I can't even lie...

I feel so blessed and fortunate to just be here...I've gone through the most hectic of rollercoasters, and just dealing with the issues of faith, the emotional setbacks and letdowns, and this year? I'm all about pushing forward and realizing my dreams. I'm done complaining, don't just waiting, I have to make moves! I'm fighting to do that. I'm going to go down and do what I need to do to get it popping...period. I have so many ideas, so many aspirations and I have always been afraid to put myself out there on a limb and try to pursue because I fear failure, or just didn't have enough faith to believe that I could be one of those people who could be standing somewhere telling someone how I made it happen, and enjoying my personal success. First I was afraid...I was petrified...LOL. But seriously, I'm going to take out my horn, dust it off, and toot it a little bit. If I don't have faith in my talents, why would anyone else? This year I want to get paid to sing, I want to get my blog up off the ground, and I want to make a move...a big one, lol. We'll see! I'm READY!

How easy...

It's always so much more easy for us to tell someone else how simple it is to solve a problem, or let something or someone go, or whatever else. It's just never that easy for yourself, why, why WHY! How easy is it for you to admit your faults and failures? Because I've always felt that it's been so easy for others to tell me my faults, so a while back I decided to take a GOOD look at myself, and there were things I did and didn't like, naturally. There were and are things that I wanted to change, for me, and wanted to be on my own to work out. And I am and will! The new year is coming, and I'm not one to really make resolutions, but I plan this year to really focus on my own self, and not rely or look to others for my validation and/or happiness. That in itself will be a blessing. I want to be happy with most of what is going on in my life, I know I won't always be happy with everything, but I want to finally pursue things that will make me happy! My relationship with God will be my own, and I'll learn to take council without feeling like I have to put an enormous amount of stock in who they are. 2011 workin it out...I gotta work on a theme song for next year, lol. I'll add this for GP.

This is personal...

I haven't written in so very long, partially because everything I've had to say has been so utterly personal, and while you may think most of my blogs have been, they've been just a surface thing, things I think are necessary to be said and that someone else could benefit from. All that I've thought or felt for the last several months have been all about and for me. I'm not really fond of opening myself up like that. What's bothering me lately is how everything seems to point to Saint Louis...and inadvertently my last relationship. Painful subject, but what can you do? Everything takes time though, so I'll deal. But what are the odds of so many things now being connected to that? Hm. Songs, places, people...never dealt with that before, and never understood how deeply intertwined our lives were. Whether they will be again remains to be seen and apparently wants have no bearing on what will be. So, whatever happens, happens. But that's hard to even allow or fathom right? The absolute lack of control of a situation. Again, I'll deal. Enough of my personal business though.

People are very opinionated, and as much as I've shied away from allowing those opinions to dictate my thoughts or feelings I still find myself filtering for those who have opinions. But I can say that I totally empathize with those who constantly place their personal before the masses on FB and all. You sometimes just want to get it out. Plain and simple. I wouldn't mind strangers and friends reading my personal blogs, it doesn't bother me. It's the rest of you, those overly opinionated people who can kick rocks, lol. Isn't it funny that the ones who so typically have a word to say are the ones you least desire to interact with sometimes?

Friends...I love mine, although there have been some rocky roads along the way with some of them. I have a new friend, and a potentially new friend, which is new for me, lol. I don't really get excited about new people and typically don't anticipate them being in my life long term, but both have that potential! Very nice women, I like them both a lot so far. And I'm realizing now that I've begun to rely on outside relationships rather than familial ones. I'm trying to find a balance with my family, because there are such odd things on either side that alienate me, and make me feel totally separate from everyone. I can't go back and recreate relationships, but I can figure out what to do from here. I don't FEEL related to much of anyone, although I love my family. My mother's family had no choice in the matter of my separation from them, and I feel as though I ought to, and I want to, build relationships with all of them. BUT we are different, as we were all raised in two totally different ways. I have fretted over my lack of social grace with my family sometimes though. But what can I do?

South Bend...I'm over it. I didn't realize how much so until recently. Every lonely, sad, angry, hurt, disappointed memory, event and whatever else is connected to that city. All the loss, mistakes, craziness in my life is ALL tied to that place...I never connected it! So, now that I'm on the path to happiness, mental health, emotional balance (lawd) and all that, I realize I can't stay here. It's not because I just can't face my past, I see it all the time, lol. It's that I can't move forward with that cloud over my head. Just not possible. I'll never be happy here. I get that now. So...I'm taking off. Asap. Can't wait. That of course, is temporary as well. I'm taking my time to refocus, and work some things out, pay some small bills off and figure out what is next! I love it, and can't wait.

