In the Name of Love...

Anyone who knows me knows I'm SUCH an advocate of black love...I'm an advocate of lovve period, but as a black person I can say there are certain things within our culture in the love department that are severely screwed up, so when I see Black Love...I am all smiles...I know that within my own love story, I have been so blessed to have someone to give me so much, and add so much to my life. Within relationships, there are so many things to consider, so many things to do, to be careful of...and you have to worry about this other person, you know? But when you have a partner, it doesn't seem like so much...and you always want to have someone who's with you no matter what...they have staying power...again, in that area I've been blessed...there are many things through which my S/O has continually been by my side, encouraging and coaching me through...he puts up with a lot and still snaps when I'm trippin, lol...and I recognize the fact that he's very patient...I love it. I love him...and I can without doubt tell you he loves me...

There are some things that are just to be commended, and I definitely commend my boyfriend for truly being able to be a friend, and a man, a shoulder and for simply being the best...here's to you love...

She's a BRICK...HOOUUSE

Ok, I've been tiny my whole life and I never felt that I was particularly sexy, or whatever. I was always tiny breasted, no hips...a little butt, whatever. I put on a little weight starting a couple years ago, and I was like...aight, ok, I see you Kelli!! I was a little hype, feel me? I kept on bout my business, doin me, ya know. So as I keep going, my butt gets a little bigger, my thighs get a little thicker and my miniature boobies fill on out...OWWWWW! I think to myself...more attention, I feel a little more confidence, not that I didn't have any before, but I always wanted my body to look a certain way...so to me it was like...dag finally! I'm looking at all my relatives, with all the behind and them hips and whatever else and wondering, dag, why it skip me?!?! So anyway, I got it now...welllllllll...now my waist starts to plump, and plump...and plump...so I am now a two liter...no longer a coke bottle...and I'm telling you it WEARS on your emotions, that helpless feeling. When being thin is effortless, and you don't have to watch what, when, where you eat, it is one of the hardest things on earth to change...and being sedentary for so long, not working out, to now me going to the gym every day, is crazy!!! I mean, in the long run, I'll feel better and my body will become more flexible and better looking, but it's so HARD right now...I was on the verge of tears today just knowing how much I weigh...going from size 0's and 2's and 4's, 6's and under to 12, 14? Nah...not for me...so I've made a change, I've begun to work out regularly, and will continue to until this waist gets under control!!! For you big girls that love it, MORE POWER TO YOU! So long as you're healthy, but I have noticed the decline in my confidence, and the worst thing is that people feel it necessary to tell you you've gained weight...DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW! Jerks.

OOHHHHHHHHHH My hair!!!

SO, I ran into the first person to really let me know they didn't like my hair! AND it didn't phase me! CLAPS FOR ME! Now, I feel really good about this fact because I really had a time adjusting, although it didn't take me that long, I was really self conscious about it for a while. Now that I've gotten comfortable with it and I'm settled with the idea of it being a process, I can deal with the right now. I feel beautiful, and it's funny to me that some people really don't like it. I LOVE it...so don't let folks talk you out of doing things that you feel is what's best for you, because they're simply not you...only you know how you feel...

We are a family...

Nothing to me is more special than a family. I had the opportunity to spend time with my sig fig and his family, and I watched, participated and reflected. I love to observe his family, because a lot of things in my family are different than his, and I think it's beautiful! His family is not without it's quirks, but it is a functional, very close knit-unit. I watched as they laughed, took pictures, joked on both his mom and dad's sides, and it was nice to be around, you can tell they love and respect one another. On my side of the fence, it's not quite so pretty, and I began to wonder how much of that responsibility lies with me. Admittedly I don't put forth much effort with much of my family, but I can say that it's just so exhausting. I feel like much of everything is left up to me! I have to call, I have to stop by, I have to check on everyone else, and that's tiring! I have 7 siblings, two grandmothers, one with 14 brothers and sisters, 3 aunts, one uncle and 20+ first cousins on my mother's side...that's a lot of keeping up! None call and check on me, and a lot of the excuse is not having a way to contact me...well there are only so many times I'm going to give you my number...

Blessedly, I got a brief reprieve from that this weekend, they may not see each other all that often, but when they do it's all love, and it's beautiful...I may have to put in overtime to try to mend and rebuild some of the broken relationships in my own family but if the end result is what I encountered this weekend then I guess I welcome the challenge.

