In the midst of it all...

I feel somewhat heart broken...I've been dealing with myself, and my emotions all week. I feel like I've been in a battle with my mind, and I'm not sure I want to continue. I wrestle with insecurity, anger, depression, pity, sadness, and just want to feel a balance, a consistent joy. I am frankly quite tired of being an emotional handicap. A lot of people say that they think it's admirable that I've done so well considering what I have gone through in life, but I realize that while I don't have any children, am not on drugs, prostituting or on government assistance...I've paid a much different price. Socially, I am a misfit, finding it easy initially to interact and joke and laugh, but then feeling myself withdraw, and to become melancholy...because while I can genuinely be happy and joking for a moment, in general I don't feel that way. The problem is that I WANT to be happy. I want to be able to get up every morning knowing that the joy of the Lord is my strength and I'm going to make it through this day unscathed no matter what happens. I cannot begin to say how much this is a desire for me. I am simply tired of confronting myself time after time, discovering the things within me that need to change, and the things within me that I wouldn't acknowledge before. I hurt, and most recently, I missed my mother so much that it hurt physically. Just to be able to have an understanding of myself, and to be able to build my own memories of her is all I want. It hurts so much to have to have my only memories of her be second hand. To not be able to remember anything solid, no moment, no hug or kiss...it hurts. I can't remember her face, and I want to get over that. I just have to. I've written of this before, and I don't want to again. I want to be whole and complete. I pray that one day this will all help someone else to know that they can lead their life and not fall into the traps made for them along the way. Mistakes will be made, certainly, but they don't have to be fatal or completely life altering. And if no one else ever does...encourage yourself.

I think this is alllll random, but in my head, so here goes...

I will try to make it all make sense, but I can't say it will tie together. Often you will see that my thought process appears to be random...

First off, once again, I can honestly say I love being natural, as I feel it truly represents my personality. I however, am having probably one of many moments of impatience with the growth process, even though my hair is growing faster than it ever has in my life, lol. But you know how you want a certain result, but you have to go through a drawn out process to get there, and it gets tedious at times? I'm at one of those tedious moments. But it's still cute...and growin!!! YAY!

Now, is it odd that I don't like movies and tv shows that depict sadness? I don't like movies where the people die in the end, or the couple breaks up and never gets back together, lol. It's understood in life, especially in the current time that sometimes the man is a jerk, or the woman is a jerk, and they will break their significant other's heart, or that your mother, sister, cousin, father, uncle will get sick and will never be well again or that the soldier in your family will never come home from the war, these things I know, and a lot of them I've experienced, but I just don't like to see it fictionally depicted...in real life too often we DON'T get the fairy tale ending, even as a faith driven person, it just doesn't go the way we want it. And we know that things happen either because we drove them that way or because it was meant to be that way, and that's fine. But I am good with a funny movie or one with a happy ending. I guess experiencing so much heartache in life is enough for me. Maybe I'm the only one.

I am learning too that you may never be seen as you truly are. The fact is, people "see" you a certain way, and unless they make up their minds they want to see what you're really trying to show them, you will be who you always were to them. The thing we must learn is to never stop being who we are or bend to someone else's view of us because of it. You ever give up and say, "what's the point?" they won't understand it anyway...the point is, YOU know who you are inside...everyone else doesn't have to. I'm learning that lesson now.

New things for me!!! I have never had a diverse friend base, and I would like to...so we'll see how that goes, and I will try to be as open as possible, of course offending some along the way...but we'll push through that.

I'm having some issues within a couple of interpersonal relationships in my life right now, none of which have been addressed, but being who I am, I always have to take time to discover "is it me?" LOL...But really, I do, because I have learned that I have grown to be somewhat self absorbed or selfish or...something. I have a tendency to redirect things back to myself, and I'm trying to learn not to do that...big admission huh? Well it's really not all that big...the fact is, I have never felt as though life has given me reparations, lol...I always thought that I would have a great end to a terrible beginning, and I've discovered that life isn't always like that...sad moment...*deep breath*

I...I know that I am young yet...and I know that I have so much more living to do...however, I just can't say this first quarter of my life has been enjoyable for me...I spent the first several years trapped in a situation because I had no choice, then after I had choice I trapped my own self in a similarly debilitating situation due to my lack of esteem, faith and wisdom. Now that I've discovered some things, I still feel like just nothing is where I want it to be, and I'm working on all areas of my life, spiritually, financially. I'm fighting to maintain a balance, and I'm simply tired of fighting. I want to have just one thing come to me that is good, and not a momentary thing...something more permanent, and good change of some sort, that I can finally feel like the hell of the first 25 years was worth enduring.

