Mother's Day again...

And you know, I've been without my mother for almost 20 years, and it is a wonder to me that some years are harder than others. This year is one of the harder ones I'm thinking. I also lost my grandmother a little while back. Loss is hard I tell you. There's not much I can do but pray and keep it moving! Anyway, I think it's hard because I definitely have my times where I just wish I could talk to MY mother, and then they have this big day where all these people just shower their mothers with love. I wish I could! But this year I'm going to allow myself to grieve for the loss, and not suppress. I'm just going to deal with it! It can't be that bad to just allow myself to feel, so I'm going to do it. The truth is, I wish I had had at least a chance to have a mother...

Selfish...

I've heard previously that I'm a selfish person. The definition is below:
devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

Now, with that definition being above...I'll have to say...HELL NO I'M NOT. There was a time in my life where I had to ask help for everything. I couldn't take care of myself, wasn't doing well, and had to depend on others a lot. And admittedly I believe I felt like if you have it and I don't...help! And perhaps that was wrong, but I was young, so what do you expect??? Now as an adult, I admittedly cater to my own desires, because I DON'T have someone who is interested in what I want. I'm not in a relationship, my parents are deceased, my brothers are grown and have their own families...so, isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Make myself happy? I don't do it at the expense of others, so what's wrong with that???

I think I've stated previously that in my family, the relationships are definitely one sided. I'm expected to keep up with everyone else...only a few...no, correction, I have ONE cousin who calls me once a month, but other than that, I'm expected to visit, call, and otherwise keep in touch. Is it selfish that I would like someone to check on ME? I don't think so.

I like things the way I like them...that is true. But lately I've really learned to go with the flow. I can make a suggestion and people decide they want to go another route and I say ok, even if I think my thought was much more efficient or better, or whatever. I can't win them all, and I get that.

In my friendships I'm trying to get better, and I think they are all good, wonderful people who love me, and I love them. I want to be able to show them that I care about them, and I want to be certain they really care about me also. I'm learning not to focus on myself so much, and to allow them to share themselves with me, and not make it about me in the process. THAT is a big admission! I made that admission FOREVER ago. It is what it is, and I am who I am. I KNOW me, can many people say that?

In relationships? I don't know...we all have our shortcomings. I just have to learn that no one will have EVERYTHING I'm looking for, but there are certain things I don't have to settle for either. The aggressive, outspoken person that I am understands fully how to behave in a relationship, but of course I have my flaws. Some will be able to deal, some will not. :O)

I'm working on being able to hear about myself...make sense? I don't do it well...but I'm getting better!

It's rough sometimes!!!

This isn't a sad post, more like an expression of feelings. I'm having the most ridiculous issues with my femininity and feeling sexy and girlie and all of that!!! My locs are providing a challenge for me, and today I was thinking...screw it, cut them off! Ay yi yi! I don't want to relax my hair again ever because it was so unhealthy, but I promise this natural hair thing is a struggle some days. PLUS, I'm single, which is cool, but then I'm very picky when it comes to men, but it seems like I have my moments where I want what I once had...doesn't have to be the same person, although that would be nice, but just to have someone who I know I can trust, and who trusts me equally, and is my best friend. That's what I miss...I wasn't ready before, and I'm not all the way ready now, but I'm getting there. Patience...patience, and I'm just going to focus on pushing my career.

I can't even lie...

I feel so blessed and fortunate to just be here...I've gone through the most hectic of rollercoasters, and just dealing with the issues of faith, the emotional setbacks and letdowns, and this year? I'm all about pushing forward and realizing my dreams. I'm done complaining, don't just waiting, I have to make moves! I'm fighting to do that. I'm going to go down and do what I need to do to get it popping...period. I have so many ideas, so many aspirations and I have always been afraid to put myself out there on a limb and try to pursue because I fear failure, or just didn't have enough faith to believe that I could be one of those people who could be standing somewhere telling someone how I made it happen, and enjoying my personal success. First I was afraid...I was petrified...LOL. But seriously, I'm going to take out my horn, dust it off, and toot it a little bit. If I don't have faith in my talents, why would anyone else? This year I want to get paid to sing, I want to get my blog up off the ground, and I want to make a move...a big one, lol. We'll see! I'm READY!