Long time no see

I've not written in a month of Sundays! Ok, so my blog is all about me, and all the things...I think I guess, lol. So, there are multiple things going on in my life, some good, some confusing, others just are what they are. Love...*sigh* just one of those things that you can never predict or understand. I'm just trying to roll with the punches. Life...just a continuous battle! Lol, I mean, we only get one chance, and I refuse to live my life trying to set myself up for when I'm older...and less mobile. I want to live my entire life like it was my last day here! I want to write more but I'm tired again...lol. bbl...

Ode to the Yummies...

Whoo lawd, ok. So me posting one random pic turned into an all-out Ode to some of the most original looking, gorgeous men on earth! All celebrities of course. And as I posted these pics, I felt things, right? LOL...but my thoughts began to swirl around this whole celebrity love thing...and I thought about it a little more. Of course there are groupies in the world, we all know that. But am I the only one who with all sincerity saw someone onscreen and was like...if I EVER got a chance to meet him, I would just want to try to get to know him! Yeah, that's me. LOL...I'm not on trying to sleep with you or anything, I just want to know if you're nuts behind all that beautiful. To begin, Don Cheadle. Not sure if he's married, but the man is awesome and charitable, which just gets straight through to my heart! He seems to be really well rounded. Andre 3000...he's just...different. Not sure how much is him and how much is gimmick, but let's face it, it's not benefitted him much at all to be so different, so it's got to be him, lol...it's appealing. His look, his lyrics, his intelligence. I can dig it. Mos Def...*melts* a THESPIAN! I *heart* HIM! He's just well spoken, great lyricist, true to what he says as far as we know right? YUM. Common...newly single, gorgeous, and those BEAUTIFUL freckles?!?!? Lyrics that kick tail and he's steppin out on the big screen...gotta admire ambition. Lastly...and most certainly not least...JOHN LEGEND. *passes out* Seriously...I don't know why, but ever since he's come out...I've been totally absorbed in his musical expression. I don't know the man personally, but I'd love to! I'm just sayin. NONE of these men do I know, but as far as positivity in celebrities go, I think they pretty much do well. Yummmmmmmmmmmy!

Felt...

I've never felt more misunderstood or less...unimportant. It's so frustrating to feel as though my interpretation or my thoughts are always incorrect or invalid. It's possible that my vision is so blurred that nothing is what it seems, but I doubt it. I'm to the point that I just don't even want to try to talk about anything because no matter what I think it's going to be wrong anyway. I'm overreacting, digging too deep, or something else that equates to how something comes across to me is ridiculous. I'm tired of being laughed at, when I'm dead serious. I just want to be talked to like any other rational person...My rationale and another person's may vary, but it doesn't make my thoughts any less rational to me. I'm frustrated and hurt and tired of feeling that way. I sincerely feel as though all of these feelings just don't or won't matter...it's an overreaction anyway. So what's the point? I know that I misinterpret some things, but everything can't possibly be. And it hurts to feel like the things that matter to me aren't important but when the tables are turned I had better get an understanding or there's a big problem. I just need for my thoughts to be more important than that...

Confidence

I've been thinking on some things, some people, and myself! So...here we go. I used to, and occasionally still, have confidence issues...I waiver back and forth, lol. I know I'm awesome, and exceptionaly gifted at certain things. It's in my genes, ya know? Ok, so, I'm confident for the most part, and I'm TOTALLY confident when it comes to things that I know.

See...I'm a know-it-all. And anyone who knows one knows that we REALLY believe we are right in most, if not ALL things. Seriously. And it's not an "I'm superior to you in every way type thing" it's more of a, at least for me it's "I've been around the block, and most of everything I try works out, so I gotta know somethin!" type thing. And also, we have thoughts on EVERYTHING. I mean...there's not a topic you can't bring up that we won't have something to say or a suggestion to make... and I will concede to a better idea...if I hear one, that is, but it's rare that I think anything that someone else suggested sounds better than what I'm saying.

Now I can see why this bothers some people...I know people like me, lol...we're confident, and take-charge types...the thing is, we rarely totally screw up...so give us props...some of us were just made to lead...feel me? LOL. Now, as someone who had SERIOUS confidence issues once upon a time, I can tell you...it's annoying to people around you, because your behavior and attitude is often SO negative. And when you have confidence issues, you HATE confident people...and maybe not on a conscious level, but it definitely manifests in your speech and actions...it's ugly!

I know that I'm boisterous, noisy, talkative, smart, cute, and all those other adjectives that make me sound good, and there is NOTHING wrong with that being evident in how I walk, talk, live and breathe...but don't confuse these things for perfection, and don't think we think we're perfect, we are acutely aware of our flaws, but why harp on them? When I make a mistake, I try now to look at it...examine why, what, how, and try to move past...forgive myself and keep it MOVIN.

Get your confidence up...and stop "hating" (I hate that word) on the confident people in the world. It's no fun walking around looking like you ate a lemon. I know, I used to do it.