THAT was random...totally...have a good Labor Day weekend all...

I don't have any patience. I am learning more and more each day how to deal with the things around me that I don't like. I have developed this sense that if I din't like it, it has to go. Period. Well, too bad the rest of the world doesn't think so. So I realized that I spend majority of my time attenpting to rid myself of the silliness around me, to no avail. I am allowing this to affect my day, which is not only crazy, but unhealthy. I HAVE to learn how to control my anger and irritation, otherwise I could be setting myself up for tomething I don't want. HOWEVER...there is some stuff that is just flippin ridiculous out there...I can't take it.

I'm taking this class on Western Religion...well my problem with people who don't practice any kind of faith, they always got something crazy to say about those that do. Well, I'm a Christian, and I believe certain things, but they're my beliefs. Given the opportunity, I will share them with you. If not...hopefully you will have noticed what I am anyway.

There are various other ways I'm feeling, but they don't need to be on here...love and don't be stupid. Bye.

Oh...

So I'm thinking, a friend of mine told me today that the thing he likes about me is my consistency, and that he always knows what he's going to get with me. Now, some may argue and say I am sometimey, and don't always want to speak or whatever, but that has more to do with my moody personality and nothing to do with you, and even in that, I'm consistent:O) But here's what I thought about today...I've not always been consistent, I've spent majority of my life trying to adapt to the desires of others for me, and I've always tried to adopt the admirable qualities in others that I saw, because I've always been so different, and people have always pointed that out, and it doesn't always feel good. And I don't know what happened, all of a sudden I got tired, tired of trying to be someone I wasn't...and now I'm me. Less inhibited, lol. I would say UNinhibited, but uh, there's not a person on this earth that is truly that. But I am myself, and you can deal or not, makes me no never mind. But you will always know where you stand with me, because if I don't like you, I will NOT smile in your face, and act like I do. If I love you, you'll know it, trust me. As a result, I've become a more consistent person, and I like that. I too, have come to expect certain things from others in this regard, being that they need to be consistent, but I've found that MOST people just aren't, and it's very sad. Try to add some consistency to your behavior.

I'm sleepy, and I love Reggie. yeah.

Whoooo...

Ok, so I've had this enlightened moment...and I realized that I'm personally done with this area...ya'll know where I'm at, lol...so NOW, at this point, I'm only here until God sees fit to provide me with the much awaited opportunity to be elsewhere. I find myself engulfed in a myriad of emotions, and I fight not to be overwhelmed daily...the bible talks about that kind of thing...I must look it up.

I also find myself wanting to sing again, that is all.

Within my walk with God, I have struggles, and I am well aware of my shortcomings, but to God, my shortcomings are a whole other matter, without total faith I cannot please Him, therefore I will have to become more spiritually disciplined...I will walk you through this journey.

MY HAIR!!! I'm trying to be patient, I have a girlfriend who said it took her hair a year to lock...I love being natural though, and the end result will be WELL worth it.

Weight loss...I've lost 5 lbs...many more to go.

Relationship...nunya business, lol, like I haven't written WHOLE blogs about this man...but I'm not ashamed of my relationship, or the love that we share...even if we broke up, I would still be very proud of the beautiful time we have shared...that's my baby, and thoughts of him bring secret smiles...

Uh...my friendships are vastly improving! Who would have thought? Ok...I'm done...

Salutations...

Some things are hard to say...

but need to be said, even when you're talking to yourself. You know, insecurity in a woman can be a very bad thing, it makes us act very irrationally sometimes. As a woman with certain insecurities, I can definitely vouch for that. I am a very emotional person, and most of my emotions you can read straight from my face. I also can feel when something is bothering me, within my whole body, it's ridiculous. As I'm feeling more and more tired by the moment, I will discontinue this blog, lol...goodnight...

Hello good people...

Dear Diary...lol...that's kind of how this feels sometimes...I'm feeling a little turbulence right now... I FINALLY feel that connection I've been waiting for, that pull and desire...not as strong as it was or is gonna be, but it's there, and encouraging...but like I said, I yet feel some turbulence. I am beginning to wonder about the things people say sometimes...you know, whenever you're pushing toward something, or making a decision, if something happens in the midst or something goes wrong, you're told it will all get better, or it just must not be for your good or some other such typical response...what if, however, none of that is true? Sometimes, things just happen. Sometimes I think we contradict ourselves...

Anyway, I'm sure someone, or all ya'll have no idea what I was talking about up there, that's ok, it was for me kinda anyway, lol.