How easy...

It's always so much more easy for us to tell someone else how simple it is to solve a problem, or let something or someone go, or whatever else. It's just never that easy for yourself, why, why WHY! How easy is it for you to admit your faults and failures? Because I've always felt that it's been so easy for others to tell me my faults, so a while back I decided to take a GOOD look at myself, and there were things I did and didn't like, naturally. There were and are things that I wanted to change, for me, and wanted to be on my own to work out. And I am and will! The new year is coming, and I'm not one to really make resolutions, but I plan this year to really focus on my own self, and not rely or look to others for my validation and/or happiness. That in itself will be a blessing. I want to be happy with most of what is going on in my life, I know I won't always be happy with everything, but I want to finally pursue things that will make me happy! My relationship with God will be my own, and I'll learn to take council without feeling like I have to put an enormous amount of stock in who they are. 2011 workin it out...I gotta work on a theme song for next year, lol. I'll add this for GP.

This is personal...

I haven't written in so very long, partially because everything I've had to say has been so utterly personal, and while you may think most of my blogs have been, they've been just a surface thing, things I think are necessary to be said and that someone else could benefit from. All that I've thought or felt for the last several months have been all about and for me. I'm not really fond of opening myself up like that. What's bothering me lately is how everything seems to point to Saint Louis...and inadvertently my last relationship. Painful subject, but what can you do? Everything takes time though, so I'll deal. But what are the odds of so many things now being connected to that? Hm. Songs, places, people...never dealt with that before, and never understood how deeply intertwined our lives were. Whether they will be again remains to be seen and apparently wants have no bearing on what will be. So, whatever happens, happens. But that's hard to even allow or fathom right? The absolute lack of control of a situation. Again, I'll deal. Enough of my personal business though.

People are very opinionated, and as much as I've shied away from allowing those opinions to dictate my thoughts or feelings I still find myself filtering for those who have opinions. But I can say that I totally empathize with those who constantly place their personal before the masses on FB and all. You sometimes just want to get it out. Plain and simple. I wouldn't mind strangers and friends reading my personal blogs, it doesn't bother me. It's the rest of you, those overly opinionated people who can kick rocks, lol. Isn't it funny that the ones who so typically have a word to say are the ones you least desire to interact with sometimes?

Friends...I love mine, although there have been some rocky roads along the way with some of them. I have a new friend, and a potentially new friend, which is new for me, lol. I don't really get excited about new people and typically don't anticipate them being in my life long term, but both have that potential! Very nice women, I like them both a lot so far. And I'm realizing now that I've begun to rely on outside relationships rather than familial ones. I'm trying to find a balance with my family, because there are such odd things on either side that alienate me, and make me feel totally separate from everyone. I can't go back and recreate relationships, but I can figure out what to do from here. I don't FEEL related to much of anyone, although I love my family. My mother's family had no choice in the matter of my separation from them, and I feel as though I ought to, and I want to, build relationships with all of them. BUT we are different, as we were all raised in two totally different ways. I have fretted over my lack of social grace with my family sometimes though. But what can I do?

South Bend...I'm over it. I didn't realize how much so until recently. Every lonely, sad, angry, hurt, disappointed memory, event and whatever else is connected to that city. All the loss, mistakes, craziness in my life is ALL tied to that place...I never connected it! So, now that I'm on the path to happiness, mental health, emotional balance (lawd) and all that, I realize I can't stay here. It's not because I just can't face my past, I see it all the time, lol. It's that I can't move forward with that cloud over my head. Just not possible. I'll never be happy here. I get that now. So...I'm taking off. Asap. Can't wait. That of course, is temporary as well. I'm taking my time to refocus, and work some things out, pay some small bills off and figure out what is next! I love it, and can't wait.

Long time no see

I've not written in a month of Sundays! Ok, so my blog is all about me, and all the things...I think I guess, lol. So, there are multiple things going on in my life, some good, some confusing, others just are what they are. Love...*sigh* just one of those things that you can never predict or understand. I'm just trying to roll with the punches. Life...just a continuous battle! Lol, I mean, we only get one chance, and I refuse to live my life trying to set myself up for when I'm older...and less mobile. I want to live my entire life like it was my last day here! I want to write more but I'm tired again...lol. bbl...