazing in than any one group of friends should be allowed to have. We for the most part have been family since high school. I say family because we have been through the most together, and I just bless God that we all are closer at this stage than ever, because we need each other! At any rate...my friends are amazing! I love, love, love them, and they have no idea how much! Liiiiiiike...since I've relocated I have missed my friends a lot, and it's made adjusting a little bit more difficult because making friends isn't easy! It's almost like dating lol...you find someone then gotta try them out to see if they work out! But anyway, this weekend felt like everything came full circle for me. I realized just how much love I have for my folks and how much I value them. I thought over a lot of the things we BEEN through...and it just made me love them that much more. To be able to make it through your life with a group of people, through loving each other, hating each other lmao, travelling, singing and all our shenanigans we are STILL here! Like...STILL! I know that in this first year of being on another side of the country it was easy to darn near forget the strength of the bonds I have at home, because naturally we don't speak as much and I don't get to SEE my friends. But I know I felt their absence! I questioned myself and my move even at times! But being home this weekend solidified that our bond is incomparable and that I won't be moving back to Indiana lmao. I've never actually felt connected like that...many people that I love won't understand what I mean when I say that. But up until I came home and got to see my loved ones faces I didn't quite get it. Everyone kept asking me how I felt coming home and I'm like...I felt great! It was so great to see everybody! I loved it. But then again, God has so richly blessed me to be able to receive and give love fully. I LOVE my friends and family, blood or otherwise.

Today is difficult...

Today is difficult! First today is difficult because I know that I have caused my financial strain...and I repeat the same cycle. Today is difficult because I realize that I struggle to interact with others and have open communication because most interactions leave me feeling defensive. I'm frustrated to have to say that. Today I am frustrated because I feel like I'm still that young girl who needs to be taught and directed...but wasn't. I don't feel like I know enough, that I have enough drive to continue to change my habits. I don't feel I have the type of support I need, and I feel like I wouldn't be able to accept it anyway. A part of me just wants to give it all up because I don't think I'm making it...and a part of me wants to give up because I don't think I CAN make it. I hate feeling like people don't understand, and I hate feeling like I need to express. I get tired of being encouraged, and I get tired of not having help. I don't want to share my life, but I don't think I can survive if I don't. I hate feeling like I'm too old to feel like this. I hate feeling like it's okay to feel how I do but society says I should have my shit together. My shit's not together...who can help with that? I hate that my life is largely centered around the effects of my childhood. I hate that I can't get past my low moods. I hate that I had to cry today, and I hate that no one was there to tell me it will get better. I hate having to reach out to people to tell them what's going on, and hate that no one looks for me if I stop reaching out. It's hard to admit to yourself that you might just be all fucked up...and then tomorrow, when I feel better, and motivated, I will be able to help someone who feels just like I do, but then I still will have no one to help me. Aside from a therapist. I especially hate that someone will read this and still not get it.

I realize...

I'm introspective often. This doesn't mean that I always process correctly or react correctly but more so that I am constantly observing myself with the goal of understanding just how I'm processing information and emotions. In my romantic endeavors I have always had a NEED for the person with whom I was connected to, so much so that if they decided it wasn't for them, it left me devastated because so much of my worth was tied to the way people felt about me. Someone deciding that they didn't want to pursue me made me feel like I was unworthy of love. Totally not their fault! I have grown so much in the last few years that I UNDERSTAND that I am not for everyone and that everyone is not for me. Unfortunately, I don't as easily give my trust, and I don't as easily open up. I sometimes misunderstand and I sometimes get defensive. It's a natural reaction but I'm to the point that I can recognize it and acknowledge and talk about it. I will one day be able to stop feeling like I have to defend myself against invisible threats, but for now...it just is what it is. I pray that I continue to dwell in that moment and embrace my encounters as they come. Right now though my life is on a path that is for me but then again it's not ABOUT me. I so realize things are just not all about me. I feel so humbled lately with the press of this book and the idea of speaking to crowds to share MY story, and help someone get better that I have no choice but to continue to grow. This is a rambling, but I needed to type it out! I'm content to wait for someone who doesn't mind my whole. My story is a part of me, and certain things are just going to be an ongoing work. I will never be perfect, but I promise to be always pressing. Whether or not I'm pressing hard enough or fast enough for some or not I have to let go...which sucks, but I mean...things suck in life. I get that too. We all go through sucky things, whether our life started excellent or SUPER sucky.