Changes...

I've been dealing with so many feelings and emotions and whatnot...well I guess it's all the same really. But I'm still transitioning and adjusting and part of that is processing my thoughts and feelings during the move. Being that I used to be fearful so much so that I became immobile, I somewhat understand folks looking at me like..."you what?" when I said I was moving very far...but I've lived most of my life attempting to build a world for myself to gain what I thought I was missing...and created a lot of stress for myself, but one thing I did have was my friends...and we had been through so much, so to have them when I REALLY needed them...it meant the world to me. They were so supportive, and helpful, and listened to me cry, and vent and stresssssssss!!! They listened, even if they didn't understand why it was such a struggle for me when I isolated to truly clear my head and focus on what I wanted to do. I love my loved ones, truly I do, but I could no longer allow guilt and whatever else folks wanna call it stop me from what I've wanted forever...

Grow

One thing I'm extremely happy with is my growth...I used to be so paranoid about making wrong decisions I just stopped making them altogether where it concerned my goals, desires and dreams. I still get nervous here and there but I'm no longer afraid to make a decision wrong or otherwise. It is important we have the opportunity to stretch and move and learn...otherwise how do we cultivate wisdom? I have things I want to do...so I'm gettin to doing.

Continuance

I recently decided I would start blogging again. I used to fight internally about sharing my personal feelings, but I've gotten over that. I think that it is important that people be able to relate to someone, and I know there are folks that can relate to the myriad of things I've experienced. I recently relocated with my boyfriend to VA...that period was the toughest in my life. I connected and reconnected with my friends and they were and are very supportive and happy for me. That should have been enough, but per usual, me struggling with allowing others to place their expectations of me in a place of importance, I ended up dealing with various emotions as people questioned me or expressed their "concern". I am insulted by the word concern...concern comes from a place of doubt. It implies that you don't have confidence in the decisions that someone makes. I haven't always made the BEST decisions, but I have taken care of myself for the most part on my own. I've needed to borrow money here and there, but there isn't anyone I know who hasn't...I allowed myself to wallow in a pit of self pity and it got to be too much. I was depressed where I was, yet continuously being told that I didn't need to move anywhere. The city of South Bend holds not much more than all the worst memories ever...everything bad I've ever experienced except for being molested was in South Bend...I don't really relate much to folks who live there, who desire to stay there. I don't fault anyone for it, but I do wish they would do some traveling and bring back some new attitudes to the folks still there. I love the area that I live in now...I struggle some days because I don't have my friends, and I dread making new friends lol...the bonds I have with my friends are from childhood...nothing really gets much stronger than the relationships you have where you've experience love, laughter, pain and anger...when you can get through that...it truly strengthens relationships! I'm really just going on a random tangent, typing thoughts as they come...I'll continue as I continue my new journey... One thing I am anticipating but am a little nervous about it getting into artistry and music out in this area...whole new ball game!