The state of the music game...

so...props to Lady Blogga on her recent blog about the BET awards...I haven't really given too much thought to the state of music overall, because my natural reaction to the lack of quality music out there today is to retreat into the solace of the tunes of yesteryear. But, LB's (yes, lol, LB) candid description of the award show led me to another thought! Right now, YES, we have GREAT musicians out there that do it for the love, and they actually have talent that is worth promoting, and we know some of them, Eric Roberson, Dwele, Jason Mraz, of course, India Aire, John Legend, Jill, on the rap side we got Lil Brother, Jay Z, Mos, the Roots, and all them good folks...but who's gettin the shine? Who has captured the hearts and wallets of the current generation, who ultimately decides in which direction our music is going? These cracker jack acts, that's who. And no, it's not all about the shine, the recognition, but how long before these real artists are totally phased out? Or one by one just get tired and overwhelmed with the influx of crappy singers, played out hooks and songs where the only half good thing is the beat? What do we do then? I realized today that as a singer, and yes, I'm a singer, I've been singing more years now than I haven't, and I can actually sing, I ain't Keyshia Cole-in it...but as a singer, and knowing the musicians and singers that I know, and having the love of music so deeply ingrained, I just realized that I haven't been hard enough on the music industry, on music period. I mean, they are mass-producing singers and rappers and right now, all you gotta be is mildly attractive to be a singer, no vocals, no nothing, and I don't think it's fair or right. Truth is, Ciara can't sing. No, she can't for real, but I guess that depends on your definition of singing. She has a couple songs where she does a little more than the average run or whatever, but overall...this chick is a dancer, and a ridiculously provocative one at that. Truth is, it's ALL about sex appeal, and that's a whole other blog in itself, but Keyshia sucks...SUCKS, her story is nice, her voice is crap. This chick had the NERVE to feature Monica on a track, who had to downplay her vocal ability to make Keyshia sound half normal...is that what we have to look forward to? Can you imagine when high schoolers get old, and they say, "Aw yeah, man, dat dere Goodies joint from back in the day? Yeah, THAT was real music." GTFOH.
Now rap? *sigh* I love bass like the next person, and a good beat is always what's up, but it seems like that's all the criteria for you to be a rapper right now. And not only that, but Jay is right, why are all the rappers singing? I have been guilty of letting the beat, that instinctively makes me want to shake my behind get to me, but no more...or at least less more, lmao. But these songs are terrible at best, and who right now has staying power? Huh? No one, that's who. Blog ya lata...

eh...felt like I'd post music from someone great

I am SO my hair...lol

So, I've said that I would chronicle my journey to natural, and locs...well...ladies and gentleman, I LOVE it. At first, I was so apprehensive, because my self esteem hasn't always been where it should be...but I feel GOOD ya'll...my hair is beautiful, it's growing, it's healthy! I didn't even realize my hair wasn't coarse or really crazy looking until I went natural...it's beautiful! My hair is thick, and it makes me feel so much more...black...lol, it really does, I feel such a pride in myself, it's indescribable...I wouldn't do anything else, and wish I would have done it sooner. And, I'm not single, but I will say this...the compliments you get are SO much better! Because it's like...people really MEAN it when they compliment a natural woman, not that folks didn't mean it before, but truth is, not all men like or think natural is attractive, and I've just gotten some of the nicest compliments lately, it helps! LOL, but for you ladies that are hesitant or who already are natural and feeling a little bit unattractive and nervous? LET IT GO, it will pass, it's a BEAUTIFUL thing, and once you realize it, you carry yourself different, you look radiant...that's the first thing someone said to me...I look so good and so happy, and I was like...yeah. I am.

Transitions, transitions...

I am in a transitional period, and I'm ok, and not so ok with it...because on one hand, I am and will continue to discover so much about me, but on the other hand, everything is so up in the air for me. I have no idea what's next, I know what I want to be doing, and so I'm working hard to get there, but we'll see. I lately have been feeling like blogging or being on my FaceBook is dangerous because so many people have gotten in trouble regarding these kinds of things...ridiculous I say! LOL, but really I have things I want to do and places I really want to go. I am trying so hard right now to get on track, I feel like everything in my life has changed. A lot of people don't understand that 6 months ago I walked away from my LIFE...and so I've felt a little lost. I had no idea what I was doing, what I should be doing and what I believed in anymore...and so I've been a little on edge, and a little frustrated, a little scared, and a little crazy...IONO YA'LL, lol...I just want to be happy...that's what I'm fighting for right now...ME...I don't feel like my life has been about me at all for all these years. So that's what's next.