Sometimes I wonder...

Why things couldn't be a little more simple. I wonder why I must evaluate everything, and why I often can't hold my opinions. I wonder why I can't control my feelings, why no matter what I seem to get them hurt! I realize there are things I've done to deserve some negative Karma...but sheesh! I wonder too why I find it so hard to act with discipline in certain situations. Lately I've wondered why I find it so difficult to exercise faith. I feel like I've just gotten tired of trying, I'm tired of being sad, stressed and overly emotional. I'm tired of saying it too lol. I've been in such a good space, and I feel I'm still in a good space, except some things are just not settled. I sincerely just want to wake up, go to work and come home, chill out. I don't want to be bothered with thoughts of my past, feelings of being non sufficient, self deprecating thoughts that I've sucked up and not let go of. I've got to learn not to take what people say to heart. I have such an outgoing personality that I'm often open to criticism, and I should be able to let it slide right off my back. But I think that I tend to dwell on the criticism, and I couldn't tell you one really good thing I've been told from another person about myself. Mostly I remember the "Kelli, you crazy" or "You a mess" lol. Is it so strange that I would like people to know that I'm really a sweetheart, and that I really have a desire to see all folks with what they deserve? I'd love to be able to provide others with opportunities they dream of. I'd love to be able to invest into others as I feel I wasn't invested in. I realize I shut lots of folks out in regard to my heavy and low moments. I believe there are many who face those moments that don't have someone to say it's ok, I feel like that too. So often those who have had a brief encounter with depression want to tell someone to get over it. It's JUST not that simple. I've talked about it before, but imagine waking up feeling this heavy emotional cloud over you. I've had it happen SO MANY times. If I'VE dealt with it quite a bit I know there are other people who feel as hopeless as I do sometimes. There are triggers, of course, but there will always be something that can potentially trigger negative feelings. I just want to be able to not have to cry for an hour or lay in my bed for hours to get to the point where I want to function out in society that day. I'd love to be able to walk around and say with confidence that I am joyful and happy regularly. These posts are not to make anyone feel sorry for me, I'm simply sharing what I deal with mentally because I haven't seen that a lot of people do. I've been at the point where I wonder why I even make the effort to feel better because that day is going to come where I can't stop crying, and I can't stop feeling so much sorrow for all I've lost. Why can't I be grateful for what I have? Well...because I've always been so caught up with what I didn't have I definitely have an issue with keeping my personal finances in order. So I'm constantly stressing over something financially. Sad really, but I'm trying to learn this lesson for the last time. I've never, ever professed to be perfect, but I'm very transparent in my imperfection. I feel like I will be successful. Every time I've cried, gone to sleep to avoid how I felt, laid in bed for hours, talked on the phone to my girlfriend for hours...reached out to my brother's will lead me to some place victorious. I refuse to believe that my entire life will remain tragic, whether I bring that tragedy about or it's lined up for me. I want to make good decisions, choose things that empower and uplift myself, not tear me down. I want to be able to laugh and joke with my girlfriends all the time, cry with them on occasion. Seems like there's been more crying and complaining within our group than anything. I don't want that anymore, lol. So often I speak on how someone made me feel. People often say that folks can't make you feel anything. Not so. When you want to be accepted and seen for something other than what people think you are...it can wear. And YES, I am goofy, yes, I'm a little outrageous, outspoken, abrasive sometimes and can be a straight B.I.T.C.H. All of this I know. But I want folks to be able to see the me that loves to play with kids (no matter how much I say I don't like them), the me that loves to encourage others to be great, be happy, pursue your passion. The me who will use my last few dollars to help someone else get a meal or get home. All of these things are me. I'm not just "Crazy Kelli" although I do deal with some crazy feelings at times. I just want to be blessed to move into a good space...I'm ready to release all of these negative emotions. But how do you release YEARS of pent up tears, hurt feelings and whatnot? I have spent years not responding to things that have bothered me. I am not trippin off letting anyone know they bothered me. I just want to move on. I realize now I don't have to tell anyone anything, I just need to be free from it. I don't think that's too hard a mission. I look around at all the people that I've met and so many of them are in various states of emotional issues...I just want to have control over mine. I want to be able to dictate who get's to make me upset or concerned. I want to love myself enough to be able to walk away from someone who obviously doesn't care about me. To so many it's easy to say, but when you feel like you've been starved for love and someone you care about doesn't seem to feel the same you wonder why, why, why don't you feel like I do?!?!?? And most often you don't get that answer. I want to be able to just move on, grieve, and keep it pushing. We'll see if that happens.